Back From the Dead

Almost two years since my last blog entry. Its interesting how time seems to fade away at a faster and faster pace the older we get. It proves that time is so relative and sheds light on just how short our time on this planet is in the grand scheme of things. I mean, we live in a universe that is almost 14 billion years old on a planet that is 4.5 billion years old. What's 100 years?

After stepping away from Mormonism and feeling like I had handed in all interest in the subject with my resignation, I took some time to process my rage. Leaving the Church is what allowed me to start processing my grief. According to the Kubler-Ross Model of the stages of grief, there are 5 distinct parts. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I can see myself in these stages both in accepting myself as a gay man and in accepting the reality of my relationship with Mormonism and of my place in it. I'd like to think that I have overcome much of the anger and resentment I felt concerning the Church and what it did to me and my self-worth. I don't know if I will ever be fully mended. I feel hopeful that the wounds will heal, but I have found that some of those wounds cut pretty deep. Regardless, the scars will always appear on my soul.

The truth is, resigning didn't magically sever all my connections and interest in Mormonism. But it gave me a new perspective- one that only a person who was once so embedded inside could have when viewing it from the outside. I have found myself still invested in the Church and what it does. I follow the "bloggernacle" news. I participate in the forums for Mormon progressives like Mormon Stories.

One might ask, and in fact many have, "why do you even care anymore?" It is a valid question and I have an answer, but that will need to wait for another day. For now, let it suffice to say that, no, it isn't because deep down I really know it is true. I hold to my agnostic approach to all things mysterious and I feel quite comfortable with the phrase, "I don't know."

My continued courtship with Mormonism has been one of cautious skepticism. I try to rely on facts- things I know to be true- as I navigate the waters that were once my home. As I have done this, it has become somewhat of a hobby. It is fascinating to study the events that led to my experience in the church as a gay youth and young man. I have found that I still have much to say. Whether or not people find what I have to say interesting or useful (or whether or not they find these words at all) is not important. I thought for a long time that it would be deceiving to blog under a title that suggests I am LDS. But I have resolved to be perfectly clear and upfront about my relationship with the church while also conveying the message that you can take this boy out of Mormonism, but you can't take Mormonism out of this boy. 

And so, I begin a new chapter of "In These Gay Mormon Shoes."

PE: Back to God

I went to Vegas over the weekend to see my family and go to my cousin's farewell. I was only there for like 30 hours, but it was really good to see my mom and sister who drove up as well as other extended family members.

I was talking with my mom, sister, aunt and uncle about various church related things. I didn't bring it up... they started talking about experiences they've had in church and how it has been hard sometimes because they don't agree on certain things. My aunt is a pretty strong feminist, so she has issues with the fact that men can marry multiple women in the temple and women can only marry one and other similar doctrines. She has also been mistreated to the extreme by church members. Anyway, I asked why she still goes. Not out of accusation, out of honest curiosity. I wanted to find out why she continues to go even though she has some big questions and problems with certain doctrines/policies.

Anyway, that sparked an interesting conversation. My uncle said if he were in my shoes, staying would be insane. My aunt and mom talked about reasons why they go even though they disagree at times. Later, though, I was talking with just my mom and sister and my mom gave me really good advice.

After explaining my situation and how it is difficult to think about God without attaching the church (the organization in which I learned of God) and how the church uproots negativity, pain and mistrust, she said to let the church go for awhile. I am letting my experience with the church destroy my relationship with God. She said I should just focus on my relationship with God right now through prayer and meditation and leave the religion thing out of it until I am spiritually healthy again. I think she is right.

Here is what I feel like I have done: Growing up, I had a void. It was a void I refused to fill and no substitute worked. That hole was my orientation, and it was a large one. I tried to fill it with church, with staying busy, with prayer, with service, fasting, trying to date women... but that hole just got deeper until I could not feel emotion, I could not feel love, I could not believe I was loved, and my spirit broke. No substitute would do. Then, I had an experience that taught me that God did not want me to look for a substitute because there was none. I learned that living authentically and accepting love into my soul by coming to terms with and embracing my orientation was the only way to fill that deep void that threatened my life. Once I accepted the real thing, life became so sweet.

But I had work to do. How will I reconcile my faith and my sexuality? According to churches and religions, I could not keep both. In the beginning, I was hopeful that I could find a way... but after awhile, I had another void in me. God. I was trying to fill it with religion. I was so determined to force religion to embrace my orientation that I got sidetracked. But religion never did agree with my sexuality. It was God that taught me that to embrace it, NOT religion. Now I realize that a church does not own or dictate my relationship with God and that it is God who I need to look to for comfort and guidance, not religion.

So, I have decided to fill this new void with the real thing. God. I am going to focus on my relationship with deity. It is a new thing for me because in the past, I used church to cultivate that relationship. Church is what forced me to think about God, read about him, etc. But right now, my spirit is still wounded by my experience. The church is just salt on the wound at this point. I hope that once that void is full and my relationship with God is strong, the wounds will heal and I can perhaps approach the idea of religion again.

I have been using blame as a way to discharge pain and discomfort, and it hasn't worked. God claims to comfort and heal. I'm going back to God.

PE: Sometimes We Don't Know Where We're Going

I recently moved to downtown Salt Lake City and am still kind of learning the area. Anyway, I was driving around trying to find this restaurant, but it wasn't exactly where google maps said it was. To be fair, it was close... but I thought for sure it didn't exist when it wasn't EXACTLY where google said. It just happen to be a few doors down.

Anyway, I got to the parking lot of the strip mall where it was located and found this:

I immediately parked my car and took a picture, noting the irony of it all. But then I was asking myself, "why is it that anything written in graffiti on a dumpster seems so much more profound?" I suppose its because it is illegal and if you are going to risk doing it, it must mean something important to the writer. 

