18 June 2014

Back From the Dead

Almost two years since my last blog entry. Its interesting how time seems to fade away at a faster and faster pace the older we get. It proves that time is so relative and sheds light on just how short our time on this planet is in the grand scheme of things. I mean, we live in a universe that is almost 14 billion years old on a planet that is 4.5 billion years old. What's 100 years?

After stepping away from Mormonism and feeling like I had handed in all interest in the subject with my resignation, I took some time to process my rage. Leaving the Church is what allowed me to start processing my grief. According to the Kubler-Ross Model of the stages of grief, there are 5 distinct parts. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I can see myself in these stages both in accepting myself as a gay man and in accepting the reality of my relationship with Mormonism and of my place in it. I'd like to think that I have overcome much of the anger and resentment I felt concerning the Church and what it did to me and my self-worth. I don't know if I will ever be fully mended. I feel hopeful that the wounds will heal, but I have found that some of those wounds cut pretty deep. Regardless, the scars will always appear on my soul.

The truth is, resigning didn't magically sever all my connections and interest in Mormonism. But it gave me a new perspective- one that only a person who was once so embedded inside could have when viewing it from the outside. I have found myself still invested in the Church and what it does. I follow the "bloggernacle" news. I participate in the forums for Mormon progressives like Mormon Stories.

One might ask, and in fact many have, "why do you even care anymore?" It is a valid question and I have an answer, but that will need to wait for another day. For now, let it suffice to say that, no, it isn't because deep down I really know it is true. I hold to my agnostic approach to all things mysterious and I feel quite comfortable with the phrase, "I don't know."

My continued courtship with Mormonism has been one of cautious skepticism. I try to rely on facts- things I know to be true- as I navigate the waters that were once my home. As I have done this, it has become somewhat of a hobby. It is fascinating to study the events that led to my experience in the church as a gay youth and young man. I have found that I still have much to say. Whether or not people find what I have to say interesting or useful (or whether or not they find these words at all) is not important. I thought for a long time that it would be deceiving to blog under a title that suggests I am LDS. But I have resolved to be perfectly clear and upfront about my relationship with the church while also conveying the message that you can take this boy out of Mormonism, but you can't take Mormonism out of this boy. 

And so, I begin a new chapter of "In These Gay Mormon Shoes."


Armando Bravo said...

I welcome your new activity in the blog. The former blogs were to me a wonderful window to your humanity. I appreciated your honesty and your struggles. Thanks for sharing.

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