PE: My best friend is a straight girl

Growing up, I have always had close girl friends. For some reason, the result of repressing my sexuality made it so I was intimidated and uncomfortable around guys. But I always found myself running into the same problem over and over. Eventually, one of these female friends would fall for me. This is a common thing that seems to happen when your closest friends are straight girls.

I can talk about anything with this friend of mine. She knows my secrets. She knows my feelings and thoughts about everything. She's been there during my hard times and I've been there for hers. We've built a close relationship of trust. Anyone starting to see the problem here?

I feel like there are two parts of a relationship. One aspect is the part you control, and the other is completely out of your control. The part you control is that relationship of trust and commitment. The friendship part. It takes work and time. It must be built from the ground up. This goes for any relationship.

The other part is natural. It is inside you. It is the part that gets emotional, physical, and even spiritual fulfillment in being with the person. It is that part of you that longs to be held or to hold the person. The part of you that is completely put at ease when you are in the other one's arms. That part, you can't control... it just is.

Well... you can begin to imagine the hell it would be for this girl, who has built a friendship based on trust and love... the hard part, but who naturally longs to be held and comforted and loved physically by a man. She knows and understands and loves that I am gay. But that can't change her natural feelings. The result is a never-ending broken heart. This crushes me.

You know how it is kind of unacceptable for a married man to have single female friends or a married woman to have single male friends? The problem is if you have a friendship based on trust and love, the natural instincts of the soul desire more. Even if the married person is completely committed to his/her spouse, the single person will always hurt because he/she can't be with the person they love.

In this situation... it is as if I were the married man who had a single female friend who was very close and dear to me. I am unavailable to her... yet I am the one in her life that could complete her. At the same time, though... I am single. I am not dating anyone at the moment. So we can spend time together all we want. It is so frustrating. It is the one reason I would ever wish I was straight. The reason being that if I were straight, I could make her happy. I could give her all that she wants. And I love this girl. She is a dear dear friend and I am so blessed to have her in my life. I see why some gay men marry women. They feel that they can make this other person that they love happy, even if they can't find fulfillment in it.

At the same time... because she knows that I do not get the same fulfillment that she does when we are physically close, she pulls away... she feels unequal. She gets upset that she can't give to me what I can give to her. The reasons I have for wanting to be close to her is because I know it brings her comfort... it makes her feel safe. Knowing that I am helping her feel that way is my motivation. But when I need comfort, when I need to feel safe, I can only get that from the physical closeness to another guy. It causes her so much pain and because it causes her pain, it causes me pain. Perhaps you can begin to see why I would never marry a woman. It is for this very reason. How could I ask someone I love to live their life with a broken heart, or expect myself to live a life without ever filling my own heart? It wouldn't be fair to either of us.

With another gay man, we can both fulfill eachother's needs. We can build a relationship of love, trust and commitment. That is the part we all work to make happen. But then we can also both receive the natural fulfillment that comes from being close physically. Feeling safe and loved in eachother's arms. There is some sort of healing that happens there. Even if you are upset at the other person, a sincere embrace makes all the bad go away and it is replaced by feelings of love. Gay people need that healing just as much as anyone.

PE: Learning to Love

Today I realized just how much I've changed in just a short time.

"Love thy neighbor as thyself."

When thinking of that phrase, we often forget the "as thyself" part. Before coming to terms with being gay and learning to accept and love myself, I didn't express love very easily. In fact, I'm not sure how much I felt it. Saying "I love you" was pretty much reserved for my immediate family. But at the time, I hated myself. I didn't love myself, so how could I love others like myself?

That has changed now. And the way I feel about people... it really is love, and I know it. I feel it. It is different from the way I felt towards people before. It isn't conditional. I guess it is charity. I think I've just learned a little more about what it means to have charity.

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away."

I would have never thought that to have charity, you must first learn to love yourself. Love yourself with all of your flaws, your imperfections, and your mistakes. In the end charity is the only thing that can be counted on. Just like the scripture says... eventually your knowledge will fail you and God will surprise you. Sometimes prophets, although inspired, err in their prophecies. But real charity never fails. Not even when it turns out your son or your brother or your friend is gay.

Today I can say I love you comfortably to friends and even sometimes strangers, and I am being completely sincere. Just five months ago I would be uncomfortable saying those words except to a handful of people. I love you.

PE: If I could freeze time

I have officially graduated from BYU. It is such a great feeling. I am so glad to be out of there. Don't get me wrong, I had some really great classes and met some really amazing people and I value the things I did learn there. But for some reason I feel like the chains have been broken. I'm no longer stuck. I am free to progress in every way. As great as that feeling is, today I was thinking back on the last year. I asked myself, "self, if you could freeze one moment in time from last year to take out and live again and again, what would it be?"