Growing up Mormon, you really never doubt where you are going. You know exactly where it is you are going. My life was planned from day one and I knew what to expect until I I realized I didn't fit in the puzzle. All of a sudden, I had no idea where I was going! For me, it was really scary to all of a sudden no longer have my google map... or realizing that the map I had been following all my life ended up leading me to the wrong location.

But guess what? I have found so much joy and excitement in not knowing exactly where I am going. It is only when you are not quite sure of where you are headed when you accidentally find hidden treasures in life. Like this dumpster. If the restaurant was exactly where the map had said, I would have never found it.

But there are more substantial lessons to be learned, treasures to be found. I have met so many amazing people and have added so much depth to my life due to this path I've taken into the unknown. It really has been wonderful. And now, I don't worry about knowing exactly where I am going... because it is in the discovery of the destination that the joy lies.

PE: I'm dating this boy

It has been over two months since I met Sean. It has been really wonderful. I was so full of doubts about the relationship before it really began. I had a whole list of reasons why it wouldn't work. But it has worked. I thought it would be nice if I shared some things about him and my relationship. Its been awhile since I've talked about really personal things.

Funny thing... he actually found me online. Through this very blog. He just wanted to meet people and make some friends because he had just come out and knew no one. So I invited him to game night with some of my friends.

We can talk for hours. One thing we've done quite a bit is go to the Broadway theater to see indie films. Awesome. His family is amazing. I practically lived at his house while I was in the process of moving to Salt Lake and his parents are some of the best people I know. We've had countless dinners with his family. We've gone back-country hiking with his parents in Zion National Park. He is so selfless and never ceases to complement me and encourage me. He isn't Mormon, but his whole extended family is and he grew up here and wanted to be Mormon growing up, so he knows enough about it to understand on a pretty deep level things that I have dealt with. His mom's cousin was Stewart Matis.

It is interesting that even in such a open, non-religious, pro-gay rights household, he grew up to become a self-hating Christian. Suicide was definitely something he contemplated before coming out. We share a lot of similar experiences in coming to terms with our sexuality.

He's in Australia and will be until the middle of November for a study abroad. I miss him fiercely. I went with his parents to see him off. We went up to the security check-point together to say goodbye. It had been a rough couple days for Sean and saying goodbye was pretty emotional for him. If we lived in a better world, our goodbye kiss would have been more substantial, but we settled for a quick kiss as to not cause a scene at the SLC airport. I regret not feeling like we could embrace that moment. We sacrificed it for the comfort of others.

It sounds dramatic to say that we live in fear... but the fact is, we do. Anytime we are in public, their is this ball of fear inside that prevents us from being ourselves completely. We know that if we are going to hold hands, we are likely going to receive some kind of punishment from society. It could be something as small as staring and pointing or something as huge as verbal and even physical abuse. We are both willing to take on a little risk. It is worth it. But we still hold back plenty.

It seems crazy now to think that I would ever consider a life of loneliness. That I would sacrifice a loving, supportive relationship because a religion cites 7 passages of scripture and says it means God hates fags. Sean is an amazing support to me. He loves me and I love him. We care deeply for each others well being. We feel whole together. Together, all the bad things in life fall to the wayside. Being in a loving relationship makes me look forward with eagerness for the day I marry the man I choose to spend the rest of my life with. To build a life with. How dare anyone cite God for the reason they try to prevent me from achieving that level of happiness.

PE: Holding Hands

I started dating someone recently. The first guy since Brig really. I mean, I've been on dates and I've had a couple almost-relationships, but never full-blown relationship. I don't think I was able to let go until recently.

Anyway, a couple weekends ago was PRIDE here in Salt Lake. I didn't really join in any of the festivities. Instead Sean and I went out for a quiet night. It was one of the first relatively warm nights and we were downtown getting a bite to eat. We had to park several blocks from the restaurant we ate at, so it was a nice walk. Typically I don't engage in any kind of PDA because I don't like to make people feel uncomfortable, but on our walk back to the car all the couples were out holding hands and it was such a nice night and I really wanted to hold hands. Every couple we saw were holding hands- no joke.

So initially I just gave his hand a squeeze and thanked him for a nice dinner, but it was apparent he wanted to hold my hand too, so we did. I wish straight people could understand what it is like. I imagine it is somewhat similar to what it felt like for Rosa Parks to sit in the front of the bus. You kind of hold your breath, knowing that you will be punished, but hoping you won't. Well we got punished.

Stares and double-takes don't get to me too much. I guess I kind of accept it as a fair trade. If I want to hold hands, I have to put up with the staring. But we had an SUV full of guys pointing, laughing and yelling at us. "EWW- THEY'RE GAY! DUDE, LOOK!" "GAY!" "BAHAHAHA!" It kind of ruins the nice relaxing summer night. And even though we continued holding hands, the truth is, I couldn't help but feel ashamed and hurt. I felt like I wanted to go and hide. You'd think those feelings would go away, that I would just be used to it, but they don't. I think we all get good at masking the hurt, but the pain is still real.

I yearn for the day when all people see is couples enjoying a warm summer's night instead of the two guys holding hands. I hope I live to see it.

PE: Lessons From Hollister

So one of my jobs is managing a Hollister store. There are two lessons I feel I've learned from working there that are relevant to the discussions on this blog.

#1. If you say you "feel bad" about messing up a pristine folded pile of clothes, you shouldn't throw the shirt you just grabbed onto the presentation.

If you have ever been to an Abercrombie & Fitch or Hollister, you probably are familiar with the kind of folding the company expects. It is basically folding perfection. It sounds ridiculous to talk about the rage that can overtake a person who has just spent 30 minutes of their life on a perfect pile when they see a careless shopper simply rip one out of the stack with no thought given to trying to preserve the other shirts (or whatever). But that rage is real. I sometimes think that shoppers think we just throw the clothes into some kind of folding machine. Do they realize that a person spent time making a pile look like that?

