ART: Who do you think you are?

I love Christina Perri's song Jar of Hearts and the beautiful music video that was produced for it. It became popular after an episode of So You Think You Can Dance where a couple danced to the song. It was due to that episode that dance so heavily influences the music video.

It tells the story of a heartless man-whore who gets girls to fall in love with him only to crush their hearts. He's definitely the villain of this story. But when I listen to these lyrics, I relate it to the situation many people like me (gay LDS people) face. It then becomes, to me, a desperate argument against the society that embraces moral conventions that supports intolerance. Listen to the speaker as he/she desperately addresses society (religion, governments, other social constructs). Sometimes I personify the society as someone like the Pope (who to me, represents both religious and political power) or, specific to the LDS culture, a bishop or stake president, etc.

I think people who feel driven away from the church are often given insult to injury. They go to church and are hurt by things that are done and said to them by members and leaders alike. Then, when they express how they've been hurt, members say, "well, you choose to be offended. There is no good reason for you to leave. People only leave because they want to justify their sins." It becomes the fault of the disaffected member for the treatment they received. And then people wonder why they don't come back:

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

The last two lines may be interpreted as the speaker saying- "I don't belong to you anymore. The dead ghost that I was in your cruel hands no longer exists! My love was sincere. The deepest love I've felt. And you've lost it." In application to disaffected members, I feel like many of them really did have a true love of the gospel. A lot of people go through a great deal of pain when they realize that they must distance themselves from the church so that they can live some sort of healthy, happy life.

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

Gay members of the church are asked to and expected to live half a life. They are asked to never express their real love for members of the same sex. They are asked never to hope for a relationship with the person they love. The are asked to live celibate lives and to wait for death to have their natural feelings "fixed" so that they are normal and can then be given permission to be acted upon. They are asked not to associate with others like them (gay individuals). The hope to have a family of their own in this life is taken from them. If this isn't what it means to live half a life- a life without love, I don't know what does.

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

Watching the church that I grew up in, served in, and preached for tearing the ability for two people who love each other to get married away from them is hard. Who do they think they are? Wasn't agency and freedom of choice the plan of Christ? Was it not Satan who would have us enslaved, forced to act only within the bounds that are set for us?

I think the Church is catching a cold from this icy issue. Individuals, families, wards, and communities are being torn apart by the ways the church has been so involved in the politics of it. For many, this is the last straw, the pain is too much for them and they are shutting the doors. They are telling visitors from their old wards assigned to invite them back- "don't come back." They are gaining the strength to stand up for themselves and maintain their dignity.

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

It takes a lot of hard work, tears, and spiritual agony to get to a good place after being hurt so badly by people who claim to be acting in the name of Christ. When I found light in my eyes again, when I felt the spirit in be come alive again, it was nothing short of miraculous. I forgot what it was like to feel that. And once I found it, part of me regretted not taking my own path sooner. Some people feel as if they would have been better off if they were never introduced to the church... if they had never tasted the kiss of betrayal by organized religion at all. The promises to share our burdens, mourn with us, and comfort us were broken.

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?