The answer actually came really easily. Last year was crazy for me. It was full of the lowest lows and highest highs. As many of you know, I came to terms with my sexuality in July/August. So basically before mid August, the year was very painful. Self-hate, confusion, disillusionment, suicidal thoughts and plans... it really was a miracle that I survived it. But soon after I told my family in August, I was finally at peace. My family's positive reaction was helpful of course (amazingly helpful), but that peace was really rooted in my own view of self. I had finally stopped hating myself. And that changed the way I saw the world.

Now, that was a process. One that has probably been going on for years and came to a climax last summer, so what was the one moment I would choose to freeze? Well, soon after I returned home from visiting my family for the first time after telling them, I met Brig. My first and only boyfriend. After the first date we were practically inseparable for the 3 weeks we had before he had to move back to California for school. Those three weeks were full of new and wonderful feelings that I had only heard about in love stories, but never got to experience. But the moment I would choose wasn't in those three weeks.

We did the long-distance relationship thing. Luckily, we got to see each other every 2-3 weeks until now. The first period of time we spent apart was the longest. Some friends of mine and I drove down to a popular beach city that was fairly close to his school to go camping on the beach. We were going to celebrate his birthday which was just a few days prior to our visit. He drove down from school to meet us at the campsite. When he called I drove out to meet him. And here comes the moment I choose from last year...

Seeing him get out of the car and then embracing for the first time in weeks sent feelings through me that surprised me. I was not expecting to feel that way. I was so happy... as if light had filled my body. A smile could never do that feeling justice. I remember not wanting to let go. I wanted that moment to last forever. Just standing in the street hugging. It seems like such a simple thing... but it felt like a miracle. Was I really feeling this? Love? Me?

My friends were waiting and dinner was done, so we had to go. But after dinner Brig and I took a walk on the beach and continued that moment. We just stood holding each other for, I don't know how long. We both wanted that to last forever... it was like everything was right in the universe. But that walk on the beach was really meant as a distraction so that my friends could put together his birthday surprise, so I had to convince him that we needed to go back.

I mentioned in a previous post that we decided to take a break just before New Years. It was something I decided. All these feelings are so new and I don't know exactly what to do with them or what they mean. Was that amazing feeling because I was finally allowing myself to love a boy or was it because that boy was Brig? Am I unsure about it because there is a faint ghost of that person so used to denying myself these feelings hanging around me still? Not allowing me to fully embrace them? I don't know. I hope that I can figure it all out. I want to do the right thing. Now that I know happiness is out there for me, I don't want to screw it up.

THT: Why would God do this to me?

This isn't a post about Elder Packer's talk given last conference, there has been much said about it already. But when he did say "why would God do that to his children," I immediately thought of all my gay brothers and sisters out there who were probably on their knees just the night before asking that very question. I know that I pleaded with God on a number of occasions to reveal to me why he would let this happen. Why me? Elder Packer was certainly not the first to pose that question, though his argument was that God wouldn't make anyone this way. I know for a fact that isn't true, because I exist. And if I exist, and God didn't make me, who did? That used to be a very depressing question. But I know that God did make me. And he made me like this for a reason. I'm not sure the exact reason, but here are some things I've thought about:

To provide a loving home for children who otherwise wouldn't have one. Think of all the children who have no parents. Those who live in foster homes, orphanages, even those who are homeless. Gay people cannot naturally reproduce without the aid of science. This 5% (or whatever the real percentage is) could make wonderful homes for many of these unwanted kids. Not only did God make me so that I was attracted to men, but he put me in a Mormon home. I believe that I am very capable of raising children with another man in Christ. I can teach them the same moral lesson a heterosexual Mormon can.

To be another lesson to the world about love. What does it really mean to love everyone, despite their choices or their lifestyles? Perhaps we can learn a little more about how it is to love unconditionally by opening our hearts to our gay brothers and sisters. I know that gay people, who have to deal with rejection, prejudice, and misunderstanding, often become less judgmental about people because they know what it feels like to be judged. Some just get bitter. But perhaps there is something to learn about what love is made of. Gay people have surely had to try and articulate why they are attracted to the same sex to try and get heterosexuals to understand. It isn't simply about lust. There is substance to it. There is meaning.

To cause hearts and minds to open. When barriers break down and people realize how ignorant they had been about homosexuality, it opens eyes to a lot more. Who is to say that because a person smokes or has an abortion, gets a divorce, or steals food from a grocery store, that they are bad people? It is not our job to judge. We don't know the circumstances that led to their decisions. Only God can know. Who is to say that homosexuality is inherently evil? Are you gay? Do you know what it feels like? Let me tell you, I am gay. I also know what it feels like when I am doing something wrong, don't you? Living according to my feelings has NEVER felt wrong to me. Before I started living that way, I certainly thought it was wrong, because that is what everyone said. But when I started dating guys, it couldn't have felt more RIGHT.

