26 January 2011

THT: Sometimes I'm embarrassed by my blog

It's true. I feel like this is almost unavoidable if you are being true and honest. I think it is true for any art really. I suppose writing these posts is kind of an art. The thing with art is that it makes the artist vulnerable. He/she is allowing the world to look inside at a snapshot of something personal. And just like an actor might blush when one of the first films of his career are brought up in conversation or a photographer might laugh when she remembers the photos she used to be so proud of, I sometimes cringe when I think of some of the things I have written here and thoughts I have shared.

These posts really are like snapshots. They reflect my feelings and thoughts of that moment. They are a product of my experiences and circumstances leading me to that point in life. I try and resist the urge to go back and re-write history. I remind myself that it is okay to be completely authentic. Now that family and friends have the address to this blog it is a little bit unnerving. The anonymity helped me be pretty straight forward and transparent in my description of my life until this point. Its got the good and the bad secrets.

One thing I try and keep in mind is that all the secrets will be revealed and shouted upon the housetops eventually... so I suppose I shouldn't feel too ashamed if it is inevitable. Don't get me wrong... I don't get on here and divulge every detail of my personal life, but I share what I feel is pertinent and important in helping people understand where my crazy thoughts and ideas come from. In the end I can't fear the judgment of men- only the judgment of God.

So as you continue to read, remember that I am imperfect and have very little knowledge or experience and many of the things I think and feel today may very well contradict the things I think and feel tomorrow. I can already tell you that my feelings toward religion, God, and especially the church have changed drastically over the last 4 months. The initial anger, bitterness, and feelings of betrayal have been mended with understanding, love, and hope.

As always, I invite you into my life... even into some of the most personal and quiet parts that we hardly ever get to step foot in when it comes to the minds and lives of our fellow humans. I do it in the hope that my openness and honesty will somehow be of some benefit to someone. But it also forces me to visit those quiet and personal places in my mind and heart and really take the time to contemplate and review. Please do not find offense here. There is always a good chance I've said or done something wrong. But I will always strive to make correction where I find correction is needed.


jen said...

I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. As members of my family have started reading my blog, I want to change it. Make it light and fluffy. And happy. And not me...

I LIKE what you write. I actually was thinking about you today and thinking I missed reading what you write.

I am one person that likes your art, so thank you for sharing it!

BLB said...

By my experience, the more shared, the more read, and the more read, the more learned. Worry not.

Joned Rahadian said...

Dear Jonathan,

I admire ur courage to be open and share ur feelings and thoughts. Many people have had bad experience due to being open (including me. Haha...). However, I hope everything turns out okay for u even though u are now out of the closet.

Btw, this is a good blog. Keep writing.

Joned ^_^

Ike said...

I feel ya friend. Just yesterday I took a post off my blog that had only been up for 6 hours. Why? Because I was nervous of the reaction I'd get and I didn't want to put myself out there like that. But my friend reminded me that a blog is for thought regurgitation, and that is why people read them. As for me, a blog is one of the few places I can be completely honest. You have nothing to fear, I enjoy your blog because it is exactly that, honest.

Jonathan Adamson said...

@jen- yeah, it is definitely hard to resist that urge.

@BLB- very true... sharing is caring!

@Joned Rahadian- Thank you! I'm sorry that you had a bad experience. I hope that the instances of bad experiences associated with "coming out" begin to diminish.

@Ike- In the end I think the honesty is key. I definitely like to cut through the fluff and get down to what matters. Life is too short.

Boris said...

Fear not, you are a beautiful person who is honest, transparent, and lays it all out for the world to see. Wish I could have done the same 30+ years ago--not to say I would not have rejected Mormon "prophets" and doctrine then or now (BS is BS, however mystical or inspirational)--but I would have been upfront in my rejection of the crap being preached by the likes of homophobes like Boyd Packer and then BYU President Dallin Oaks. Were I to have but one wish, it would be that YOUR optimism re the basic humanity of Mormon Church leaders will someday prove to be justified. Sadly, I doubt that will ever happen.

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