As many of you know, I sent an email out to my extended family weeks ago where I came out to them. Awhile later, I sent out this letter to friends where I came out to them. I wanted to share with you some excerpts from the responses and reactions I have received from both family and friends.
Extended Family
"I hope you know that being "Gay" will NEVER EVER be a reason for me not to love you nor is it a reason to discontinue having a relationship with you. My home will ALWAYS be a place where you and your significant other will be welcomed with open arms and NO JUDGMENT!!!!! I am Very happy to hear that your Mom, Dad & sisters all took your coming out as well as they did. It saved me a trip to California to set them straight!!! I LOVE YOU JONNY!! Gay or straight it makes no difference to me or my family....we accept you just as you are."
"Your uncle and I want you to know that we love you unconditionally! You are still our nephew and we have always been proud of you and your accomplishments. It breaks my heart to hear how you've been hurting and the pain you have gone through."
"Jonathan, I love you Kido. It is good to here from you, I'm glad your year has turned around! and your future is looking bright, congratulations on your graduation. just be yourself and know that you have a lot of loving understanding family that love you and want you to be happy . just so you know , I don't think any less of you due to your sexuality and hope for happiness in all you do and strive to accomplish in your life."
"FINALLY! (I knew...) :-) I am so glad you came out and more importantly that you did not take your life. I am so sorry you were in such a dark place back in August. I was not raised in the church and feel like I am a little more open minded that most members. Sexuality is one area I have a lot of questions on regarding the scriptures and the church's stance. Anyway, I am proud of you! Way to be true to yourself and for your bravery in "coming out." You are a wonderful man and I just know you have a lot to live for! If you ever need anything, know that your Uncle and I are here for you!"
"I appreciate your 4 life style views on your blog video. It made my understanding of your decision so clear. You are an amazing young man, I hope you find everything you are looking for, We all deserve that! You and your significant other will always be welcome in our home and at our family gatherings. I always enjoy seeing you. I don't think anyone can break the strong bond of love that we have for one another in this family of ours!"
"My family were with me when I read your letter & watched your video & it made my girls want to get to know you even more so you will be receiving friend requests on face book from them soon."
"I have loved you since the day you were born and will always love you. If I know my kids they will be the same. I felt nothing but love when i read your letter. It breaks my heart to hear you had such a hard time in August. Come see us soon, you are always welcome. The saddest thing is that you won't get to experience some things, but you'll have other experiences that bring you joy and we will share them with you. If anyone doesn't feel the way I do their name will be crossed off the dinner guest list before your name will." (from my Grandma... typed after a phone call)
Friends
"As an active married, LDS Christian, straight, business man you are welcome in my home, next to me in church and hopefully on work projects in the future."
"I know it took a lot to write this email, and I want you to know that it doesn't change my views on you as my friend. And as my friend, just know that I will continue to pray for you and love you."
"I'm sure you might get responses to this email that are both good and bad. Please don't let the bad affect you. Heavenly Father loves all his children equally, and that's all that matters. What better friend can you have than Him?"
"My beliefs about homosexuality are found in my testimony of the family proclamation, but I hope you know that is not a judgment to you or any other person. Heaven knows we don't have all the answers and I'm certainly in no position to pass any kind of judgment. I guess I'm trying to say that I hope you don't feel any sense of rejection or that my feelings of friendship have changed in any way and I would hope no one would!! Anyways you're amazing and I for sure
want to hang out/ kick it on the dance floor soon!!"
"First and foremost I don't care what you believe in or what your sexuality is you will always be a friend of mine."
"I think you know that we are bound to have some fundamental differences in beliefs on this issue, but know that that doesn't make me love you any less as a friend. I can promise you that. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when you were having such a hard time. I know that you're a good person. You have been for as long as I have known you. I sincerely hope that this gives you the peace you have been looking for."
"I have so many friends in the gay community and the importance of support and speaking openly about these issues to teach and learn is so very important, and so very life saving."
