05 December 2010

THT: Doubt

Yes. I doubt. It might be hard to believe to some people who read this blog. I seem so certain and put together. But just like anyone, I am unsure of things sometimes. I don't want to leave the impression that I am some super-human who has somehow managed to figure everything out and doesn't have a hard day sometimes. I have them. I am unsure of the future. I am unsure if my hands are capable enough to leave to them things of such importance and fragility as love. 

I want to make it clear that just because a person finds a path for their life that they feel peace in, doesn't mean that there aren't going to be trials and difficulties and uncertainties. I mean, at this point, I am not questioning the direction I am taking my life in. But at the same time, this road I am traveling is new to me and it is as if I am afraid to explore a little as I walk, make some mistakes, take some risks. I suppose I am so scared because it has taken me SO long to find this path and it seems reckless to start looking around me for fear I will loose my way. This path I am walking has been amazing. It has brought so much life into me, happiness I never knew I could feel, love I never knew existed.

At the same time however, I wonder if I can really be sure I am on the best path for me if I don't stop and take a look around at my surroundings. Take a little side trail every now and then. Explore what sites there are to see along the way. Take a water break under the shade of a majestic tree I can see in the distance. Perhaps it is just juvenile curiosity. But maybe it isn't juvenile. What if it is vitally important? Doubt. Fear.

It is these times when faith becomes so important. To trust in Christ that if you are doing your best to come unto him that those few steps into the darkness you have to take won't lead you astray and that you will end up in the promised land. Back to one of my favorite Book of Mormon stories. The Jaredites loaded into these sealed vessels off into the deep, tumultuous ocean into the unknown. And although they knew they would be tossed about by winds and waves, they had faith that they would end up in the promised land.

These are times when prayer is important. Prayer is hard for me sometimes. At first, I thought it was ridiculous to pray when I was off on a date with a boy earlier that day. But then I realized that God loves me and I need guidance just like everyone else. So I don't feel uncomfortable praying at all anymore- unless. There is an exception. Sometimes it is still hard for me to imagine that God would want to advise me on my relationships. The notion that gay = evil has been taught to me since I was young, and as someone who struggled with the issue, I paid particular attention. So re-programming doesn't happen over night and I have to remind myself that God is still interested in being involved in my life... in all aspects of it. Why? Because he wants me to be happy.

It is interesting though that I am finally dealing with normal trials and struggles. For so long, the only one in my life was the war I raged against myself over being gay. Now that I have stopped destroying myself, I have regular struggles. Relationships, employment, faith, etc, etc. They aren't exactly a cup of tea, but I suppose I should be grateful for the fact that I am able to deal with other things in my life finally.

Maybe I will learn something at church tomorrow (today) that will help. I'll keep you posted.


Too Hard Headed to Give Up said...

This is beautifully written. There were a few things that really stuck out to me:
God does love each of us, and He wants to be in our lives. No matter what.

And now, dealing with normal trial and struggles. For me, I feel mostly peace, and the trials that I experience now are the kinds I used to hear about in church. And I'd feel so jealous and wonder why I couldn't just have a trial that was related to my job.

Thanks for writing this. I needed this today.

apronkid said...

It's almost nice to deal with "normal" life challenges after I excepted being gay! Sure, it can be hard, but at least I've accepted myself for who i am. It's a wonderful feeling.

Doubt is a very important feeling. I think it leads us to discover new things, things we would have overlooked if we didn't doubt.

Gay Mormon said...

@Too Hard Headed- Thanks! It is really weird to be experiencing all the things I always heard about. It's like I have a late start, but perhaps I am better prepared for them? I don't know. But you are right, we can still find much peace, even in the midst of trials as we have faith.

@apronkkid- Today in church someone bore a testimony on how doubt is of the Devil. That God was never the author of doubt and if you are feeling it that it is because Christ isn't in your life. At first, I thought- "Ouch! Burn!" But then I thought more about it and I'm not sure I agree.

I agree with you that it is important. Would Galileo have made the discovery that the sun was the center of the galaxy if he had not doubted the accepted notion of geocentrism? Would Joseph Smith have prayed to God if he didn't doubt the things that we being taught as truth? If we never doubt, we can never truly know for ourselves. If we never doubt, we are simply empty glasses accepting anything that is poured in. We become forces that are being acted upon rather than forces that act.

Trev said...

I don't remember where I heard this referenceless phrase, but I think it's true: "All testimony begins with questioning."

I think doubt is in fact of the devil in that it paralyzes us and is what he uses to keep us from trusting in Christ. Trusting in Christ doesn't mean ignoring doubt and questions, it means trusting Him enough to confront them--with his help--and grow through them and Him.

2 Nephi 2:21-28, emphasis on 26-28. Because of the Atonement, we are redeemed from the Fall and are free to choose our path, marked by the commandments of God.

Why are there doubts about certain of the commandments? Well, I've wondered about what 2 Nephi 9:26 has to say about that. When is the law "given?" You can look at the relationship between the commandments, agency, the Atonement, and testimony from infinite perspectives, and...

D&C 131:6*,

it behooves us to think about the meaning of these things and seek it out. That is where the trust comes in.

*Verse 5 is worth a look, too. In light of your past comments on the Priesthood, I'd be interested in any thoughts you might have on that verse.

Trev said...

Oh, ha ha. I didn't read the end of your last comment, too anxious to write my own (maybe I should make my own blog); sorry about that. Very much agree about the acting versus being acted upon. If only I could live it better.

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