Anyway, every now and then someone will talk about how they "feel bad" for messing up a pile to their friend, yet they will discard their unwanted article of clothing as if it were a piece of trash and they were at a garage sale. And then you get those conscious shoppers who will fold (in some way) the piece of clothing they looked at and place it on top of the pile it came from. It doesn't really matter how they fold it, but the fact that they acknowledge that it is a nicely folded pile by putting a little effort in keeping it nice says a lot about their character.

What does this have to do with anything? I'll tell you. I can't number the amount of times I have heard people say, "I feel bad that you have to deal with being gay," or, "I imagine that would be so hard, and wouldn't wish that on anyone," or "Gosh, I can imagine how painful it would be not to be able to marry the person you love..." and then they end with "but..."

Tell me people, do you REALLY feel bad? Because if you REALLY feel bad, why do you vote to ban gay marriage? Why do you accept that gays shouldn't be given the same rights or standards as straights? Lip service does nothing. And why do you feel bad? Usually we only feel bad because we know what we are doing is messed up... or wrong. You know that pile was folded by a person who spent time making it perfect, and you know the extra work you are leaving them to do, and yet you simply throw the shirt in some random place. If you feel bad for me because "it just must be SO hard to be gay," then make it easier. It doesn't have to be hard.

#2 Our society is unbelievably homophobic. Still.

This is a lesson I learned from our new bags. They certainly cause a stir in Hollister stores across the nation:

Yep. Two dudes. First off, you need to realize that Abercrombie & Fitch sells sexy. Their bags and marketing is always a little provocative and it always has. Suddenly when there is no girl involved, however, the world gets crazy. Second, these guys are not even touching. They are laying on the beach. In fact, if you go to the beach today, chances are you could find a similar thing going on. Two guys on the sand next to each other. But let me tell you about the reactions I witness on a daily basis from people of all ages.

Some people will actually give the bag back after seeing it. Some make comments. They will take a look at the bag, and then with a look of disgust, comment about it to their fellow shopper. Some will comment right in front of you. "That's a fag bag, I don't want that." "Eww, why do they have to put dudes on this!" Others will be more discreet and they will crumple the bag in their hand so no one can make out what is on it. Some will complain and ask for a different bag.

So now, everyday I am reminded of the homophobia that is still very much alive. Especially when it comes to guys. If you replaced the two models with female models, there would be less of a problem. Better yet, make one female and one male and then they could be on top of each other without much controversy. Plus, you can't even tell there are two guys on it by looking at one side. That's all.

PE: I worked on Sunday

This post actually has nothing to do with being gay. It does have to do with being Mormon. This Sunday, I worked. I don't normally work on Sundays, but this week, I did. I work downtown, just minutes away from temple square. On any given day, you will pass quite a few homeless people. Some are in groups. Some are taking a nap on the grass. Some hold signs hoping for some money. Others will just approach you and ask if you could get them a burger from mcdonalds. Some are old. Some are young. Some are mothers, and there are those that are just kids. Ever since I started working downtown, it bothered me. But Sunday it really bothered me.

I made it to work in my fastest time. As I drove out of the neighborhood I live in, cars were filing into church parking lots and families were entering the buildings all dressed up. Sunday is a good day to drive in Utah because everyone is at church. But while everyone was sitting in church, I was driving by the homeless that wander the streets around temple square. And maybe it was just my imagination, but there sure seemed to be a lot more out there on Sunday. It seems so backwards to me. Why are there homeless people in a state where so many Mormons live? But more than that, why are there masses of visibly homeless people surrounding temple square?

Meanwhile, the church is building the 3 billion dollar city creek center across the street from temple square. A massive project that includes luxury condos and an upscale mall with a retractable roof. I don't care were the money is coming from, no church should be putting money into an upscale shopping center before taking care of the homeless and needy that surround its very headquarters. In Jan. 2006, from the Church PR department, (Deseret News Publishing Company): Edgley said, “that since 1984, the LDS Church has donated nearly $750 million in cash and goods to people in need in more than 150 countries. I wouldn't have believed that the church would spend more money on a mall than on over 20 years of humanitarian aid.

Some will argue that it is only costing 1 billion dollars... my answer would be, only? And this IS the number the church initially reported... actually, it started at $800,000. However, take a look at this article from DESERET NEWS, and you will find that indeed, "City Creek Reserve is spending more than $1 million a day on construction, and the project ultimately will cost around $3 billion, said Chris Redgrave, a KSL executive who also chairs the Salt Lake Chamber's Can-Do Coalition." Mind you, this number was given in November 2009. Costs tend to rise on these things.

Sorry for venting. I just don't get it. Am I missing something here? The way the church is choosing to revitalize downtown is to provide another place to buy a new outfit? Should I not be worried about this? Someone please make sense of it for me.

PE: Sex

Did that get your attention? It is interesting how much attention that short little three letter word gets. Why? Why are we so obsessed about it? Why are we so afraid of it? Why do so many choose it over friends, family, careers, etc. It is sort of fascinating. I'm not sure I know all the answers to these questions. I'm not sure the answers matter. But I feel I can come to one solid conclusion based on all the buzz that surrounds this three letter word. For some reason, it is important to human beings. It may be important to different people for different reasons. But in the end, it is something that matters. It is something human beings value.

I categorized this post under "personal experiences." As many of you may know, I'm a virgin. That isn't to say that I haven't had sexual experiences and it also isn't to say that your definition of virgin is my definition. I know very well that family and friends read this, but I really don't care to sensor my writing. I have been done with the facade idea for quite some time. I don't need a facade. I am real. Flesh and blood. Imperfect. Human. And I don't pretend to be anything other than what I am.