"So, I just read your email. I was honestly surprised. When are you free? I would love to see you, and not just because of this news, but because I haven't seen you in a long while. Let me know when we can get together."
"As I finished reading the email my heart went out to you and I will not judge you. I know tons of members and other people outside of the church will I guess you can say give you a hard time but who are they to judge. It's your life and you choose how to live it. I love you as a friend and always will."
"Jonathan, you are so totally going to hell. Just kidding man. That took a lot of guts, and I applaud your honesty with yourself and with us."
"I have been very confused by this whole "issue" for lack of a better word. It has been bothering me for quite some time - because I believe that God loves all of his children with such a pure deep love that turning our backs on "the minority", as you put it, leaving them to fend for themselves, telling them that they just need to choose to be good felt inherently wrong. Your letter was like a warm cushy hug from heaven. I literally felt God's love and reassurance in it, because God does love all of his children. He doesn't pick and choose - He loves all of us with that same warm love."
------------------------
So as you can see... the most negative reaction I've received is simply that another person disagrees with me. But everyone has made sure that I know they love me and that nothing changes that love and friendship. Also, it has generally brought me closer to others. People are interested in catching up or getting to know me better because of my honesty. I have really been very fortunate as I have come out and told people that I am gay.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
16 February 2011
13 February 2011
THT: Updates
I've been pretty silent over the past week. I apologize. I've become very busy with things... mostly work. Starting a career is no easy thing.
I've had some really important and meaningful conversations over the past few days with people from all walks of life. They all have different ideas about God and religion. All have been devout members of the church at one point or another. If you have seen 8: The Mormon Proposition, I met with the mother (Linda Stay) and father of the boy that gets married in the film. There were six of us there total and we sat talking in a little cafe in St. George for almost 4 hours. Linda and her husband are wonderful, loving people. Something I have come to love is the connection I feel with people now. It doesn't matter what their situation in life is or what their beliefs are, I can connect on a very real and personal level.
Something we all had in common is that we were all hurt pretty significantly by the church. We have all dealt with that in different ways and are all on different paths. But despite all that, it is amazing to feel the love, the sincerity, and the deep belief that radiates from these people. Their love is real. Their pain is real.
I talked to my mom about her thoughts on my facing the church. It is a hard thing for her to consider. If I were to be excommunicated, she isn't sure how she'd handle that. She isn't sure how she could trust the church or its leaders. At the same time she doesn't want me to resign. She also understands that I feel the need to face this. She thinks about me and my situation and what it means every day. She is having to come to grips with her beliefs just like I have been having to. The difference is that I have friends and people to talk to about it. She has no one. She's tried to talk to a friend who has a son that is gay, but has found that that topic is closed for discussion with her. I will probably tell her about Linda today and see if she wants to talk to her.
After this week and the many discussions I've had, I am unsure about how to proceed with the church. I understand completely why people would choose to resign. It is interesting how many experiences I've had this last week since coming to the conclusion that I wanted to face the church that have been very relevant. I think that perhaps this will take more time than I initially thought. As strong as I sometimes feel that I am and as prepared as I think I might be, the truth is, I am not bulletproof. Certain things cut me deep. Things can still be said that tear my world apart and make me doubt myself. I can still be thrown back into that world of darkness and confusion if I am not careful. Whenever that happens (which isn't often by any means), it doesn't last long. But it is enough to remind me of the horrible place (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually) that I found myself in after years of self-hate. I am still on the path to healing. Am I ready for another blow?
I've had some really important and meaningful conversations over the past few days with people from all walks of life. They all have different ideas about God and religion. All have been devout members of the church at one point or another. If you have seen 8: The Mormon Proposition, I met with the mother (Linda Stay) and father of the boy that gets married in the film. There were six of us there total and we sat talking in a little cafe in St. George for almost 4 hours. Linda and her husband are wonderful, loving people. Something I have come to love is the connection I feel with people now. It doesn't matter what their situation in life is or what their beliefs are, I can connect on a very real and personal level.
