Growing up, I have always had close girl friends. For some reason, the result of repressing my sexuality made it so I was intimidated and uncomfortable around guys. But I always found myself running into the same problem over and over. Eventually, one of these female friends would fall for me. This is a common thing that seems to happen when your closest friends are straight girls.
I can talk about anything with this friend of mine. She knows my secrets. She knows my feelings and thoughts about everything. She's been there during my hard times and I've been there for hers. We've built a close relationship of trust. Anyone starting to see the problem here?
I feel like there are two parts of a relationship. One aspect is the part you control, and the other is completely out of your control. The part you control is that relationship of trust and commitment. The friendship part. It takes work and time. It must be built from the ground up. This goes for any relationship.
The other part is natural. It is inside you. It is the part that gets emotional, physical, and even spiritual fulfillment in being with the person. It is that part of you that longs to be held or to hold the person. The part of you that is completely put at ease when you are in the other one's arms. That part, you can't control... it just is.
Well... you can begin to imagine the hell it would be for this girl, who has built a friendship based on trust and love... the hard part, but who naturally longs to be held and comforted and loved physically by a man. She knows and understands and loves that I am gay. But that can't change her natural feelings. The result is a never-ending broken heart. This crushes me.
You know how it is kind of unacceptable for a married man to have single female friends or a married woman to have single male friends? The problem is if you have a friendship based on trust and love, the natural instincts of the soul desire more. Even if the married person is completely committed to his/her spouse, the single person will always hurt because he/she can't be with the person they love.
In this situation... it is as if I were the married man who had a single female friend who was very close and dear to me. I am unavailable to her... yet I am the one in her life that could complete her. At the same time, though... I am single. I am not dating anyone at the moment. So we can spend time together all we want. It is so frustrating. It is the one reason I would ever wish I was straight. The reason being that if I were straight, I could make her happy. I could give her all that she wants. And I love this girl. She is a dear dear friend and I am so blessed to have her in my life. I see why some gay men marry women. They feel that they can make this other person that they love happy, even if they can't find fulfillment in it.
At the same time... because she knows that I do not get the same fulfillment that she does when we are physically close, she pulls away... she feels unequal. She gets upset that she can't give to me what I can give to her. The reasons I have for wanting to be close to her is because I know it brings her comfort... it makes her feel safe. Knowing that I am helping her feel that way is my motivation. But when I need comfort, when I need to feel safe, I can only get that from the physical closeness to another guy. It causes her so much pain and because it causes her pain, it causes me pain. Perhaps you can begin to see why I would never marry a woman. It is for this very reason. How could I ask someone I love to live their life with a broken heart, or expect myself to live a life without ever filling my own heart? It wouldn't be fair to either of us.
With another gay man, we can both fulfill eachother's needs. We can build a relationship of love, trust and commitment. That is the part we all work to make happen. But then we can also both receive the natural fulfillment that comes from being close physically. Feeling safe and loved in eachother's arms. There is some sort of healing that happens there. Even if you are upset at the other person, a sincere embrace makes all the bad go away and it is replaced by feelings of love. Gay people need that healing just as much as anyone.