04 August 2011

PE: A Year in Review... It really does get better

A year ago right now I was finalizing suicide plans. This week last year I was saying goodbye to my family for what I believed to be the last time. I was at my lowest. The only thought in the world that brought me any kind of peace at all was death. I had been suicidal for most of the year, but had never begun making preparations until August. Those nights were agonizing and the hours of darkness they brought seemed to last much longer than the hours of daylight.

I would have never imagined that my life would be what it is today. I couldn't imagine it. I couldn't possibly believe that their would ever be happiness for me in this life. I would never have thought that my mouth would ever form the shape of a genuine smile again. Oh how wrong I was, and how happy I am that I did not take my life before it even had a chance to begin!

I have experienced so much joy in the last year. So many firsts! First kiss that sent electrifying currents through my body. First official relationship. First time I felt the desire to hold another person's hand. To think I almost gave up before I was able to experience love!

A year ago I could count one one hand the number of people who knew I was concerned I might be gay. Today, my family, extended family, friends, coworkers, home ward bishop and stake president... basically everyone knows. I am in a committed relationship. I've met amazing people from all walks of life and have made lots of new friends. I am so lucky! And I would have laughed at the person who would have said that those three words would come out of my mouth last year.

It really has gotten better. Life is sweet again... even after i forgot the taste of it... when life was full of death and despair and darkness. My world was, in a sense, resurrected. It was made alive again after it had grown dead and cold. I look forward and welcome the future. I have dreams again. Love exists again. Life is so worth living.

2 comments:

BGM said...

Reading this post brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy for you. I'm glad that you can smile again.
I had thoughts of suicide at the beginning of the year but couldn't bring myself to act upon it. I glad that I didn't but my mouth still finds it difficult to sustain the shape of a smile. Though I'm getting there.

Sara said...

This is so wonderful, inspiring. I'm so happy for you.

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