Sex isn't really something I go crazy over. When I first came to terms with being gay, so many people told me that I'd be going through a "slut phase." Apparently it is common for guys to just go wild after accepting they are gay. I understand why that could happen. They've spent so much of their life suppressing their feelings instead of dealing with them in healthy ways. The religious may believe that they are going to hell and they might as well enjoy the trip there. There is no direction for them. The easiest gay "scene" to find is the party scene. It is the loudest and the most stereotypical. Imagine not knowing a single gay person. Now that you have come to terms with being gay yourself and you are ready to meet other gay people, who are you most likely to recognize? The flamboyant, "I'm here and I'm queer," loud and in-your-face gay or the successful, educated, career-minded and family-oriented gay? Which one is most-likely going to be at parties and clubs? The first of course. And so, when you are dealing with that alone as a kid, yeah... it is easy to find that lifestyle all the while oblivious to any other gay way of life.

Anyway, I never went through that. Maybe because I was so old when I was coming to terms with my sexuality or maybe it was because I was on anti-depressants that killed my sex drive haha. Don't get me wrong, the body wants it. It feels great. But so do drugs (so I hear). I am not saying sex is bad or destructive like drugs, but it sure can be. It gets back to this whole "sex being important" business. For some reason it is tied to our brain in ways that are important. And when you start messing with the brain, you better know what you are doing.

I get pretty tired of going on dates with guys who obviously just want to get down to business. Sadly, that's all many of them know. I took a guy on a date sort of recently and he thanked me. He said he had never been taken on a date. It has always been a guy inviting him over, messing around, and calling it a night. That is so sad. I told him that he deserved to be treated with respect. To be taken out for dinner. To have someone interested in who he was and what he enjoyed and what he dreams of. We all deserve that.

I said that sex isn't something I go crazy over. That isn't entirely true. I just don't go crazy over meaningless sex. Sex is something that I gain an appetite for when the person lying next to me is going to be there when I wake up. He is going to eat breakfast with me and watch my favorite movies with me. He is going to take care of me when I am sick and get frustrated with little bad habits I have that a person could only know after knowing me long enough to notice them. He is going to try and cheer me up after a difficult day. He is going to worry when I am driving in bad weather late at night and miss me when I am gone for awhile. That's when it is worth it. That is when that "drug" that is sex is prescribed by a reputable doctor. That is when all the things that make sex important are satisfied.

I can't get married to another guy at the moment. Who knows if I ever will legally be able to marry. I feel like the reason marriage is so important to me and other gay people is that marriage means all those things I wrote about above. Both people are entering into an agreement that the state, the family, the friends, and the world recognizes as a relationship where both people will care for each other in sickness and in health. That they are willing to love each other their whole lives and make that commitment before the eyes of loved ones and God. But that is still what I look for. I am looking for the person that is equally committed to loving me as I am to him. And when I feel I have found that person, sex is the cherry on top ;-)

PE: Responses to my coming out

As many of you know, I sent an email out to my extended family weeks ago where I came out to them. Awhile later, I sent out this letter to friends where I came out to them. I wanted to share with you some excerpts from the responses and reactions I have received from both family and friends.

Extended Family

"I hope you know that being "Gay" will NEVER EVER be a reason for me not to love you nor is it a reason to  discontinue having a relationship with you. My home will ALWAYS be a place where you and your significant other will be welcomed with open arms and NO JUDGMENT!!!!! I am Very happy to hear that your Mom, Dad & sisters all took your coming out as well as they did. It saved me a trip to California to set them straight!!! I LOVE YOU JONNY!! Gay or straight it makes no difference to me or my family....we accept you just as you are."

"Your uncle and I want you to know that we love you unconditionally!  You are still our nephew and we have always been proud of you and your accomplishments.  It breaks my heart to hear how you've been hurting and the pain you have gone through."

"Jonathan, I love you Kido. It is good to here from you, I'm glad your year has turned around! and your future is looking bright, congratulations on your graduation. just be yourself and know that you have a lot of loving understanding family that love you and want you to be happy . just so you know , I don't think any less of you due to your sexuality and hope for happiness in all you do and strive to accomplish in your life."

"FINALLY!  (I knew...)  :-) I am so glad you came out and more importantly that you did not take your life.  I am so sorry you were in such a dark place back in August.  I was not raised in the church and feel like I am a little more open minded that most members.  Sexuality is one area I have a lot of questions on regarding the scriptures and the church's stance. Anyway, I am proud of you!  Way to be true to yourself and for your bravery in "coming out."  You are a wonderful man and I just know you have a lot to live for!  If you ever need anything, know that your Uncle and I are here for you!"

"I appreciate your 4 life style views on your blog video.  It made my understanding of your decision so clear.  You are an amazing young man, I hope you find everything you are looking for, We all deserve that!  You and your significant other will always be welcome in our home and at our family gatherings. I always enjoy seeing you.  I don't think anyone can break the strong bond of love that we have for one another in this family of ours!"

"My family were with me when I read your letter & watched your video & it made my girls want to get to know you even more so you will be receiving friend requests on face book from them soon."

"I have loved you since the day you were born and will always love you. If I know my kids they will be the same. I felt nothing but love when i read your letter. It breaks my heart to hear you had such a hard time in August. Come see us soon, you are always welcome. The saddest thing is that you won't get to experience some things, but you'll have other experiences that bring you joy and we will share them with you. If anyone doesn't feel the way I do their name will be crossed off the dinner guest list before your name will." (from my Grandma... typed after a phone call)

Friends

"As an active married, LDS Christian, straight, business man you are welcome in my home, next to me in church and hopefully on work projects in the future."

"I know it took a lot to write this email, and I want you to know that it doesn't change my views on you as my friend. And as my friend, just know that I will continue to pray for you and love you."

"I'm sure you might get responses to this email that are both good and bad. Please don't let the bad affect you. Heavenly Father loves all his children equally, and that's all that matters. What better friend can you have than Him?"

