The answer actually came really easily. Last year was crazy for me. It was full of the lowest lows and highest highs. As many of you know, I came to terms with my sexuality in July/August. So basically before mid August, the year was very painful. Self-hate, confusion, disillusionment, suicidal thoughts and plans... it really was a miracle that I survived it. But soon after I told my family in August, I was finally at peace. My family's positive reaction was helpful of course (amazingly helpful), but that peace was really rooted in my own view of self. I had finally stopped hating myself. And that changed the way I saw the world.
Now, that was a process. One that has probably been going on for years and came to a climax last summer, so what was the one moment I would choose to freeze? Well, soon after I returned home from visiting my family for the first time after telling them, I met Brig. My first and only boyfriend. After the first date we were practically inseparable for the 3 weeks we had before he had to move back to California for school. Those three weeks were full of new and wonderful feelings that I had only heard about in love stories, but never got to experience. But the moment I would choose wasn't in those three weeks.
We did the long-distance relationship thing. Luckily, we got to see each other every 2-3 weeks until now. The first period of time we spent apart was the longest. Some friends of mine and I drove down to a popular beach city that was fairly close to his school to go camping on the beach. We were going to celebrate his birthday which was just a few days prior to our visit. He drove down from school to meet us at the campsite. When he called I drove out to meet him. And here comes the moment I choose from last year...
Seeing him get out of the car and then embracing for the first time in weeks sent feelings through me that surprised me. I was not expecting to feel that way. I was so happy... as if light had filled my body. A smile could never do that feeling justice. I remember not wanting to let go. I wanted that moment to last forever. Just standing in the street hugging. It seems like such a simple thing... but it felt like a miracle. Was I really feeling this? Love? Me?
My friends were waiting and dinner was done, so we had to go. But after dinner Brig and I took a walk on the beach and continued that moment. We just stood holding each other for, I don't know how long. We both wanted that to last forever... it was like everything was right in the universe. But that walk on the beach was really meant as a distraction so that my friends could put together his birthday surprise, so I had to convince him that we needed to go back.
I mentioned in a previous post that we decided to take a break just before New Years. It was something I decided. All these feelings are so new and I don't know exactly what to do with them or what they mean. Was that amazing feeling because I was finally allowing myself to love a boy or was it because that boy was Brig? Am I unsure about it because there is a faint ghost of that person so used to denying myself these feelings hanging around me still? Not allowing me to fully embrace them? I don't know. I hope that I can figure it all out. I want to do the right thing. Now that I know happiness is out there for me, I don't want to screw it up.
