Since coming to terms with my sexuality in August, I feel that overall, I have taken the fast-track to becoming comfortable in my own skin. But a couple weeks ago, I did something that I got so mad at myself for.
My last paper of my undergraduate education will be a 12 page paper on Brokeback Mountain. I chose the film of course. Not only do I have to write the paper, but I also have to do a presentation in front of my class of 40 students. Yikes. Anyway, I didn't own the movie and I knew I'd be watching it a lot. So I went searching for it. It isn't very popular in the Provo/Orem apparently because I had to go to three stores before finding it.
Well, I was at best buy (the second place I looked) and couldn't find it. So I flagged down an employee to ask if he could look it up for me. After giving him the title, I felt I had to clarify that this was for a paper I had to write for class. I even said it was kind of embarrassing.
I walked out of that store so angry with myself. Why did I do that?? Why do I care what this guy thinks about me wanting the "gay cowboy" movie?? Even if he would have assumed I was gay, so what? I am! Who cares that the check-out lady at the third store gave me a funny look when I made my purchase! Sometimes it is hard to be strong by yourself.
I am unashamed when I am with a friend or family member (gay or not). I went and got my hair done with two other friends. One was a gay friend, the other was our mutual girl friend. We went to a local hair school and got cuts and color. We all sat next to each other and the 6 of us (including our stylists) had a great time for three hours. We talked a little about being gay and Mormon. I just need to work on being strong when I am all by myself.