Something we all had in common is that we were all hurt pretty significantly by the church. We have all dealt with that in different ways and are all on different paths. But despite all that, it is amazing to feel the love, the sincerity, and the deep belief that radiates from these people. Their love is real. Their pain is real.
I talked to my mom about her thoughts on my facing the church. It is a hard thing for her to consider. If I were to be excommunicated, she isn't sure how she'd handle that. She isn't sure how she could trust the church or its leaders. At the same time she doesn't want me to resign. She also understands that I feel the need to face this. She thinks about me and my situation and what it means every day. She is having to come to grips with her beliefs just like I have been having to. The difference is that I have friends and people to talk to about it. She has no one. She's tried to talk to a friend who has a son that is gay, but has found that that topic is closed for discussion with her. I will probably tell her about Linda today and see if she wants to talk to her.
After this week and the many discussions I've had, I am unsure about how to proceed with the church. I understand completely why people would choose to resign. It is interesting how many experiences I've had this last week since coming to the conclusion that I wanted to face the church that have been very relevant. I think that perhaps this will take more time than I initially thought. As strong as I sometimes feel that I am and as prepared as I think I might be, the truth is, I am not bulletproof. Certain things cut me deep. Things can still be said that tear my world apart and make me doubt myself. I can still be thrown back into that world of darkness and confusion if I am not careful. Whenever that happens (which isn't often by any means), it doesn't last long. But it is enough to remind me of the horrible place (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually) that I found myself in after years of self-hate. I am still on the path to healing. Am I ready for another blow?
04 February 2011
PE: My best friend is a straight girl
Growing up, I have always had close girl friends. For some reason, the result of repressing my sexuality made it so I was intimidated and uncomfortable around guys. But I always found myself running into the same problem over and over. Eventually, one of these female friends would fall for me. This is a common thing that seems to happen when your closest friends are straight girls.
I can talk about anything with this friend of mine. She knows my secrets. She knows my feelings and thoughts about everything. She's been there during my hard times and I've been there for hers. We've built a close relationship of trust. Anyone starting to see the problem here?
I feel like there are two parts of a relationship. One aspect is the part you control, and the other is completely out of your control. The part you control is that relationship of trust and commitment. The friendship part. It takes work and time. It must be built from the ground up. This goes for any relationship.
The other part is natural. It is inside you. It is the part that gets emotional, physical, and even spiritual fulfillment in being with the person. It is that part of you that longs to be held or to hold the person. The part of you that is completely put at ease when you are in the other one's arms. That part, you can't control... it just is.
Well... you can begin to imagine the hell it would be for this girl, who has built a friendship based on trust and love... the hard part, but who naturally longs to be held and comforted and loved physically by a man. She knows and understands and loves that I am gay. But that can't change her natural feelings. The result is a never-ending broken heart. This crushes me.
You know how it is kind of unacceptable for a married man to have single female friends or a married woman to have single male friends? The problem is if you have a friendship based on trust and love, the natural instincts of the soul desire more. Even if the married person is completely committed to his/her spouse, the single person will always hurt because he/she can't be with the person they love.
In this situation... it is as if I were the married man who had a single female friend who was very close and dear to me. I am unavailable to her... yet I am the one in her life that could complete her. At the same time, though... I am single. I am not dating anyone at the moment. So we can spend time together all we want. It is so frustrating. It is the one reason I would ever wish I was straight. The reason being that if I were straight, I could make her happy. I could give her all that she wants. And I love this girl. She is a dear dear friend and I am so blessed to have her in my life. I see why some gay men marry women. They feel that they can make this other person that they love happy, even if they can't find fulfillment in it.