"My beliefs about homosexuality are found in my testimony of the family proclamation, but I hope you know that is not a judgment to you or any other person. Heaven knows we don't have all the answers and I'm certainly in no position to pass any kind of judgment. I guess I'm trying to say that I hope you don't feel any sense of rejection or that my feelings of friendship have changed in any way and I would hope no one would!! Anyways you're amazing and I for sure
want to hang out/ kick it on the dance floor soon!!"

"First and foremost I don't care what you believe in or what your sexuality is you will always be a friend of mine."

"I think you know that we are bound to have some fundamental differences in beliefs on this issue, but know that that doesn't make me love you any less as a friend. I can promise you that. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when you were having such a hard time. I know that you're a good person. You have been for as long as I have known you. I sincerely hope that this gives you the peace you have been looking for."

"I have so many friends in the gay community and the importance of support and speaking openly about these issues to teach and learn is so very important, and so very life saving."

"So, I just read your email. I was honestly surprised. When are you free? I would love to see you, and not just because of this news, but because I haven't seen you in a long while. Let me know when we can get together."

"As I finished reading the email my heart went out to you and I will not judge you. I know tons of members and other people outside of the church will I guess you can say give you a hard time but who are they to judge. It's your life and you choose how to live it. I love you as a friend and always will."

"Jonathan, you are so totally going to hell. Just kidding man. That took a lot of guts, and I applaud your honesty with yourself and with us."

"I have been very confused by this whole "issue" for lack of a better word.  It has been bothering me for quite some time - because I believe that God loves all of his children with such a pure deep love that turning our backs on "the minority", as you put it, leaving them to fend for themselves, telling them that they just need to choose to be good felt inherently wrong.  Your letter was like a warm cushy hug from heaven.  I literally felt God's love and reassurance in it, because God does love all of his children.  He doesn't pick and choose - He loves all of us with that same warm love."

------------------------

So as you can see... the most negative reaction I've received is simply that another person disagrees with me. But everyone has made sure that I know they love me and that nothing changes that love and friendship. Also, it has generally brought me closer to others. People are interested in catching up or getting to know me better because of my honesty. I have really been very fortunate as I have come out and told people that I am gay.

PE: My best friend is a straight girl

Growing up, I have always had close girl friends. For some reason, the result of repressing my sexuality made it so I was intimidated and uncomfortable around guys. But I always found myself running into the same problem over and over. Eventually, one of these female friends would fall for me. This is a common thing that seems to happen when your closest friends are straight girls.

I can talk about anything with this friend of mine. She knows my secrets. She knows my feelings and thoughts about everything. She's been there during my hard times and I've been there for hers. We've built a close relationship of trust. Anyone starting to see the problem here?

I feel like there are two parts of a relationship. One aspect is the part you control, and the other is completely out of your control. The part you control is that relationship of trust and commitment. The friendship part. It takes work and time. It must be built from the ground up. This goes for any relationship.

The other part is natural. It is inside you. It is the part that gets emotional, physical, and even spiritual fulfillment in being with the person. It is that part of you that longs to be held or to hold the person. The part of you that is completely put at ease when you are in the other one's arms. That part, you can't control... it just is.

Well... you can begin to imagine the hell it would be for this girl, who has built a friendship based on trust and love... the hard part, but who naturally longs to be held and comforted and loved physically by a man. She knows and understands and loves that I am gay. But that can't change her natural feelings. The result is a never-ending broken heart. This crushes me.

You know how it is kind of unacceptable for a married man to have single female friends or a married woman to have single male friends? The problem is if you have a friendship based on trust and love, the natural instincts of the soul desire more. Even if the married person is completely committed to his/her spouse, the single person will always hurt because he/she can't be with the person they love.

In this situation... it is as if I were the married man who had a single female friend who was very close and dear to me. I am unavailable to her... yet I am the one in her life that could complete her. At the same time, though... I am single. I am not dating anyone at the moment. So we can spend time together all we want. It is so frustrating. It is the one reason I would ever wish I was straight. The reason being that if I were straight, I could make her happy. I could give her all that she wants. And I love this girl. She is a dear dear friend and I am so blessed to have her in my life. I see why some gay men marry women. They feel that they can make this other person that they love happy, even if they can't find fulfillment in it.

At the same time... because she knows that I do not get the same fulfillment that she does when we are physically close, she pulls away... she feels unequal. She gets upset that she can't give to me what I can give to her. The reasons I have for wanting to be close to her is because I know it brings her comfort... it makes her feel safe. Knowing that I am helping her feel that way is my motivation. But when I need comfort, when I need to feel safe, I can only get that from the physical closeness to another guy. It causes her so much pain and because it causes her pain, it causes me pain. Perhaps you can begin to see why I would never marry a woman. It is for this very reason. How could I ask someone I love to live their life with a broken heart, or expect myself to live a life without ever filling my own heart? It wouldn't be fair to either of us.

With another gay man, we can both fulfill eachother's needs. We can build a relationship of love, trust and commitment. That is the part we all work to make happen. But then we can also both receive the natural fulfillment that comes from being close physically. Feeling safe and loved in eachother's arms. There is some sort of healing that happens there. Even if you are upset at the other person, a sincere embrace makes all the bad go away and it is replaced by feelings of love. Gay people need that healing just as much as anyone.

PE: Learning to Love

Today I realized just how much I've changed in just a short time.

"Love thy neighbor as thyself."

When thinking of that phrase, we often forget the "as thyself" part. Before coming to terms with being gay and learning to accept and love myself, I didn't express love very easily. In fact, I'm not sure how much I felt it. Saying "I love you" was pretty much reserved for my immediate family. But at the time, I hated myself. I didn't love myself, so how could I love others like myself?

That has changed now. And the way I feel about people... it really is love, and I know it. I feel it. It is different from the way I felt towards people before. It isn't conditional. I guess it is charity. I think I've just learned a little more about what it means to have charity.

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away."

