THT: Next Time, I'll Stand Up

Last night I was thinking of the many times I sat in church during particularly abusive comments and kept my eyes fixated on something away from the speaker and my mouth shut. I sat in countless meetings while people around me blamed me, my friends, and the LGBT community at large for destroying families, bringing destruction upon the nation, and lying about not choosing our orientation. I sat while I was condemned, pitied, accused, excluded, and feared by those who have known me for years.

Of course, they didn't know they were talking about me. And I was too much of a coward I guess to stand up and say something. Even if I took a broad "we shouldn't judge" approach, people would suspect... and then what would they say about my family? I feel like I was ready to handle the personal repercussions, but I didn't want to throw my family to the dogs. My family is already a topic of gossip... no need to add a gay son into the mix.

But next time, I am standing up. What will I say? I suppose I'd say something like this:

My name is Jonathan Adamson. I grew up in this ward. Many of you taught me as a child. I am friends with many of your children. I have grown up in your neighborhoods under your watch. I have looked to you for guidance and love. I learned about God and about my relationship with him through you. You know me and the kind of person that I am. What you could never have guessed is that I grew up hating myself and believing that God had no love for me because deep down, I knew I was gay, though I would not accept it for many painful years.

I advanced in the priesthood, served a mission, I went to BYU, and still I was cursed. Enough lessons at church had taught me that much- it was a curse... a dirty, evil, abominable thing that held no place in the sight of God. When the prayers and service and counseling and fasting and bargaining with God failed to cure me, I came to the conclusion that based on what I heard about gays in church, it would be better to die than to be gay. It is impossible to convey the extent of the agony I felt over this issue, and still you believe I have chosen this.

Today I am happy to report that my life is full of joy. Happiness I never imagined I could experience. I found it because I finally embraced my whole self and allowed myself to love and to be loved. But your misinformed words continue to he heard by children like me. Chances are there is at least one other gay man or woman in this room and at least five in this ward. I can bare testimony to you, with no sense of fear or shame or guilt, that God loves his gay children and that the love they feel, while it may not be inline with your gender preference, is real and is good and that your fear and judgment is causing good faithful youth to grow up denying themselves that love. And when love is gone, hate sets in- and hate smothers the life and light out of the eyes of these children of God. Love is unconditional and equal. EQUAL. I am an equal in the eyes of God.

Of course, it probably would never come out like that. I'd probably get emotional and loose my train of thought and any eloquence that I might be able to muster in a normal setting would be destroyed by my fear of judgement. But, I'd stand up. I'd speak. I wouldn't sit quietly like a coward while fire burned my insides.... but I may have lost my chance. I hardly go home... and my words wouldn't have the same effect upon strangers in a random ward.

THT: The Role of Gender

I might have briefly alluded to this thought in this post, but I was thinking about it again and thought I'd write. God is supposed to be all-powerful, all-knowing, etc, etc. Basically he can do anything and knows everything without any dependence on any other being or intelligence or whatever else there may be. I don't think that that goes against what Mormons believe... or any Christian.

BUT, then Mormonism teaches us that godhood can only be attained if you are sealed to a wife. Meaning, to be God, He must be dependent on another being and therefore, he really isn't all powerful. This kind of contradictory doctrine confuses me... A couple other things to note is that in the Adam and Eve story, God makes an observation and says that it isn't good for mankind to be alone... so, is this only a mortal need we have as humans to be in physical company with someone? I suppose if you were God (or a god) and shared some crazy connection with all intelligence and life and light, you would never really be alone because you have constant access to every kind of intelligence in the universe. Also, we as Mormons and Christians in general believe we are created in the image of God... yet as males and females and everyone in between, we have very different anatomy. Can we both be made in the image of God?

Well the Church places emphasis on the importance of gender... prophets have declared, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." This is one reason gays don't have a place in the plan... because it would seem they are going against their god-given gender and the roles that apply to it. But this importance that is placed on gender doesn't seem to mix well with other doctrine and when I think deeply about it, it really doesn't make sense to me that gender would be that important to God.

What would make sense to me is a genderless God. Not male or female... simply God. Think of all the problems that clears up right away! All these discussions about whether there is a heavenly mother or why all the power figures in Christianity are male, etc, etc. We invented a male God to fit our male-dominated culture. I think it is a nice idea that God has a spouse and they live in some great mansion together with a large picket fence, but that is us trying to make sense of God's world through our own human experience. If we really believe that God is who we say, he doesn't really need to have someone to say goodnight to. He is connected to EVERYTHING. Maybe gender was simply something God created as the means to an end. In any case, I don't agree that gender is all the modern church makes it out to be. If it was so very important why are there so many who don't exactly fit nicely into the categories male and female? Why are there people born with ambiguous genitalia... or both kinds of genitalia?