At the same time... because she knows that I do not get the same fulfillment that she does when we are physically close, she pulls away... she feels unequal. She gets upset that she can't give to me what I can give to her. The reasons I have for wanting to be close to her is because I know it brings her comfort... it makes her feel safe. Knowing that I am helping her feel that way is my motivation. But when I need comfort, when I need to feel safe, I can only get that from the physical closeness to another guy. It causes her so much pain and because it causes her pain, it causes me pain. Perhaps you can begin to see why I would never marry a woman. It is for this very reason. How could I ask someone I love to live their life with a broken heart, or expect myself to live a life without ever filling my own heart? It wouldn't be fair to either of us.
With another gay man, we can both fulfill eachother's needs. We can build a relationship of love, trust and commitment. That is the part we all work to make happen. But then we can also both receive the natural fulfillment that comes from being close physically. Feeling safe and loved in eachother's arms. There is some sort of healing that happens there. Even if you are upset at the other person, a sincere embrace makes all the bad go away and it is replaced by feelings of love. Gay people need that healing just as much as anyone.
I can talk about anything with this friend of mine. She knows my secrets. She knows my feelings and thoughts about everything. She's been there during my hard times and I've been there for hers. We've built a close relationship of trust. Anyone starting to see the problem here?
I feel like there are two parts of a relationship. One aspect is the part you control, and the other is completely out of your control. The part you control is that relationship of trust and commitment. The friendship part. It takes work and time. It must be built from the ground up. This goes for any relationship.
The other part is natural. It is inside you. It is the part that gets emotional, physical, and even spiritual fulfillment in being with the person. It is that part of you that longs to be held or to hold the person. The part of you that is completely put at ease when you are in the other one's arms. That part, you can't control... it just is.
Well... you can begin to imagine the hell it would be for this girl, who has built a friendship based on trust and love... the hard part, but who naturally longs to be held and comforted and loved physically by a man. She knows and understands and loves that I am gay. But that can't change her natural feelings. The result is a never-ending broken heart. This crushes me.
You know how it is kind of unacceptable for a married man to have single female friends or a married woman to have single male friends? The problem is if you have a friendship based on trust and love, the natural instincts of the soul desire more. Even if the married person is completely committed to his/her spouse, the single person will always hurt because he/she can't be with the person they love.
In this situation... it is as if I were the married man who had a single female friend who was very close and dear to me. I am unavailable to her... yet I am the one in her life that could complete her. At the same time, though... I am single. I am not dating anyone at the moment. So we can spend time together all we want. It is so frustrating. It is the one reason I would ever wish I was straight. The reason being that if I were straight, I could make her happy. I could give her all that she wants. And I love this girl. She is a dear dear friend and I am so blessed to have her in my life. I see why some gay men marry women. They feel that they can make this other person that they love happy, even if they can't find fulfillment in it.
At the same time... because she knows that I do not get the same fulfillment that she does when we are physically close, she pulls away... she feels unequal. She gets upset that she can't give to me what I can give to her. The reasons I have for wanting to be close to her is because I know it brings her comfort... it makes her feel safe. Knowing that I am helping her feel that way is my motivation. But when I need comfort, when I need to feel safe, I can only get that from the physical closeness to another guy. It causes her so much pain and because it causes her pain, it causes me pain. Perhaps you can begin to see why I would never marry a woman. It is for this very reason. How could I ask someone I love to live their life with a broken heart, or expect myself to live a life without ever filling my own heart? It wouldn't be fair to either of us.
With another gay man, we can both fulfill eachother's needs. We can build a relationship of love, trust and commitment. That is the part we all work to make happen. But then we can also both receive the natural fulfillment that comes from being close physically. Feeling safe and loved in eachother's arms. There is some sort of healing that happens there. Even if you are upset at the other person, a sincere embrace makes all the bad go away and it is replaced by feelings of love. Gay people need that healing just as much as anyone.
