04 January 2011

PE: Confessions of the Heart

The last few days have been a bit rough for me. My boyfriend and I have decided to take a break. Well, I decided it would be best for me and so he had no choice. It sounds so selfish. Relationships are weird that way. They should be selfless, yet you need to pay close attention to yourself. I mean, you have the relationship to think about (which involves two people)... but also how you personally fit into that relationship.

Anyway, I decided to do what I thought was best, not what was easiest. I felt that I needed this... despite the hardship and heartache that would accompany it. He was my first boyfriend. I won't get into the details. The point is, the last few days have been hard.

So on my drive home tonight from FHE (family home evening... something I'll need to blog about soon), I was just thinking about my situation, my thoughts, my feelings, and then a thought occurred to me that made me so happy! I thought, "You are so lucky to be feeling this right now." It sounds insane, I know. But my whole life, I have always fought against the thing I wanted most. Another guy to love and be loved by. The thing I wanted so bad, was the thing I could never have. I lived a life trying to force myself to want what everyone said I should want while living with the reality that I couldn't have what I really wanted in life. I couldn't even allow myself to dream about having a guy one day.

This sounds so ridiculous, but knowing that I can hope for and look forward to the day when I can come home to the man I love is like a piece of heaven! Nothing is stopping me anymore from obtaining that dream, or from dreaming that dream. I can finally allow myself to love and be loved they way that I have wanted all along! Unfortunately heartbreak comes with giving your heart away... but I am so grateful that I now have the ability and freedom to give it away.

It is so weird to finally be feeling all those emotions that I heard about on movies and in songs and from friends about love and heartache. I've never felt it. I never had a real crush, a first kiss that electrified me, a broken heart, the yearning to be close to someone, the feeling that you never want the day to end... or the fear of sleeping because you don't want to miss a moment next to the person you love. I never felt those emotions until 4 months ago. I never understood why people would hold hands or kiss. None of the feelings accompanied those actions when I tried them with girls. It is just so liberating to finally allow myself to feel that whole range of emotion that I have missed out on for so long. And now, to think that I had been so thoroughly convinced that it was wrong for me to feel them is so maddening! But I my eyes have been opened, and it is nothing short of a miracle. It is just a different miracle than I thought God would send my way. It wasn't the miracle I had been praying for and fasting for and hoping for for years and years of my life to be made a "normal" heterosexual. It was the miracle that helped me finally see that there was nothing wrong with me and that I could love myself and be loved.


Steven Lester said...

The last paragraph could not have been more perfectly expressed.

Anonymous said...

I agree with you that relationships are hard. Especially when one person wants it to move forward and the other one does not. I hope your heart heals soon.

Sending good energy and love your way.

JonJon said...

I know what you mean. Relationships can cause pain, but I started to realize how fortunate I am to be able to experience them and what they do for me.

Gay Mormon said...

@Steven- Thank you =)

@this blog author- Thanks. I have hope for the future.

@JonJon- Exactly! I can't help but be grateful, even to experience the pain.

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