I would have never thought that to have charity, you must first learn to love yourself. Love yourself with all of your flaws, your imperfections, and your mistakes. In the end charity is the only thing that can be counted on. Just like the scripture says... eventually your knowledge will fail you and God will surprise you. Sometimes prophets, although inspired, err in their prophecies. But real charity never fails. Not even when it turns out your son or your brother or your friend is gay.

Today I can say I love you comfortably to friends and even sometimes strangers, and I am being completely sincere. Just five months ago I would be uncomfortable saying those words except to a handful of people. I love you.

PE: Blood thicker than water

Last night I went to a family dinner with extended family living in the area. If you recall, I just came out to my extended family with a newsletter I sent. It is always scary to face people after they know. You wonder if they are going to look at you different or treat you different. You wonder if they will simply avoid the "elephant in the room" sorta speak and pretend nothing new is known, or if they will ask questions. You wonder if they feel like they are walking on eggshells, suddenly very aware of what they say as to not offend you. A little awkwardness is unavoidable.

I have an amazing family, through and through. All the responses and replies, phone calls, and facebook messages have been full of love and support and free of judgment. Something that has happened as a result of my coming out to family kind of threw me off guard. It happened when I told my immediate family, and it seems to be happening with my extended family as well. Coming out and sharing this part of me seems to result in more openness and togetherness. It has caused my family to grow closer. I'm not exactly sure why... perhaps it is only my family's relationship with me that grows closer.

After sending out my newsletter I had cousins adding me on facebook, family members just telling me they love me, uncles and aunts telling me how proud they are of me, everyone making sure I knew I could always talk to them if I ever needed an ear... the list goes on. I also am able to hear the testimonies of family members and know their unconditional love for family. It is almost as if letting them into this very personal aspect of my life is rewarded with a deeper personal relationship. I think perhaps it is because it is refreshing when a person shows you they are vulnerable.

We are so used to putting on our game face. So used to acting on our stage. But when someone takes off their mask and reveals that they are not exactly as they seem, all of a sudden others start to want to take their masks off. The act is hard to keep up. How are we to bare one another's burdens and mourn with those that mourn if we never let anyone see that we hurt? When we stop pretending "all is well" and realize that we are all a little broken and hurt, that is when we can rise together in love and support.

I am so grateful to have a family who really does love unconditionally. You really can't say that your love is unconditional until it is tested. Many of my friends have learned that their family's talk of unconditional love was only talk. As soon as family knew they were gay, they were treated different... as if they were dangerous. Dangerous to what? Their reputation? Their dream of what a perfect life looks like? It makes me so sad that the majority of Mormon families that I know of react this way.

I know that some of my family doesn't agree with my choice to live as a gay individual. I know that some of them view this as a trial that should be overcome. But guess what?? They respect me and my life and my choices. They love me because I am family. They welcome me into their homes and support me. They do not judge me or take it upon themselves to tell me I am wrong or weak or evil, even if that's what they believe about homosexuality. Instead they have reached out to me to make sure that, above all else, that I know they love me and want me to continue to be a part of their lives.

PE: OMG- I just came out to my future boss

Some of you know that I am interviewing for a job I can work as I start getting my film stuff going. Well, I had an interview for a management position at a certain place with the district manager. We talked for probably and hour and a half at least. It was insane. It went really well, and I am pretty sure I have the job (once I clear my background check).

Well, over the course of the interview, there is a part where she asks some questions. One of the questions was something along the lines of "what was a time when you've had to make a difficult decision?" Well, I knew there were lots of examples of that in my life, but I couldn't look past the big one staring me in the face. Coming to terms with my sexuality was FULL of big, difficult decisions. After trying hard for a few moments to think of something else to talk about, I just gave into my thoughts and said, "okay, this is really personal, but I will share it with you..."

So then I tell her I am gay and how I just came to terms with that recently and what kind of difficult decisions were involved. I was so relieved when she said she had a best friend who was gay and then she started asking me about the church and their stance on the issue. She grew up Mormon, but went inactive. She tried to come back to church with her boyfriend of 10 years and with her kids, but people in the ward kept pressuring them to get married. She felt like the people were ashamed to have an unmarried couple with children coming to church. But she and her boyfriend were determined to return to church. Eventually it was too much for them though. They didn't like the pressure they were getting and the vibe that people were uncomfortable with them.

So yeah- in my interview, we talked about things you should NEVER talk about in an interview, sexuality and religion. haha. But, I just kind of followed my gut and felt like it would be okay to talk about that with her. That is the vibe I got, so I went with it. I find out if I passed my background check Wednesday... I'll let you all know ;)

PE: Afraid of touch

I have read a few blogs where gay Mormons have talked of this fear of being touched. I used to be the same way. It makes me wonder what is going on in our minds as we try to suppress our sexuality. What is it that causes us to fear touch or closeness? Friends could tell you that I used to flinch when I was touched. It was that bad. I hated hugging or being close to people.

Since coming out and finally coming to terms with my sexuality, however, it is amazing how much I crave it. I am no longer afraid of touch. I love hugging. I love just holding onto a friend's arm or even holding hands (in a purely platonic way). It feels so good to finally be able to let people in. To touch and be touched. Little things like this that I used to overlook make me realize the extent of the damage caused my suppression and self-denial. I finally feel free to express love... whether it is romantic or not. It is a wonderful thing.

PE: Coming out to extended family

So tonight I am sending out a newsletter via email to aunts and uncles on both sides of my family... there are 12 total, but I don't have everyone's email. It doesn't matter how many times I've told someone about my being gay, it is always scary. There is no way of knowing how people will react or how it will affect your relationship with them. It may be the last I hear from some of them. I may never be invited over again. I don't know. It could spark debate within my extended family... arguments even.

Can you understand why so many choose to never tell their family? The church talks about homosexuality as if it is the cause of the destruction of the family, but that frankly isn't the case. The only reason why this issue divides families if because members feel like they have to choose between the church or their loved one. If you took the church's stance out of the equation, there would be a lot less families divided over the issue.