26 January 2011
PE: Coming out to friends
As I've mentioned... I've kind of come out in waves since August 2010. First it was a few close friends who were immediately part of my life. They saw me through the hell I went through as I waged war against myself, praying to God it wasn't true. Then it was my immediate family. Then it was my extended family. Now it is friends who I feel have either been a significant part of my life at some point or who have left very significant impressions on me as genuine people. Everyone included... I'd say I have now informed around 200 people by letter. You know, it doesn't matter how many times I've done it, or how many people I tell... hitting that "send" button or having that conversation is always begun with eyes closed or a deep breath. There is always the sad fear that tomorrow I will have one less friend. But then I remember the reasons why I am telling people and I realize that those reasons are far better than any reasons I have to say nothing. Here is the text of the latest letter sent to friends:
To My Friends:
I don't typically write updates to everyone on my life… perhaps I will start, but 2010 was a big year for me and there is quite a lot to tell. If you are reading this, it means that I truly value your friendship and although we may be separated by land or sea or years of silence, I will always be grateful for the part you have played in my life. I hope we will always maintain our friendship and that eventually we may cross paths again one day. You may have been a friend from childhood, from school or from church. I may have met you in this country or another. But please know that you have touched my life in significant ways.
I graduated from Brigham Young University at the end of 2010 with a degree in film. It may seem late to some of you since many of you have already gone further in your education, but I did take a 2-year break from school to serve a mission for my church in Korea as many of you remember. I worked on several student projects while at school, the most well-known to date being the promotional ad that I worked on with 9 others for the BYU library called "New Spice."
For now I reside in Utah in Salt Lake Valley where I do freelance work. My biggest job right now is producing commercials for a Utah craft store chain, but I am also working with a new social media site to produce video content. Since I am just starting out earning my living as a filmmaker, I will be working another job to provide stable income while I start building a clientele. I am excited to start life after college and am looking forward to all of the challenges and curve balls it is sure to bring.
As good as the year sounds, 2010 was also the most emotionally, spiritually, and mentally draining to date. In fact, I almost didn't make it past August. The truth is, the first three quarters of the year was pretty much hell and in August I had made the decision and assembled a plan to take my life and you would have been receiving a very different letter. But don't fret. I am still here and I am happier than ever! Surely you expect me to explain myself and the reasons I became so hopeless.
Some of you already know… others may have wondered, but the truth is, I am gay. I always have been and always will be. I almost extinguished my life rather than to accept that. For some of you, this revelation may not be a big deal. But for the majority, it is huge. I grew up Mormon. My whole family/extended family is Mormon. I served a mission. Went to a Mormon-owned University. Mormons don't look to happily upon gay people. This was why it took me 25 years before I could accept it. I didn't want it. I didn't believe it. I thought I could ignore it, hide it, and even hate it out of me. The result was very dangerous. All I succeeded in doing was hating myself.
I thought that if I were good enough. If I could prove to God that I was good that he would "cure" me. So I tried. I did all the right things. I did what I was supposed to. I tried dating girls. But the cure never came. Years passed. Instead what happened is I became disillusioned with God and religion. I was angry at him. What more did I have to do? What more could I do? Did I not deserve a blessing? An answer? Was I THAT repugnant? When I realized that there was no miracle for me… no God who would answer my prayers, I saw very few choices:
I could continue living as I had been. Denying part of myself… hating myself… slowly killing my emotions, my spirit, everything that brings any sense of life to the body. But that is exactly what brought me to this point in my life.
I could abandon my beliefs and my religion. My family and my friends. Live my life as a gay man but live believing I would go to hell for it. Sure, maybe it wouldn't be so, but it could be. I had already spent enough of my time that year in hell to know that I didn't want to risk that.
I could kill myself. The last choice I'd ever have to make. Maybe it was a bad decision… but it was only one decision. One sin instead of the multitude I might rack up living as a gay man… and surely better than the living hell I was experiencing.
But guess what? I did get my miracle. My answer came. in those last black moments of my life, I found the peace I had been begging God for my entire life. It just came with an answer I was never willing to hear before. I am not broken. I am not ill. There is nothing wrong with me! The love I feel and yearn for is real and meaningful and GOOD and God loves me for exactly who I am and how I love! Oh how I wish I had been able to hear this sooner.
