Today I was thinking about the leaders of the church. For most my life, I believed that they were pretty much infallible. I mean, we talked about them being men, but we didn't really believe it. Why do I say that? Because no one would dare disagree with a prophet. It is heresy! So even though it is written in our doctrine that they are imperfect men, our culture overlooks it and basically maintains the idea that their word is God. That culture is perpetuated by the leaders who continue to teach that their word is scripture, etc.
Shortly before and after coming to terms with being gay, I realized the folly in believing these men to be practically perfect and that I probably should have taken more notice of the actual doctrine that says that they are indeed, just men. I accepted that they could be inspired and that at times they could speak words that would be approved of by God, but that at others they simply spoke from their own human experience and therefore would come from a place of ignorance.
Today, however, the thing I struggle with is the idea that these men are so far behind the curve on the whole gay issue. I mean, if they were even slightly inspired by God, shouldn't they be towards the beginning of the curve? These are educated men who hold positions of power... power they claim has been given to them by God. They claim to speak for God. In my opinion, any person who claims such things and who has such a mass following of people who are making decisions directly based on what that person says would do well to be damn sure they are speaking truth. I mean, what advantage do we have over anyone else by listening to these men if they cannot come to the realization that gay relationships are not unnatural... that they are not harmful? Even in the midst of study after study and professionals offering their findings that show clearly that being gay is a natural occurrence and that it is in no way perverse these supposedly inspired leaders refuse to apologize and recognize that changes should be made.
At what point do these men become just like every other man who is set in his ways, closed to new ideas, stubborn to the bone? And if this described the leadership of the church, how are they even open to inspiration from God? Why is it that the world is the force that needs to pressure the leaders to change? These questions make is so hard for me to maintain faith in the idea that these men are in anyway more qualified to teach me how best to lead my life than my own mind is. Other questions are, why have our prophets been chosen from such a small group of people? Interconnected through family and other personal relationships? Why does the position of a prophet always seem to be an advancement or promotion? Why do these men all have long histories of leadership in the church starting as bishops, stake presidents, mission presidents, seventies, etc. when in the past, God has chosen people who were slow of speech, uneducated, unworthy, of little power or influence, of all shapes, sizes and areas of residency? Why does God's choice of prophets all of a sudden seem so calculated and businesslike?
I don't know guys and girls... these are the questions that constantly go through my mind. They are the result of a person who is trying hard to find reasons to continue believing. For so long I didn't ask questions. But because of the things I have experienced in large part because of this faith and my sexuality, I must ask. Is there something I am missing? Have I been blinded in one way or another or are my eyes finally opening for the first time?