THT: What if this is it?

I remember shortly after coming out and while I was dating Brig I thought about Mormon "hell." See, Mormons really don't believe in hell. In fact, the belief is that the worst place you really have a chance at getting into is so wonderful, we could never even come close to imagining the greatness of it. And if we did, we'd do anything to get there. During that time I thought, "I could do this. I could live a happy life in a world just like this, even with all of its flaws and imperfections." I mean, there are difficult times... but there is so much to hope for and dream of. There are so many opportunities to learn and grow and progress. So many people to meet and love. And then to think that even if all my accusers were right, and I was going to Mormon hell, it would by a thousand times better.

Well, lately I have been contemplating another idea. What if this is it? No heaven. No hell. Just this life. 80 years on this planet. What then? Do I have a purpose still? I've been raised with the idea that my purpose in this life was to prepare for the next. It rested completely on the idea that there is a next life. If you take that away, what is left?

When I strip that idea away, here is my conclusion. I still want to learn all I can. I still want to do what I can to make this place I live in a better place. A better place for my family, yes, but also a better place for future generations of people. There are so many ways a person can contribute good to society. Some are giant leaps and others are barely noticed. But change is happening and we are able to drive that change by living lives of honesty and goodness. On my deathbed, if I can look back on my life and feel as if I have made positive change in the world (even if it is only small and personal) I will be satisfied and will feel fulfilled. What better feeling to die with than the assuring one telling you that you lived a meaningful life and that it somehow created some measure of positive change in the world, even if it was only within a single person.

When I look at that conclusion I came to, it becomes clear why we have myths and legends and religions and stories. Take away the literalness of everything that has been said about folklore or religion and what do you have? Stories that are basically trying to teach us that we have the power within us to do something good. To improve ourselves and gain strength, power, and knowledge. To be agents for change in the larger world around us and improve life, inspire, and heal. That together, we actually have godlike powers to create the world of tomorrow.

So maybe the world wasn't flooded. And maybe Noah didn't actually collect two of every kind of animal. But don't we find hope in fresh starts? For second chances? Don't we sometimes feel the need to clear our lives of the crap and start over with the basics? Doesn't that give us hope that we have the power to become better?

And even if you don't believe that Jesus raised people from the dead or healed them, have we not had faith in our ability find cures for disease? Have our doctors not literally brought people back to life? Are we not literally empowered to heal?

When we try to make myths and beliefs into science, it falls apart. We spend millions of dollars doing carbon dating and excavation and people spend their whole lives searching for solid evidence of this or that, and when it comes down to it, we've missed the point entirely. Just like the pharisees who counted steps on Sunday. All these schools of thought are just meant to try and help aide people in finding the power within themselves to live rich, meaningful, good lives.

So at the end of the day I feel like I am asking the wrong question. Who cares of this is it or not? The interesting question to me is, why do we as a human race believe in leaving a legacy? Why do we find fulfillment in doing good? Why do we strive for better even after our basic needs are met? What is in us that causes such a phenomenon?

THT: Heaven

I'm sure everyone has been told they are going to hell at one time or another. But did you believe it? In High School I was told I was going to hell because I was Mormon. In Church I was made to feel I was going to hell because I was gay. I didn't believe the first, but I sure did believe the second for quite awhile. Nothing I could do would make up for that wretched piece of me that I just couldn't make disappear. No number of hours spent talking to people about the gospel. No amount of good deeds. No amount of A pluses or service. Try as I might, nothing could alter the reality I accepted which told me I was going to hell.

I don't believe that anymore. I don't let anyone inform me on where I am going due to my being Mormon or my being gay, or any other reason someone might construct for justifying such a judgment. I am a good person who is trying to do the best he can with what he has and accepts that he falls short. In those places I fall short, I put my trust and faith in Christ to make up for what I lack. When I look around at my friends (all of whom are imperfect, many of whom are gay) I know that we are not going to be consigned to hell. They are some of the best, caring, hard-working, non-judgmental people I know. And if hell is where the gays go, I will be in such great company. And if heaven is where all those people who are condemning me to hell are going to be... I won't shed a tear for not being able to be there.

But I'm not going to hell. And I'm so glad that I can finally believe that.