For some of you, this will be enough. For others, you may need more explanation. See… I am in a peculiar position. Mormons want me to abandon being gay and gays (and gay supporters) want me to abandon Mormonism. Here's the thing. I can no more root out the Mormon from me than I can the gay. I am both. It took me awhile before I realized that the war I was waging on myself… the war between faith and sexuality… is completely man-made. Mormons believe in Christ and his teachings. Christ is the center of all that we believe. Yet Christ did not once speak on the matter of homosexuality. In fact… the gospels, and the three volumes of scripture unique to Mormonism (Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, Doctrine & Covenants) are all SILENT on the matter.
I have come to this conclusion: Homosexuality is natural. It is found throughout nature among all different species. I don't need science to tell me that it is not a choice because I did not choose this. I gave everything I could, even to the point of being willing to offer my life, so that I could be straight. It was not a choice for me. Despite the natural occurrence, homosexuals are still a significant minority. An estimated 5% or so among humans. What does history tell us about how we tend to treat minorities?
Of course you can't understand how the feelings you have for the opposite sex are the same feelings I have for the same-sex. Of course you cannot fully understand how when I am trying to be romantic with a girl it is as unnatural feeling as a straight boy trying to be romantic with another boy. It is outside of your experience. And since I am a minority, I must be weird. Perverted. Twisted.
The fact is, every man and woman, no matter how inspired, is heavily influenced by the time, environment, and the circumstances surrounding him/her. The cultural biases and prejudices of today make even the word "gay" wrong in today's church. However, ALL people necessarily have limited understanding and experience (including prophets) and therefore their concepts of what is good and true are fallible. Each person can only envision a part of our shared reality. Such partiality, when presented as the totality, can severely limit the lives who embrace it as truth.
I do not accept the idea that homosexuality is inherently evil. In fact, I know for myself that it is not because of my own experiences and the amazing good that has come into my life since embracing my sexuality. When I was doing all I could to try and deny myself and do what I was taught to be right, THAT is when I was driven furthest away from God and closest to spiritual and physical death. Accepting my sexuality and allowing myself to love and be loved has reversed that. I have grown nearer to God, more aware of his love and more full of life. Comparing my life before and after coming to terms with my being gay is like comparing night to day. I know which one a loving God would want for his son.
This intent of this letter is not to persuade you. I would never be able to manage that. I barely managed to come to grips with it myself, and I am the one that experienced it. If you are interested in anything I have to say about anything concerning sexuality or religion, please feel comfortable emailing me. I also have a blog that I have written many of my thoughts on. Feel free to visit it here.
I have met so many good gay Mormons. Many have been abandoned by their families. Many are too scared to tell anyone. Others never will and choose instead to take their lives as I almost did. This is not a rare story. These are good people with honest hearts who are suffering needlessly. I am doing all that I can to help them. Ask me if you want to know how I am doing that. All I ask is that you keep an open heart. The more I learn, the more I realize how little we understand of God. The more I experience the more ignorant I realize I am. We don't have all the answers.
I sincerely hope I haven't offended or embarrassed anyone reading this letter. I will always respect your opinions and beliefs and would hope you will show that same respect toward me. I will always consider you a friend and would love for you to continue to be a part of my life. However, I will understand and respect any decisions you make to end ties to me. That, however, will be your decision, not mine.
Many may wonder why I feel the need to tell people about this. There are several reasons. I am an honest person. I don't like to feel as if I need to pretend of lie to someone or put on an act just to stay in their favor. In the end, that drives a wedge between relationships because I am not allowing you to be involved in my real life at all. Now I can talk with you and answer questions truthfully and plainly. You also have heard this news from me… not from some mutual friend who thought he/she heard that Jonathan's sister said that blah blah blah. It is out in the open. I am not ashamed. You can talk to me about it if you want. It doesn't have to be talked about in hushed voices. There is a lot of ignorance surrounding homosexuality. If I stayed silent and never told people, I would only be supporting that ignorance. You know me well enough to know that many things that have been said about gay people are false.
