16 April 2011

PE: Sex

Did that get your attention? It is interesting how much attention that short little three letter word gets. Why? Why are we so obsessed about it? Why are we so afraid of it? Why do so many choose it over friends, family, careers, etc. It is sort of fascinating. I'm not sure I know all the answers to these questions. I'm not sure the answers matter. But I feel I can come to one solid conclusion based on all the buzz that surrounds this three letter word. For some reason, it is important to human beings. It may be important to different people for different reasons. But in the end, it is something that matters. It is something human beings value.

I categorized this post under "personal experiences." As many of you may know, I'm a virgin. That isn't to say that I haven't had sexual experiences and it also isn't to say that your definition of virgin is my definition. I know very well that family and friends read this, but I really don't care to sensor my writing. I have been done with the facade idea for quite some time. I don't need a facade. I am real. Flesh and blood. Imperfect. Human. And I don't pretend to be anything other than what I am.

Sex isn't really something I go crazy over. When I first came to terms with being gay, so many people told me that I'd be going through a "slut phase." Apparently it is common for guys to just go wild after accepting they are gay. I understand why that could happen. They've spent so much of their life suppressing their feelings instead of dealing with them in healthy ways. The religious may believe that they are going to hell and they might as well enjoy the trip there. There is no direction for them. The easiest gay "scene" to find is the party scene. It is the loudest and the most stereotypical. Imagine not knowing a single gay person. Now that you have come to terms with being gay yourself and you are ready to meet other gay people, who are you most likely to recognize? The flamboyant, "I'm here and I'm queer," loud and in-your-face gay or the successful, educated, career-minded and family-oriented gay? Which one is most-likely going to be at parties and clubs? The first of course. And so, when you are dealing with that alone as a kid, yeah... it is easy to find that lifestyle all the while oblivious to any other gay way of life.

Anyway, I never went through that. Maybe because I was so old when I was coming to terms with my sexuality or maybe it was because I was on anti-depressants that killed my sex drive haha. Don't get me wrong, the body wants it. It feels great. But so do drugs (so I hear). I am not saying sex is bad or destructive like drugs, but it sure can be. It gets back to this whole "sex being important" business. For some reason it is tied to our brain in ways that are important. And when you start messing with the brain, you better know what you are doing.

I get pretty tired of going on dates with guys who obviously just want to get down to business. Sadly, that's all many of them know. I took a guy on a date sort of recently and he thanked me. He said he had never been taken on a date. It has always been a guy inviting him over, messing around, and calling it a night. That is so sad. I told him that he deserved to be treated with respect. To be taken out for dinner. To have someone interested in who he was and what he enjoyed and what he dreams of. We all deserve that.

I said that sex isn't something I go crazy over. That isn't entirely true. I just don't go crazy over meaningless sex. Sex is something that I gain an appetite for when the person lying next to me is going to be there when I wake up. He is going to eat breakfast with me and watch my favorite movies with me. He is going to take care of me when I am sick and get frustrated with little bad habits I have that a person could only know after knowing me long enough to notice them. He is going to try and cheer me up after a difficult day. He is going to worry when I am driving in bad weather late at night and miss me when I am gone for awhile. That's when it is worth it. That is when that "drug" that is sex is prescribed by a reputable doctor. That is when all the things that make sex important are satisfied.

I can't get married to another guy at the moment. Who knows if I ever will legally be able to marry. I feel like the reason marriage is so important to me and other gay people is that marriage means all those things I wrote about above. Both people are entering into an agreement that the state, the family, the friends, and the world recognizes as a relationship where both people will care for each other in sickness and in health. That they are willing to love each other their whole lives and make that commitment before the eyes of loved ones and God. But that is still what I look for. I am looking for the person that is equally committed to loving me as I am to him. And when I feel I have found that person, sex is the cherry on top ;-)


Liz said...

Twenty-three years filled to overflowing, with happiness, friendship, love, oh and sex, lol. I love you Jonny, and I hope you find what Lance and I have found in each other. You will, if you believe and have patience, it sounds like you already do. It is like Christmas everyday. " Sigh of contentment"... :D

El Genio said...

I think you're right on the money with this post. Of course, it's a long journey - but that's what makes the rewards so much more worth it.

Anonymous said...

Jonathan, this is beautifully written. You have so much figured out at such a young age. I love your ability to distill experiences down to their essence. I think your next-to-last paragraph holds the key: sex is an expression of love. I just ache when I reflect on this post because I wish I could find someone like you. My bearings match yours closely. Where I live, sex without love is the norm. And more and more it seems that almost nobody is even pretending to be interested in a relationship. When I was your age, we said that gay men acted like a kid in a candy store when they first came out. I never went through a candy store phase, but it took me years to figure out why: I don't enjoy sex unless I feel an emotional bond with the other person.

Hinton said...

You are a great guy. It is good decision to not become a "slut". Nor to indulge in over the edge campy behavior (I assume I'm using the correct term). Until you find the right person - and you seem to be the type of person who would make a wrong type into Mr Right - just keep taking care of urges with cold showers, and your hand.

Post a Comment