The only reason I have waited until now to tell them is the fear of how they might react. I had to wait until I graduated just in case they decided to take matters into their own hands. I know lots of gay members who, after telling family, were reported to their bishops and kicked out of BYU. Of course their family member thought they were doing what was best for them, but that just drives me crazy. Well, now that I am officially graduated, that isn't a concern. Plus, I plan on talking to a bishop in the next couple months anyway. I am not seeking to live a double life at all. I will be straight-forward and honest with everyone.

PE: Gay Friendly FHE

For those of you who don't know what FHE is... it stands for "Family Home Evening." In the church, families are encouraged to meet together on Monday nights and have a lesson, activity, or other type of family togetherness. When you are away at college, wards form "families" of students where they can carry on this tradition.

Well, I have an awesome family of friends. We weren't assigned to be together and we live in different cities, but we all enjoy our family nights together where we teach and learn form the scriptures as well as enjoy the company. There are over 10 members. There are a few more guys than girls. At one time we had two "dads." The guys are mostly gay... a couple of them are bi. We've served missions, some of us attended BYU. Some of us have boyfriends. The girls are our friends. They are straight, but are just awesome.

So the reason I am talking about this is because it is so awesome to be involved in spiritual discussions in an environment where we can all be open and honest and comfortable. We can talk about how the gospel really relates to our lives. We choose to do this. But wouldn't it be great if places like this were encouraged and even set up by the church? Instead they would have us break all ties to one another.

I love hearing the testimonies and insights and experiences of my "family members." They are spiritually strengthening and serve as a reminder of why I believe. The gospel is still every bit as applicable to the gay individual, if only the church saw fit to administer it to us.

PE: Acting Straight

It is impossible to detail all the daily struggles a Gay Mormon experiences when trying to repress their sexuality. If I were really to write a detailed description of my lifelong struggle to scrape the gay out of me, it would fill volumes... and I've already written a 9-part "My Story" series. But sometimes I feel like if we could really explain these daily struggles, maybe it would help people realize what kind of life a repressed gay person lives. For those of us who know first hand, it is second nature... we don't even realize that it isn't normal. So I will attempt to describe a couple examples.

I remember talking to a friend about another mutual friend who had mannerisms that were "gayish." This friend said, "kind of like you." I demanded right then and there to know what I did that seemed gay. Apparently the way I stood and the way I used my hands to talk were a bit "gay." Well, this was before I had accepted that indeed, I was gay. So I immediately determined to re-teach myself to talk and stand in a more "straight" way. Not using my hands was impossible, so for the next few weeks, I just worked on talking less. I would just sit back and listen and only talk in a bored, disinterested manner when I did. It was so hard. I'd watch how guy friends sat and stood and walked to try and mimic them better. I wanted to rid myself of any trace of gayness. Basically I wanted to become someone different.

Growing up I never allowed myself to really express my love for things that were "girly" or "gay." I would take straight guys' lead. If they said something was gay, then I definitely didn't like it. But in all honesty, I loved it. I loved Spice Girls and Brittney Spears. I enjoyed reading about Edward in twilight. But I could never allow myself to express my real likes. The only way I got away with reading Twilight was because I read all the books out loud to a dyslexic friend of mine who wanted to read them but couldn't. So that way, it was just because I was such a nice guy, a good friend. I was probably more interested in reading the next chapter than she was. I'm pretty sure she would have been happy no matter what I was reading. But I could never admit that I was actually into the books.

Then after all my hard work... after trying so hard to make myself as straight as I could, every once and awhile, friends would still ask, "are you gay?" Seriously... can anyone cut a guy a break??!! I was trying SO hard and somehow everyone saw right through it. Eventually that is the question that finally broke me. A person can only react defensively so many times. Eventually I had to consider it for real... as much as I wanted to deny it.

Well, let me just say, it is such a relief to be gay and be okay with that. I can like gay things all I want. What is the worst someone could think? "He must be gay?" SO what? I AM! I can blast Brittney Spears in my car, I can say when I think a guy is hot (like that guy on Burlesque/Twilight OMG), I can buy all the chick-flick DVDs I want, I can decorate my room, dress with style, get highlights, watch Glee every week... the list goes on and on. It isn't that I didn't like these things before. I've always liked them. I just could never allow myself to appear as if I liked them. So I got really good at lying to myself. It is so refreshing to be honest with myself... even before the great feeling of being honest with others. I can finally let myself enjoy life and be unashamed about it.

PE: If I could freeze time

I have officially graduated from BYU. It is such a great feeling. I am so glad to be out of there. Don't get me wrong, I had some really great classes and met some really amazing people and I value the things I did learn there. But for some reason I feel like the chains have been broken. I'm no longer stuck. I am free to progress in every way. As great as that feeling is, today I was thinking back on the last year. I asked myself, "self, if you could freeze one moment in time from last year to take out and live again and again, what would it be?"

The answer actually came really easily. Last year was crazy for me. It was full of the lowest lows and highest highs. As many of you know, I came to terms with my sexuality in July/August. So basically before mid August, the year was very painful. Self-hate, confusion, disillusionment, suicidal thoughts and plans... it really was a miracle that I survived it. But soon after I told my family in August, I was finally at peace. My family's positive reaction was helpful of course (amazingly helpful), but that peace was really rooted in my own view of self. I had finally stopped hating myself. And that changed the way I saw the world.

Now, that was a process. One that has probably been going on for years and came to a climax last summer, so what was the one moment I would choose to freeze? Well, soon after I returned home from visiting my family for the first time after telling them, I met Brig. My first and only boyfriend. After the first date we were practically inseparable for the 3 weeks we had before he had to move back to California for school. Those three weeks were full of new and wonderful feelings that I had only heard about in love stories, but never got to experience. But the moment I would choose wasn't in those three weeks.