I hope that is sufficient to help you begin to understand why it was important to me that I write the letter. I wish you all the best this 2011. Lets live life to its fullest and always strive for goodness!
love,
Jonathan
To My Friends:
I don't typically write updates to everyone on my life… perhaps I will start, but 2010 was a big year for me and there is quite a lot to tell. If you are reading this, it means that I truly value your friendship and although we may be separated by land or sea or years of silence, I will always be grateful for the part you have played in my life. I hope we will always maintain our friendship and that eventually we may cross paths again one day. You may have been a friend from childhood, from school or from church. I may have met you in this country or another. But please know that you have touched my life in significant ways.
I graduated from Brigham Young University at the end of 2010 with a degree in film. It may seem late to some of you since many of you have already gone further in your education, but I did take a 2-year break from school to serve a mission for my church in Korea as many of you remember. I worked on several student projects while at school, the most well-known to date being the promotional ad that I worked on with 9 others for the BYU library called "New Spice."
For now I reside in Utah in Salt Lake Valley where I do freelance work. My biggest job right now is producing commercials for a Utah craft store chain, but I am also working with a new social media site to produce video content. Since I am just starting out earning my living as a filmmaker, I will be working another job to provide stable income while I start building a clientele. I am excited to start life after college and am looking forward to all of the challenges and curve balls it is sure to bring.
As good as the year sounds, 2010 was also the most emotionally, spiritually, and mentally draining to date. In fact, I almost didn't make it past August. The truth is, the first three quarters of the year was pretty much hell and in August I had made the decision and assembled a plan to take my life and you would have been receiving a very different letter. But don't fret. I am still here and I am happier than ever! Surely you expect me to explain myself and the reasons I became so hopeless.
Some of you already know… others may have wondered, but the truth is, I am gay. I always have been and always will be. I almost extinguished my life rather than to accept that. For some of you, this revelation may not be a big deal. But for the majority, it is huge. I grew up Mormon. My whole family/extended family is Mormon. I served a mission. Went to a Mormon-owned University. Mormons don't look to happily upon gay people. This was why it took me 25 years before I could accept it. I didn't want it. I didn't believe it. I thought I could ignore it, hide it, and even hate it out of me. The result was very dangerous. All I succeeded in doing was hating myself.
I thought that if I were good enough. If I could prove to God that I was good that he would "cure" me. So I tried. I did all the right things. I did what I was supposed to. I tried dating girls. But the cure never came. Years passed. Instead what happened is I became disillusioned with God and religion. I was angry at him. What more did I have to do? What more could I do? Did I not deserve a blessing? An answer? Was I THAT repugnant? When I realized that there was no miracle for me… no God who would answer my prayers, I saw very few choices:
I could continue living as I had been. Denying part of myself… hating myself… slowly killing my emotions, my spirit, everything that brings any sense of life to the body. But that is exactly what brought me to this point in my life.
I could abandon my beliefs and my religion. My family and my friends. Live my life as a gay man but live believing I would go to hell for it. Sure, maybe it wouldn't be so, but it could be. I had already spent enough of my time that year in hell to know that I didn't want to risk that.
I could kill myself. The last choice I'd ever have to make. Maybe it was a bad decision… but it was only one decision. One sin instead of the multitude I might rack up living as a gay man… and surely better than the living hell I was experiencing.
But guess what? I did get my miracle. My answer came. in those last black moments of my life, I found the peace I had been begging God for my entire life. It just came with an answer I was never willing to hear before. I am not broken. I am not ill. There is nothing wrong with me! The love I feel and yearn for is real and meaningful and GOOD and God loves me for exactly who I am and how I love! Oh how I wish I had been able to hear this sooner.
