It has been over two months since I met Sean. It has been really wonderful. I was so full of doubts about the relationship before it really began. I had a whole list of reasons why it wouldn't work. But it has worked. I thought it would be nice if I shared some things about him and my relationship. Its been awhile since I've talked about really personal things.
Funny thing... he actually found me online. Through this very blog. He just wanted to meet people and make some friends because he had just come out and knew no one. So I invited him to game night with some of my friends.
We can talk for hours. One thing we've done quite a bit is go to the Broadway theater to see indie films. Awesome. His family is amazing. I practically lived at his house while I was in the process of moving to Salt Lake and his parents are some of the best people I know. We've had countless dinners with his family. We've gone back-country hiking with his parents in Zion National Park. He is so selfless and never ceases to complement me and encourage me. He isn't Mormon, but his whole extended family is and he grew up here and wanted to be Mormon growing up, so he knows enough about it to understand on a pretty deep level things that I have dealt with. His mom's cousin was Stewart Matis.
It is interesting that even in such a open, non-religious, pro-gay rights household, he grew up to become a self-hating Christian. Suicide was definitely something he contemplated before coming out. We share a lot of similar experiences in coming to terms with our sexuality.
He's in Australia and will be until the middle of November for a study abroad. I miss him fiercely. I went with his parents to see him off. We went up to the security check-point together to say goodbye. It had been a rough couple days for Sean and saying goodbye was pretty emotional for him. If we lived in a better world, our goodbye kiss would have been more substantial, but we settled for a quick kiss as to not cause a scene at the SLC airport. I regret not feeling like we could embrace that moment. We sacrificed it for the comfort of others.
It sounds dramatic to say that we live in fear... but the fact is, we do. Anytime we are in public, their is this ball of fear inside that prevents us from being ourselves completely. We know that if we are going to hold hands, we are likely going to receive some kind of punishment from society. It could be something as small as staring and pointing or something as huge as verbal and even physical abuse. We are both willing to take on a little risk. It is worth it. But we still hold back plenty.
It seems crazy now to think that I would ever consider a life of loneliness. That I would sacrifice a loving, supportive relationship because a religion cites 7 passages of scripture and says it means God hates fags. Sean is an amazing support to me. He loves me and I love him. We care deeply for each others well being. We feel whole together. Together, all the bad things in life fall to the wayside. Being in a loving relationship makes me look forward with eagerness for the day I marry the man I choose to spend the rest of my life with. To build a life with. How dare anyone cite God for the reason they try to prevent me from achieving that level of happiness.