Lastly, being gay does not mean I want to be a girl. Nor does it mean that I am looking for a guy that seems like a girl. I am very aware of and accept my maleness. As a gay male, I am attracted to other gay MALES. I am not rejecting my gender or anyone else's. So in that sense, yes, gender is important to my sexuality... but I don't know that it is important to my eternal soul. What is important is love... and I can only experience the deepest feelings of love with other males.... so what? Is love not of God?

THT: Plan of Action for Gay Mormons

I came across this well-written call to action by Clay Essig and wanted to share the gist of his article. He basically pleas with the gay Mormon community to join together in determination to seek to be granted new revelation on our plight. He recognizes that we are all in different places. Some of us have chosen celibacy. Others, a heterosexual lifestyle. Others, a homosexual lifestyle. But all of us can do things to seek positive changes.

We can serve people to the extent we can. If we cannot do it in the church (due to excommunication or simply because it is still too hard to go to church), let us seek to uplift the poor and needy, visit the sick and afflicted, do good in our communities, and be the first to serve our neighbors. If you have chosen celibacy or are otherwise worthy to attend the temple, visit it frequently.

We can still seek the Lord in our lives. Read the scriptures. Ponder their meaning. Be a light and example to those around us. If we are in a place where we can be at church, let us serve faithfully. If we are unable to hold callings, we can still be the first to welcome others who may otherwise feel marginalized within our community of saints. We can still share the gospel of Christ.

We don't need to harden our hearts. We can't be perfect. No one can. But don't let that discourage us to doing the things that we can do. We don't need to turn away from the gospel and reject everything just because there is one thing we don't agree with or understand. We can still pray and fast for further revelation, to open the minds and hearts of people.

Let us shine forth and be a blessing to others. Show people that our lives are capable of great goodness. That our fruits are good and our spirits strong. And as we do so, come out to family, friends, and church leaders with wisdom. Help them to see that being gay isn't inherently evil just as being straight isn't inherently good. Help them see that we also see the danger in promiscuity, drugs, abuse, etc, and that we seek loving, monogamous relationships in which we can raise a healthy family.

I encourage you to read the article. The writer's words are encouraging and empowering. You can feel the spirit behind them. Rather than arguing between ourselves over which course of action is the "right" course of action for the gay Mormon, let us unite and move forward in our search for more enlightenment and understanding regarding this issue.

PE: The One in Sunday School

I was visiting my family this weekend and went to church with them, fully knowing that somewhere in the time I spent there, something would be said about those pesky homosexuals. There is pretty much a 90% chance that it will come up any given Sunday. If the lesson mentions sin, family, false prophets, satan, the last days, or any other number of topics, it is bound to work its way into discussion.

Well, sure enough, in Sunday School the teacher brought up false prophets. "Are there false prophets today?" he asked. The first one to elaborate on the fact that there was immediately went into homosexuals. Gays are the false prophets of our day, proselytizing their evil lifestyle as truth. They are the destroyers of our families, the demise of society. So on and so forth. All I could do was close my eyes and focus on breathing while I waited in silence for the lashings to stop. My mom noticed of course and put her arm around me.

I know that these words come from ignorance. I know that these people are not intentionally attacking me personally. But it is so hard to feel like going to church when that is what I have to sit through week after week. You try feeling uplifted, try feeling the spirit when people you love and respect nail you to the wall as their scapegoat for all the evils in the world as they throw things at you. Try and feel love in that situation. Please, PLEASE think about what you are saying in church. There may be someone within the reach of your voice who is crumpling inside in their silent struggle.

My life is no different from the people in that room. And that is proven by the fact that they have no idea that one of the people they are talking about is sitting right next to them entertaining their cute little kid, reading the same passages they are, and pondering the lesson. Please don't blame me for all the problems in the world.

And lastly, is the world really so bad that we can't think of anything good to talk about? I get so tired of hearing everyone talk about the end of the world and the downfall of society. I find that there is so much good in the world. There are so many good people doing good things. There is so much beauty to enjoy, life to be lived. Why do we have to focus on all the bad in the world? Doesn't the local news do enough of that for us? In the last couple months, due to finally being comfortable in my own skin, I have started to meet and talk to people like never before. You know what I found? A bunch of good-hearted, interesting, beautiful people who were doing the best they could in life. Not at all the evil, cold-hearted, devilish people we talk about who dwell outside the walls of church building on Sunday.

Yikes, we have made ourselves so peculiar and unique that we start to assume anyone else must be wretched, miserable, dishonest people. Is the only joy you find in life anymore that of knowing that you are one of the few righteous in the world? If so, perhaps there is something wrong.

