There are a lot of people that wonder why anyone who has been hurt or offended by religion bother with it anymore. I ask myself that question all the time.
Tonight I was Skyping with my boyfriend. We talked about religion mostly. It is often the topic of discussion. We can talk for hours about it. Anyway, at one point I asked him if he thought I spent too much time and energy thinking about God/religion. Of course he said no and that he loves that I am so thoughtful about it, but it made me wonder why I spend the time that I do on it.
In our conversation, I feel like I came to some sort of conclusion. I am inclined to believe. It is just in me. I feel a pull towards the spiritual... towards deity. However, I've put all my faith and trust in spiritual things before, and I got burned. After years of service, time, energy, and emotional, spiritual, and mental investment, I was burned bad... scarred even. My soul cannot forget that pain... but my spirit is just as inclined to believe.
So, this brings us to my situation. I want to believe, but I'm afraid to. Most children won't go near the oven after getting burned by it. But as we grow, we realize that there is a proper way to touch the oven. You can open it and find a feast without getting burned. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to do that. Find the fulfillment in belief without getting hurt again.
For now though, it seems I am keeping a safe distance.