For some of you, this will be enough. For others, you may need more explanation. See… I am in a peculiar position. Mormons want me to abandon being gay and gays (and gay supporters) want me to abandon Mormonism. Here's the thing. I can no more root out the Mormon from me than I can the gay. I am both. It took me awhile before I realized that the war I was waging on myself… the war between faith and sexuality… is completely man-made. Mormons believe in Christ and his teachings. Christ is the center of all that we believe. Yet Christ did not once speak on the matter of homosexuality. In fact… the gospels, and the three volumes of scripture unique to Mormonism (Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, Doctrine & Covenants) are all SILENT on the matter.
I have come to this conclusion: Homosexuality is natural. It is found throughout nature among all different species. I don't need science to tell me that it is not a choice because I did not choose this. I gave everything I could, even to the point of being willing to offer my life, so that I could be straight. It was not a choice for me. Despite the natural occurrence, homosexuals are still a significant minority. An estimated 5% or so among humans. What does history tell us about how we tend to treat minorities?
Of course you can't understand how the feelings you have for the opposite sex are the same feelings I have for the same-sex. Of course you cannot fully understand how when I am trying to be romantic with a girl it is as unnatural feeling as a straight boy trying to be romantic with another boy. It is outside of your experience. And since I am a minority, I must be weird. Perverted. Twisted.
The fact is, every man and woman, no matter how inspired, is heavily influenced by the time, environment, and the circumstances surrounding him/her. The cultural biases and prejudices of today make even the word "gay" wrong in today's church. However, ALL people necessarily have limited understanding and experience (including prophets) and therefore their concepts of what is good and true are fallible. Each person can only envision a part of our shared reality. Such partiality, when presented as the totality, can severely limit the lives who embrace it as truth.
I do not accept the idea that homosexuality is inherently evil. In fact, I know for myself that it is not because of my own experiences and the amazing good that has come into my life since embracing my sexuality. When I was doing all I could to try and deny myself and do what I was taught to be right, THAT is when I was driven furthest away from God and closest to spiritual and physical death. Accepting my sexuality and allowing myself to love and be loved has reversed that. I have grown nearer to God, more aware of his love and more full of life. Comparing my life before and after coming to terms with my being gay is like comparing night to day. I know which one a loving God would want for his son.
This intent of this letter is not to persuade you. I would never be able to manage that. I barely managed to come to grips with it myself, and I am the one that experienced it. If you are interested in anything I have to say about anything concerning sexuality or religion, please feel comfortable emailing me. I also have a blog that I have written many of my thoughts on. Feel free to visit it here.
I have met so many good gay Mormons. Many have been abandoned by their families. Many are too scared to tell anyone. Others never will and choose instead to take their lives as I almost did. This is not a rare story. These are good people with honest hearts who are suffering needlessly. I am doing all that I can to help them. Ask me if you want to know how I am doing that. All I ask is that you keep an open heart. The more I learn, the more I realize how little we understand of God. The more I experience the more ignorant I realize I am. We don't have all the answers.
I sincerely hope I haven't offended or embarrassed anyone reading this letter. I will always respect your opinions and beliefs and would hope you will show that same respect toward me. I will always consider you a friend and would love for you to continue to be a part of my life. However, I will understand and respect any decisions you make to end ties to me. That, however, will be your decision, not mine.
Many may wonder why I feel the need to tell people about this. There are several reasons. I am an honest person. I don't like to feel as if I need to pretend of lie to someone or put on an act just to stay in their favor. In the end, that drives a wedge between relationships because I am not allowing you to be involved in my real life at all. Now I can talk with you and answer questions truthfully and plainly. You also have heard this news from me… not from some mutual friend who thought he/she heard that Jonathan's sister said that blah blah blah. It is out in the open. I am not ashamed. You can talk to me about it if you want. It doesn't have to be talked about in hushed voices. There is a lot of ignorance surrounding homosexuality. If I stayed silent and never told people, I would only be supporting that ignorance. You know me well enough to know that many things that have been said about gay people are false.
I hope that is sufficient to help you begin to understand why it was important to me that I write the letter. I wish you all the best this 2011. Lets live life to its fullest and always strive for goodness!
love,
Jonathan
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