ARG: Nature vs. Nurture, So What?

Much time, energy, money, and other resources are spent to battle this one out. We can turn to science, reason, or religion, or a combination of all three for answers. We can spend billions of dollars researching genetic code and performing studies. Or, we can turn to our gay loved one and believe them when they answer the question "did you choose this?" Whatever source we go to, whatever conclusion we accept, does it really matter?

Lets say it was Nature. Then what? Well that would meant that it is natural, that it is instinctive and just as real as heterosexuality. It would mean that for some reason, God has allowed people to be gay. But coming to this conclusion doesn't end the internal conflict that gay people deal with in the face of a judgmental, prejudice, and often hateful society. It doesn't solve any problem. The problem is that our gay brothers and sisters are feeling isolated, alone, and unloved which often results in emotional, spiritual, and even sometimes physical death. The problem is that these people are silently suffering and living a life of self-loathing and fear.

Lets say it was nurture. Then what? We tell our gay loved ones that because A + B x 3 / .45y happened in their past, it turned them gay? What then? Can we simply erase their memory of those experiences and reprogram their brains to interpret a false history in a way that the majority deems acceptable? If it is possible, how much time, money, and human testing would need to be done before it is figured out? How much would it take to reorient you to feel the need for an intimate loving relationship with the same sex and not the opposite sex? Concluding that their environment turned them gay would do nothing to solve the problem. However it would still show that homosexuality is "natural" in that it is the natural result of a combination of certain environmental variables. But this still doesn't make these people feel loved and accepted and get them to embrace their individuality.

Ok, now that we have talked about how this argument really shouldn't make a difference, lets see what different people and organizations have said about the issue:

The LDS Church:

“Some people who seek help for homosexual problems may have concluded that experiences from their youth, such as perceived problems with a parent or some other older person, contributed to their inappropriate feelings. Some may believe that they have not consciously chosen to have such feelings in the first place. No general agreement exists about the causes of such problems."

           -Understanding and Helping Those Who Have Homosexual Problems – Suggestions for Ecclesiastical Leaders, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1992.

“If someone seeking your help says to you, ‘I am a homosexual,’ or, ‘I am lesbian,’ or, ‘I am gay,’ correct this miscasting… it is simply not true. To speak this way seeds a doubt and deceit about who we really are."

           -Bishop Keith McMullen (2010)

"I don't know. I'm not an expert on these things. I don't pretend to be an expert on these things."

            -Gordon B. Hinkley (2004)

"'God made me that way,' some say, as they rationalize and excuse themselves for their homosexual perversions. ‘I can’t help it,’ they add. This is blasphemy. Is man not made in the image of God, and does he think God to be ‘that way’?

            -Spencer W. Kimball (1980)

Conclusion: Apparently church leaders from all times have been uncertain and unclear and have often contradicted each other. So I guess the only official answer from inspired leaders that doesn't contradict what others have said is, we don't know.

Science:

There have been studies and tests supporting both sides of this issue. There are mormon professionals who have concluded it is nature (William S. Bradshaw, Ph.D) There are non-mormon (but usually religious) professionals that have concluded that it is environment. However, the majority of psychologists, biologists, and other professionals who have spent much of their lives devoted to the subject seem to agree that homosexuality, at the very least, is to some extent genetic... it is in the DNA to some extent. However, opinions differ as to how much it is dictated by DNA. 

Conclusion: We don't really know. We have theories and evidences, but no real provable calculation. DNA is a complex thing.

Logic:

Ask yourself this: When did you choose to be heterosexual? When did you make the conscious decision that you were going to be attracted to the opposite sex? Could it be that homosexuals also did not make a conscious choice?

Think about what would possibly drive a teenager to choose to be gay when that teen grew up in a society that highly values heterosexuality, went to a church where heterosexuality was essential to his salvation, raised in a heterosexual family, grew up in a community that had nothing good to say about homosexuality, and where all the stories of happily-ever-after and the songs of love were all devoted to a heterosexual ideal. If it was environment, why did this very heterosexual environment produce such a very homosexual boy? Why would a teenager choose to be ridiculed and made fun of, hated and judged, at a time in his/her life when all they want is acceptance? Why do so many choose death? Why would they choose a path that would make them feel like their only option for happiness is suicide?

Lastly, look around you. Talk to your homosexual brothers and sisters. Ask them. 

Conclusion: Perhaps my logic is flawed... it very well could be. But it seems to me that logic would point to nature. Not that this argument even matters. Not that it does anything to relieve suffering. But take whatever value there is, and lets move on to address the real problems.