07 December 2014

On Life and Love

When I started this blog, there were much fewer resources for LGBT Mormons. Going through my self-acceptance and coming out phase was extremely difficult and disorienting. I felt so alone and so lost and so unsure of my future. As I processed all my thoughts and emotions, I realized that there would be others like me who had no one to talk to, no one to relate to, and no resources. So I set out to become a sort of resource by sharing my story as it unfolded. At the time, I had no idea that the act of starting my blog would change my life in a very measurable way.

I used to receive emails from around the world from people who read my blog or came across my YouTube videos pretty frequently. Many times they would be emails from people who felt alone and scared and they just needed someone to talk to. Every once and awhile, when I could, I would meet people and talk to them face to face. 3 1/2 years ago, I received an email from a boy named Sean. He was going to college in LA, had recently come out, and emailed me because he was coming home to Salt Lake for the summer and wanted to know how to meet other guys who came from a Christian background.

He had come across my blog and videos and other than the fact that he was in college, I knew nothing about him. I invited him to come to a game night with a group of friends in Provo. Our relationship developed over the next few weeks and we have been together ever since. We've had a wonderful relationship and many adventures. Sean has been my rock while I navigated these new waters, and I like to think I've been his. We've always had each others' back and all the hard things in life are that much easier to deal with because of that.

There are often pivotal moments in life that we can look back on and recognize as life-changing events. More rare, however, are the points in life when you recognize very distinctly that in the present moment, you are making life-altering decisions. Now is one of those times.

Sean and I, after many tears, conversations, counseling sessions, and much thought, have decided to go separate ways at the end of the year. Sometimes real love means saying goodbye, and I believe that is true for us. It has been very difficult to accept the reality of this decision. For the first time in a long time, we are both facing a heartbreaking challenge and we wont have the other to be our rock- to get us through and hold each others' hand while we heal from the pain-- and that is absolutely terrifying.

A couple weeks after making this decision, I was offered and opportunity to do long-term work for Madison House Autism Foundation, which is located in the Washington DC area. I accepted that opportunity, and will be moving there the first week of January. It is so much to process. Not only am I experiencing my first real heartbreak and ending my first long-term relationship, I am leaving practically everything and everyone I know, packing my belongings into a car, and driving 2,000 miles away. This will be a clear point in my life where everything changed. I don't know what is in store for my future. It will be a new type of journey, another stage in this unpredictable life- and I plan on taking you all along for the ride.


Duck said...
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Duck said...
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Duck said...

(I had to delete the previous two comments because of spelling errors- I HATE it when I cannot spell!! Arrrrrrrrgggggggg)

Hi, Jonathan. I have followed your blog from the beginning. You and I became friends and I have learned a lot from you. I feel like somewhat just kicked me in the gut as I read that you and Sean are splitting up. I, for some reason, thought the two of you would be together forever. I am saddened that you are going your separate ways but I hope that, in the long run, this will be the move that you need to make. I hope, for you and Sean, that you will be able to heal from the heartache of this split and that life will be good to the both of you. I wish you each a long life full of goodness, happiness, joy, and love. Travel safely and best of luck to you in your new position with the Autism foundation. You will be awesome. As a Jr. High math teacher, I encounter many autistic students and look forward to learning from the things you, hopefully, will share about Autism. Sending love and good energy your way, love Duck

Evan said...

Sounds like a rough time. I don't know the back story (I don't think I've seen your blog before), but if it's any consolation, if you're going to pick one place to leave everything behind and start over knowing no one, DC is a great place to do it. Everyone here is from somewhere else and came here to do something they thought was cool. The gay community here is really interesting as well (lots of professionals, weirdly sports-oriented, lots of social organizations). My (now-)husband and I arrived here three years ago knowing only three people (all of whom have now left), but have found it really easy to build up a nice network of friends. Feel free to get in touch if you have any questions about settling here.

Armando Bravo said...

Jonathan: I am very sorry for the pain you both are suffering. I wish you will feel our company as people that appreciate you, and also hope the strenght of the real love you felt endures in these difficult times. Be brave and hopeful. Sincerely

El Genio said...

I can only imagine how difficult it must feel. You have indescribable heartache mixed with anticipation and excitement over a new and promising opportunity. There are no easy answers, but life is all about embracing new opportunities, meeting new people, and exploring what kind of connections and relationships work best for you. As you work through the heartache I hope you learn to enjoy and embrace your new life in DC. So excited for you :)

Anonymous said...

Oh John, I was surprised to see about the split with your boyfriend :( I once you wrote an e-mail asking for help and advice (I'm from Europe), and you had been so kind and supportive.
I wish you the best of luck on this new chapter of your life! :)

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