We did the long-distance relationship thing. Luckily, we got to see each other every 2-3 weeks until now. The first period of time we spent apart was the longest. Some friends of mine and I drove down to a popular beach city that was fairly close to his school to go camping on the beach. We were going to celebrate his birthday which was just a few days prior to our visit. He drove down from school to meet us at the campsite. When he called I drove out to meet him. And here comes the moment I choose from last year...

Seeing him get out of the car and then embracing for the first time in weeks sent feelings through me that surprised me. I was not expecting to feel that way. I was so happy... as if light had filled my body. A smile could never do that feeling justice. I remember not wanting to let go. I wanted that moment to last forever. Just standing in the street hugging. It seems like such a simple thing... but it felt like a miracle. Was I really feeling this? Love? Me?

My friends were waiting and dinner was done, so we had to go. But after dinner Brig and I took a walk on the beach and continued that moment. We just stood holding each other for, I don't know how long. We both wanted that to last forever... it was like everything was right in the universe. But that walk on the beach was really meant as a distraction so that my friends could put together his birthday surprise, so I had to convince him that we needed to go back.

I mentioned in a previous post that we decided to take a break just before New Years. It was something I decided. All these feelings are so new and I don't know exactly what to do with them or what they mean. Was that amazing feeling because I was finally allowing myself to love a boy or was it because that boy was Brig? Am I unsure about it because there is a faint ghost of that person so used to denying myself these feelings hanging around me still? Not allowing me to fully embrace them? I don't know. I hope that I can figure it all out. I want to do the right thing. Now that I know happiness is out there for me, I don't want to screw it up.

PE: Lehi's Dream and Me

After surviving the internal battle I had been fighting inside myself for so long, I experienced feelings very similar to the language in Lehi's dream found in the Book of Mormon. Let me explain:

In this vision, Lehi found himself in a "dark and dreary waste," in which he "traveled for the space of many hours in darkness." In the distance, he saw a tree "whose fruit was desirable to make one happy." It was a struggle to get to that tree. He had to navigate through mists of darkness, the taunting and ridicule of others. Many did not make it. But Lehi did.

The life of a Gay Mormon who is trying to figure out how to reconcile two seemingly opposing parts of themselves is nothing short of a dark and dreary wasteland. Happiness often seems like a dream meant for anyone but themselves. Many spend hours pleading with God to grant them a solution so they can be happy. They spend their lives in fear of all the people who would mock them and reject them. Unlike Lehi, however, there is no happiness offered to gay members of the church. There are no happy options. The only answer is celibacy... to be alone for life. There is no tree with fruit that makes one happy presented to this class of people.

Well, I promise that even though it isn't presented to you, it exists. The mists of darkness are just too thick right now to see it. I know it exists because I found it! I found happiness as a Gay Mormon! Now listen to what Lehi did when he partook of this magical happy-fruit:

The first thing he desired after realizing how much joy it brought him was that his "family should partake of it also," because it was the most desirable fruit in existence. So he looked for them and "beckoned unto them."

The first thing he wanted to do was share it with the people he loved. And guess what? That is EXACTLY how I felt after finding happiness for myself. I immediately began looking into ways I could reach out to the countless people out there who are waging a war on themselves. A war that doesn't need to be fought. In the beginning it was almost unbearable for me to imagine how many people there were out there like me going through the hell that I had been through. I know what kind of pain that is. I know how close to death it can bring a person. And I also know that there is a tree with fruit full of happiness out there that is waiting for those people to find.

PE: Confessions of the Heart

The last few days have been a bit rough for me. My boyfriend and I have decided to take a break. Well, I decided it would be best for me and so he had no choice. It sounds so selfish. Relationships are weird that way. They should be selfless, yet you need to pay close attention to yourself. I mean, you have the relationship to think about (which involves two people)... but also how you personally fit into that relationship.

Anyway, I decided to do what I thought was best, not what was easiest. I felt that I needed this... despite the hardship and heartache that would accompany it. He was my first boyfriend. I won't get into the details. The point is, the last few days have been hard.

So on my drive home tonight from FHE (family home evening... something I'll need to blog about soon), I was just thinking about my situation, my thoughts, my feelings, and then a thought occurred to me that made me so happy! I thought, "You are so lucky to be feeling this right now." It sounds insane, I know. But my whole life, I have always fought against the thing I wanted most. Another guy to love and be loved by. The thing I wanted so bad, was the thing I could never have. I lived a life trying to force myself to want what everyone said I should want while living with the reality that I couldn't have what I really wanted in life. I couldn't even allow myself to dream about having a guy one day.

This sounds so ridiculous, but knowing that I can hope for and look forward to the day when I can come home to the man I love is like a piece of heaven! Nothing is stopping me anymore from obtaining that dream, or from dreaming that dream. I can finally allow myself to love and be loved they way that I have wanted all along! Unfortunately heartbreak comes with giving your heart away... but I am so grateful that I now have the ability and freedom to give it away.

It is so weird to finally be feeling all those emotions that I heard about on movies and in songs and from friends about love and heartache. I've never felt it. I never had a real crush, a first kiss that electrified me, a broken heart, the yearning to be close to someone, the feeling that you never want the day to end... or the fear of sleeping because you don't want to miss a moment next to the person you love. I never felt those emotions until 4 months ago. I never understood why people would hold hands or kiss. None of the feelings accompanied those actions when I tried them with girls. It is just so liberating to finally allow myself to feel that whole range of emotion that I have missed out on for so long. And now, to think that I had been so thoroughly convinced that it was wrong for me to feel them is so maddening! But I my eyes have been opened, and it is nothing short of a miracle. It is just a different miracle than I thought God would send my way. It wasn't the miracle I had been praying for and fasting for and hoping for for years and years of my life to be made a "normal" heterosexual. It was the miracle that helped me finally see that there was nothing wrong with me and that I could love myself and be loved.