THT: I think I'm ready to face the church

January was an interesting month for me as I began the transition to the "real world." That transition isn't exactly complete, but I am optimistic and excited for the future. I love that scripture "consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin." It brings me such comfort and I am reminded that I don't need to worry about how things will work out as long as I am doing what I feel is right. I've never really had to worry about money. I mean, things have been tight... and I am poorer now than ever, but I have never gone hungry or without shelter or warmth.

I've been sick lately. I caught the flu a couple weeks ago. Now I have some throat thing. But I feel that I am on the upswing and now that I've gotten all my sickness out of the way for the year, it should be a healthy 11 months haha. I don't typically get sick. Maybe once a year. So here's hoping.

Now that I've come out to basically all my family and friends, the last cloud hanging over me is the church. It is like unfinished business. I don't like leaving things unfinished. It makes me feel lazy and fill me with regret. Today I felt this strong urge to face that unfinished business. A friend of mine was recently called to a church court. It was supposed to be tomorrow, but he has work. I don't think it matters how prepared you are for that, it always hurts. No one likes to be punished for something they are not guilty of. When you've had personal witnesses to assure you that your life decisions are not evil and that the Lord supports you, that is exactly how it feels to be exed.

I've given much of my life to the church. I've defended it. I've brought people in. I've tried to be an example of a good member. I've taught people about it. I've given two solid years of life to it as well as other time and resources. Much of my life experiences have come from being a member of it. Yet, because the deepest love I can feel can only be for another man, I will be cast out. It is hard not to feel thrown away and discarded. All those years of commitment and devotion and service are simply wiped away and forgotten the moment I announce that I want to spend my life with a guy and build a family with him.

But I know that God will not forget. I know that his love for me is real and his support is evident in my life. I know he will bless me and care for me even though the institution that claims to be his will revoke their blessings. That knowledge is enough for me to face the pain I will feel when I will be turned away. It will give me the confidence and the boldness to speak from my heart. It will give me the inspiration I need to prepare myself to face a room of men I have never met before in my life, but who will decide what what is best for me. I pray that God will give me the strength and power to speak in his behalf.

So, as long as I am healthy, I think next week may be the week. The beginning of the end of the life of pain, guilt, shame, and self-hate I lived for so long. And then I will finally be free. Free to love. Free to grow and learn. Free to inspire and be inspired. Free to finally be happy.

RANT: Gay Mormons Can't be Unhappy

Gay Mormons aren't allowed to be unhappy without being attacked. If you have one bad day, one bad week, or one bad year, it opens your whole life up to ridicule and judgment by the Mormon community. I'm sure it is the same for Christian conservatives everywhere. Here's what I mean:

If somethings goes wrong in your life, everyone points to it and says, "wickedness never was happiness." Any problem you might encounter is put into the bank of ammo people can use against you. If you are unhappy, they believe it is because God is punishing you for your "deviant" lifestyle. Therefore, there is no reason to comfort or empathize because it is God's judgment. Rather, they feel they need to point to your pain and say, "see, I told you so."

People do this whenever disaster strikes also. If some big disaster happens in some location, many point and say- "God must be very unhappy with those people over there." It is ridiculous. Bad things happen to good people. Even righteous people. But for some reason Mormons have this unconscious idea that if only they were righteous enough, life would be just peachy. Gay people have bad days. They have bad weeks, and yes, even bad years. But then so do straight people. Having a hard time or a bad day doesn't go hand-in-hand with sin.

RANT: "love the sinner, hate the sin" Part II

Perhaps you've heard enough on this subject, if so- feel free to skip this post. A friend emailed me a response to this argument that reminded me of a whole other issue that relates to this phrase. Let me post it here:

"Still this does bring up a difficult question. The question of how do we love and respect others without compromising our own values and morals? In other words, at what point do we stop showing appropriate love to the sinner and start condoning the sin?"..."I cannot condone that course of action as righteous or just as I know it is wrong and spiritually harmful. Because I maintain this stance and express genuine concern for those who have chosen a path other than the Gospel path I have been accused of not respecting others' choices and of propagating hatred."

Okay. I've heard this argument a lot.  "Well, where do we draw the line between loving them and condoning their actions?" I believe that the point is, it isn't our place to even think about whether our love will be interpreted by the other person as condoning their actions. It is like the argument, "Well, if I give the bum money, I am just supporting his alcohol and drug addictions." By saying, or thinking this, we judge what the other person will do with the gift we give! You are not going to be held accountable for what the receiver of the gift does with his gift. You will be judged on whether or not you gave what you could to this person and from where your heart was. The reciever will be held accountable for what he did with it. Remember the parable of the talents?  Saying that you are not giving love or whatever gift it is you wish to give because you don't want to condone the person's actions is an excuse to free yourself from showing love and giving service.

Christ said to love. He didn't say love as long as the person you are loving doesn't think your love is supporting his sinful ways. There is no conditions put on the love we are supposed to have for others. So I would argue we stop putting conditions on our love. We don't get to draw the line in the sand where love should stop.

I came upon another blogger who has addressed this issue and I think he brings out some important points: Young Stranger

RANT: "love the sinner, hate the sin"

Oh how I hate this phrase. It is so full of hypocrisy and judgement. Let me explain:

By telling someone that you love them, but that you hate what they do, you are, in effect, passing judgement. You must necessarily put yourself in a position above them to be in a place where you can call out another individual's actions and label them as "sin." The fact is, we are all sinners. Just because someone sins differently than me, doesn't give me the right to make any judgement on their different way of sinning. I do not know the circumstances. I do not know the mind of God. Murdering is a sin, yet God himself commanded it multiple times. "Now Nephi, I love you, but I hate that you are disappointing God by killing another human being (Laban). That is a sin, and I hate it."

If everyone is a sinner (and therefore all men and women commit sin), let's not say "the sinner" and "the sin" as if the person speaking is in someway immune to these things. Why don't we instead adopt the phrase, "love everyone, love God." Sound familiar? These were the two great commandments that Christ taught. If we love God, our personal choices and actions will attest to that ("by their fruits ye shall know them"). Individually, we learn to love obedience to God and hate to disappoint him. But this in no way give us the right to judge and say to another "I love you, but hate that you disappoint God." Who are we to tell someone that God is disappointed with them?

Perhaps the initial use of this phrase was well-intentioned. If this phrase was solely applied to one's self, we are, in effect, saying, "I love myself as a valued son/daughter of God, I hate that sin so easily besets me. I hope to learn to detest sin, for I love God." But the minute we use this same phrase in reference to someone other than ourselves, we enter dangerous ground.

We should love people (all people) for who they are, not in spite of who they are. Christ commanded us to love one another. It is that simple. He didn't say "love your neighbor even though they sin and are disappointed me by their actions. Just be the better person my making sure they know they are sinning. Oh and tell them you love them too." I think it is time we all come down from our pedestals. God is no respecter of persons and we are tasked with working out our own salvation with fear and trembling, not with working out another's. That's Christ's job.