20 November 2010

PE: Embarrassed of Myself?

Since coming to terms with my sexuality in August, I feel that overall, I have taken the fast-track to becoming comfortable in my own skin. But a couple weeks ago, I did something that I got so mad at myself for.

My last paper of my undergraduate education will be a 12 page paper on Brokeback Mountain. I chose the film of course. Not only do I have to write the paper, but I also have to do a presentation in front of my class of 40 students. Yikes. Anyway, I didn't own the movie and I knew I'd be watching it a lot. So I went searching for it. It isn't very popular in the Provo/Orem apparently because I had to go to three stores before finding it.

Well, I was at best buy (the second place I looked) and couldn't find it. So I flagged down an employee to ask if he could look it up for me. After giving him the title, I felt I had to clarify that this was for a paper I had to write for class. I even said it was kind of embarrassing.

I walked out of that store so angry with myself. Why did I do that?? Why do I care what this guy thinks about me wanting the "gay cowboy" movie?? Even if he would have assumed I was gay, so what? I am! Who cares that the check-out lady at the third store gave me a funny look when I made my purchase! Sometimes it is hard to be strong by yourself.

I am unashamed when I am with a friend or family member (gay or not). I went and got my hair done with two other friends. One was a gay friend, the other was our mutual girl friend. We went to a local hair school and got cuts and color. We all sat next to each other and the 6 of us (including our stylists) had a great time for three hours. We talked a little about being gay and Mormon. I just need to work on being strong when I am all by myself.


Ned said...

Consider posting your paper here. You could even post it in draft form and I'm sure a few of us would give you feedback, if you like, or would that break the rules of it being entirely your own work?

shaantvis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
shaantvis said...

Here's a recommendation for your paper- A Single Man, it's great, maybe it could be a supplement. I've got a copy that you could use.

Gay LDS Actor said...

Maybe you did it because you're still finding yourself. I don't know, so perhaps I'm wrong. I think you just need to chalk it up to one of those "live and learn" moments. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about it. Maybe the important question is what you've already asked yourself: "Why did you care what the guy thought?" Why did you care what the check-out lady thought?" So what if they think you're gay? Like you said, you are. But you're right; it is sometimes hard to be strong by yourself. I used to be so afraid what people thought. I'm finding that the more I allow myself to just be who I am without worrying so much what others think, the happier I seem to be. It's very empowering. I wish the best of happiness and success to you in your life's journey.

Anonymous said...

What's the paper going to be about specifically? I wasn't too much a fan of the movie.

Anonymous said...

I went to buy In Quiet Desperation at Deseret Book, and believe me, I had the hardest time buying it. I was getting it because my counselor recommended looking into some more information about being homosexual. Anyways, to make a long story short, I had to call my Mom, MY MOM! Seriously...and even after that I had to buy another book to cover up the front of the book. It was ridiculous. So don't beat yourself up, it happened to me too, and you're farther along than I am anyways.

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