I should probably clarify my "Choices for a Gay Mormon" post. I was talking about not feeling right about "test driving" a marriage relationship with a girl. I did not mean to say that we don't all "test drive" or try to make relationships work, whether gay or straight. What I meant was, I don't feel that, sexuality is something that should need to be test driven. Nevertheless, most of the gay population do test it. I did. I tried to date girls. I tried to make that work. But it didn't. So why should I believe that testing a marriage with a girl would be a good idea? Do heterosexuals feel the need to test their sexuality? Are they just not sure if they are going to like being with a girl before they actually start dating, etc? No. So why do we? Why do gays struggle so much with their sexuality?
I'd like to propose a possible answer and then offer a way for you to test it. I believe the answer is that we struggle, not because we are unsure, but because of the pressures of society. The pressures of religion and tradition that heterosexual relationships are the only valid ones. Maybe you agree, maybe you don't. But if you are struggling consider this:
Pretend we lived in another time... another world. In this world the issue of sexuality was not a moral question. It wasn't uncomfortable for anyone. Society has not established one relationship over another, religion hasn't tagged salvation to one relationship and damnation to another. There is no stigma. Family and friends wouldn't be at all offended or surprised by you having a same-sex partner. It didn't turn heads in public. People never reacted with disgust. You were completely free and comfortable choosing any partner no matter what the gender. In this world- would you seek a relationship with a guy or girl?
Perhaps that doesn't help you. But for me it eliminates one thing: The idea that I am unsure of my sexuality. If there is no confusion, I would argue that it isn't necessary and can even be dangerous to "test" your sexuality. If you still find yourself confused and unsure of which gender you would pursue, then perhaps you are bisexual and you may want to weigh the option of a heterosexual relationship more heavily since it is a possibility for you and it would make life a lot easier to live in today's social and religious environment.
Looking at it this way, we can see that the pressures that lead to confusion are not internal, but external. These external pressures are causing internal hell. When have we ever taught that we should let external pressure compromise who we are and what we feel? Do we consider the possibility that perhaps there isn't something wrong with us? That perhaps the wrong lies in the "traditions of our fathers" and in the prejudices and biases of society?
It was terrifying for me to admit to myself that I was gay. My world collapsed. It collapsed because I knew it was true and that in the world I live in it spelled ridicule, rejection, and hate. It was terrifying because I knew then that it wasn't a choice. I had been fighting it my whole life. Then, to realize I didn't have a choice but to face the possible rejection by family, friends, religion, and society, I crumbled. But now I realize... to hell what other people think. I am not going to live my life fighting against myself simply to receive the praise of others. The only opinion I care about is God's and any condemnation I have felt has never been from God... it has been from the words and attitudes of the people who profess to know him. Those attitudes and opinions led me away from God, not to him. They made me feel ashamed to pray to God or ask him for help. They made me feel like I was unworthy of his love. God would never want that. That is how I know that the shame and guilt I felt was not from him or his disapproval, it was from people. People who I respected and looked to for guidance and direction. Good people who were unintentionally misleading me because of their own biases and the prejudices that have become the tradition of our society.
What if the war you are waging on yourself right now is unnecessary?