I have officially graduated from BYU. It is such a great feeling. I am so glad to be out of there. Don't get me wrong, I had some really great classes and met some really amazing people and I value the things I did learn there. But for some reason I feel like the chains have been broken. I'm no longer stuck. I am free to progress in every way. As great as that feeling is, today I was thinking back on the last year. I asked myself, "self, if you could freeze one moment in time from last year to take out and live again and again, what would it be?"
The answer actually came really easily. Last year was crazy for me. It was full of the lowest lows and highest highs. As many of you know, I came to terms with my sexuality in July/August. So basically before mid August, the year was very painful. Self-hate, confusion, disillusionment, suicidal thoughts and plans... it really was a miracle that I survived it. But soon after I told my family in August, I was finally at peace. My family's positive reaction was helpful of course (amazingly helpful), but that peace was really rooted in my own view of self. I had finally stopped hating myself. And that changed the way I saw the world.
Now, that was a process. One that has probably been going on for years and came to a climax last summer, so what was the one moment I would choose to freeze? Well, soon after I returned home from visiting my family for the first time after telling them, I met Brig. My first and only boyfriend. After the first date we were practically inseparable for the 3 weeks we had before he had to move back to California for school. Those three weeks were full of new and wonderful feelings that I had only heard about in love stories, but never got to experience. But the moment I would choose wasn't in those three weeks.
We did the long-distance relationship thing. Luckily, we got to see each other every 2-3 weeks until now. The first period of time we spent apart was the longest. Some friends of mine and I drove down to a popular beach city that was fairly close to his school to go camping on the beach. We were going to celebrate his birthday which was just a few days prior to our visit. He drove down from school to meet us at the campsite. When he called I drove out to meet him. And here comes the moment I choose from last year...
Seeing him get out of the car and then embracing for the first time in weeks sent feelings through me that surprised me. I was not expecting to feel that way. I was so happy... as if light had filled my body. A smile could never do that feeling justice. I remember not wanting to let go. I wanted that moment to last forever. Just standing in the street hugging. It seems like such a simple thing... but it felt like a miracle. Was I really feeling this? Love? Me?
My friends were waiting and dinner was done, so we had to go. But after dinner Brig and I took a walk on the beach and continued that moment. We just stood holding each other for, I don't know how long. We both wanted that to last forever... it was like everything was right in the universe. But that walk on the beach was really meant as a distraction so that my friends could put together his birthday surprise, so I had to convince him that we needed to go back.
I mentioned in a previous post that we decided to take a break just before New Years. It was something I decided. All these feelings are so new and I don't know exactly what to do with them or what they mean. Was that amazing feeling because I was finally allowing myself to love a boy or was it because that boy was Brig? Am I unsure about it because there is a faint ghost of that person so used to denying myself these feelings hanging around me still? Not allowing me to fully embrace them? I don't know. I hope that I can figure it all out. I want to do the right thing. Now that I know happiness is out there for me, I don't want to screw it up.