To give women men who understand them. Let's face it. Women love to have a gay friend to go shopping with and get their hair done with and other "girly" things. Gay people are like the missing link between heterosexual females and males. They kind of understand a little about both sides. We are a great resource in my opinion (of course I am biased). Plus, there is no conflict of interest. Gay guys are interested in other GAY guys. So I'm not gonna steel my straight friend's girl and I can't steel a girl's straight guy (even if I wanted to), so we are the perfect safe friend.

To bring more music, theater, and other art into the world. I know that not all gay people are artsy. There are gay guys that have "manly" jobs who are engineers or whatever, but there is a very high percentage of gays in the arts. I wouldn't feel it is a stretch to say that if you took a random sampling of gay and straight men, the percentage of gay men in the arts would be incredibly higher than the percentage of straight men. Dancers, singers, actors, so many of them are gay. I don't believe that the arts are what make people gay either. I think that gay people just tend to be more emotionally expressive for whatever reason.

To tear down the traditional roles our society assigns to gender. Boys play sports and girls cook. There has been a lot of progress so far, but there is still a ways to go. What if a girl doesn't like barbies? What if a boy likes dressing up? Why would we ever feel that we have the right to tell any person what to like or dislike? Well, we do. It is the fear that if a boy likes something "girly" (say the color pink) something is wrong that needs to be corrected or else he is going to turn gay. When we begin to realize that, #1 people don't "turn" gay, and #2 that there is nothing wrong with being gay... all of a sudden, that fear that a little girl prefers trucks over barbies and sports over cooking disappears. That little boy is free to be himself and like pink if that's his favorite color.

I do not claim to know the mind of God. Who knows the real purposes for putting people like me on this earth? All I know is that there is a purpose in it. There must be. And that brings me so much comfort, to realize and understand that this was not some freak accident. It was intentional. And if God only chose 5% of the population to give these unconventional feelings and emotions to, then I count myself extremely lucky. I feel I understand some of the reasons why I am gay. It has helped me grow. It has helped me know God. It has helped me love. But someday I look forward to asking God himself what his purposes were. And after he tells me, I will embrace him and thank him for such a calling.

PE: Confessions of the Heart

The last few days have been a bit rough for me. My boyfriend and I have decided to take a break. Well, I decided it would be best for me and so he had no choice. It sounds so selfish. Relationships are weird that way. They should be selfless, yet you need to pay close attention to yourself. I mean, you have the relationship to think about (which involves two people)... but also how you personally fit into that relationship.

Anyway, I decided to do what I thought was best, not what was easiest. I felt that I needed this... despite the hardship and heartache that would accompany it. He was my first boyfriend. I won't get into the details. The point is, the last few days have been hard.

So on my drive home tonight from FHE (family home evening... something I'll need to blog about soon), I was just thinking about my situation, my thoughts, my feelings, and then a thought occurred to me that made me so happy! I thought, "You are so lucky to be feeling this right now." It sounds insane, I know. But my whole life, I have always fought against the thing I wanted most. Another guy to love and be loved by. The thing I wanted so bad, was the thing I could never have. I lived a life trying to force myself to want what everyone said I should want while living with the reality that I couldn't have what I really wanted in life. I couldn't even allow myself to dream about having a guy one day.

This sounds so ridiculous, but knowing that I can hope for and look forward to the day when I can come home to the man I love is like a piece of heaven! Nothing is stopping me anymore from obtaining that dream, or from dreaming that dream. I can finally allow myself to love and be loved they way that I have wanted all along! Unfortunately heartbreak comes with giving your heart away... but I am so grateful that I now have the ability and freedom to give it away.

It is so weird to finally be feeling all those emotions that I heard about on movies and in songs and from friends about love and heartache. I've never felt it. I never had a real crush, a first kiss that electrified me, a broken heart, the yearning to be close to someone, the feeling that you never want the day to end... or the fear of sleeping because you don't want to miss a moment next to the person you love. I never felt those emotions until 4 months ago. I never understood why people would hold hands or kiss. None of the feelings accompanied those actions when I tried them with girls. It is just so liberating to finally allow myself to feel that whole range of emotion that I have missed out on for so long. And now, to think that I had been so thoroughly convinced that it was wrong for me to feel them is so maddening! But I my eyes have been opened, and it is nothing short of a miracle. It is just a different miracle than I thought God would send my way. It wasn't the miracle I had been praying for and fasting for and hoping for for years and years of my life to be made a "normal" heterosexual. It was the miracle that helped me finally see that there was nothing wrong with me and that I could love myself and be loved.