As you might be able to tell, I've been quite silent for awhile. Partly because I've been busy with a full-time job and a full-time relationship. But also because I feel as though I have very little to offer to readers.
When I think about the progress of my blog, it seems I began this journey very optimistically (or maybe idealistically). I accepted that I was gay, but... as if to make up for that fact, I seemed determined to be Mormon. Almost as if the mentality was, "I'm gay, but it's okay- I'm a Mormon!"
As I have talked with and associated with other people along this journey, this seems to be a pretty common step or stage that a gay LDS person goes through. Reconciliation. A time that we attempt to redefine our lives to include everything we know, no matter how contradictory it may seem. I wanted to fit everything into the neat little box that I seemed always capable of doing.
If you have followed my posts... or even if you've only checked in ever now and then, it is clear that I have been somewhat unsuccessful if my end goal was as originally stated. I am however, happy. I have made a wonderful transition.
Sometimes I think that the readers of blogs like mine are searching for some other answer. That they are the ones who optimistically look for an example of a well-adjusted, mentally stable, emotionally healthy gay Mormon who is both a pillar of his Mormon community and has begun a life with a same-sex loved one whom he/she loves with all their souls. And although I don't feel like a failure- not in the least, I imagine my 24 year-old self flipping through my blog and thinking, "oh, another disillusioned Mormon who jumped head first into the "gay lifestyle," and then moving on to some other blog.
I'm not sure anything I have to say anymore is anything people looking at these sort of blogs can relate to. I have come to the realization over time that I am part of two worlds that cannot coexist. One must prevail over the other. This is not something I would have accepted as I began this journey of mine. I had to discover it on my own. But the truth is, I cannot have both. I can either build a life and family with a man I truly love, or I can be an active, participating member of the church. I have experienced some of both in my life.
I grew up in the church. I was someone members would speak of fondly and praise. I served a 2 year mission in Korea. I graduated from BYU. The Church has been the bulk of my life experiences. I have many fond memories. I have also fallen in love. Made unforgettable memories in big and small places. I've held hands with a boy walking down the streets of New York. I've stayed up all night playing chess and drinking wine on the floor with him. I've celebrated the new year with a kiss. I've rubbed his back when he was ill. He's brought me dinner after a long day of work. He loves me more than anything in the world and when he walks through the door, I can feel my face light up.
I would never give up the chance to love and be loved the way that I have experienced for anything. And I have only had a glimpse of what this life could be like. I would never forfeit love for a religion that would have me deny it. And so my choice is clear. I choose love over Mormonism. And if I am to be punished by some invisible being for loving someone, shame on that being for crushing something so beautiful. I do not wish to be part of an organization that actively fights to deny me my happiness. I will not support a church that attacks my family.
7 comments:
Jonathan,
The very fact that you posted this, and speak so eloquently, touches me, and if your words touch me, they will still touch others. Please keep writing about your journey!
I never expected MY journey to take me to where I am now -- with a partner for 7 great years. This despite my being divorced from a beautiful woman who for almost 25 years (and 3 children's worth) stood by my side hoping that the Church's promises would unfold in our lives, and I'd be freed from my attraction to men. (I had told her of this when I proposed to her, but we both went forward in faith that I could change. I've since realized that I'm mostly gay, but somewhat bi). So, in the end, I count myself lucky that (in my case) I have loved and been loved, twice, in return. In the process I learned that the Church has no inspiration to provide to couples who are in mixed-orientation marriages, nor single gays or lesbian -- in the case of married couples they have no wisdom to impart to the gay partner to help him/her process the reality of their attraction (gay/bi), and for the single gay/lesbian they offer an unsustainable, unattractive path - celibacy. Ultimately, I found that the house of card of what they "knew" about homosexuality, tumbled down in the face of what I knew about myself, and what I learned as I met members of the LGBTQ community. My best to you.
You are a different person from the guy that started the youtube videos back in 2010. Please tell us more of what made you change.
Jonathan,
You are still magnificent in God's eyes if you don't consider yourself Mormon anymore! Please believe me when I say you're going to be fine, although it may hurt a little to say goodbye to the organization that has taken up much of your life experiences, as it was for me. I went through the same process you've been through and last summer, I officially took my name off the records. I can honestly say I am the same person (morally) that I was when I was an active member. The only thing that changed, or developed, was my intellectual process, or how I viewed the world. But what a blessing that was! Choosing love over Mormonism is a noble choice. Love, the kind that you have, will never teach you the things that hurt your soul, the same things The Church did to you (and me). I applaud you for this choice you've made. :)
thanks for the update. I've wondered if things were going OK for you and it sounds like they are. I'm glad you're happy and I wish you the best.
I commend you for your choice. Much peace, freedom and happiness will come to you.
I 'gave away' the church and my children and became a happier person last April. Giving them away helped me face up to the fact that the love I was trying to show/give them was not reciprocated to any degree, and I needed someone to pour out that love on. I have not found that someone, and although I am retired and living a good life, feel it will happen. Pleasant sailing on your journey.
Johnathan,
I viewed your video from 2010, and was impressed that a 22-year-old man so clearly expressed such mature reasoning and did so with such deep sincerity. You were courageous then to let yourself be so vulnerable, and you continue to be courageous to follow your conscience.
The traditional marriage vow says "to love, honor, and cherish, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, forsaking all others 'til death do you part." This means marriage is meant to be a life-long, respectful, selfless, nurturing, intimate relationship. That is a huge promise for flawed humans to keep! Unfortunately, our society, allows couples to marry without requiring any understanding of such commitment. Is it any wonder that half of heterosexual marriages end in divorce? Meanwhile, legalistic religions narrow mindedly oppose all same-sex relationships whether or not they are striving to live out the committed ideals of marriage. I think any two adults who can promise this after careful reasoning and soul-searching should be celebrated!
Of course our most important committed relationship must be with God. My church's theology/doctrine is not my god. These change with new understanding, but God doesn't change. My beliefs are not my god. Ones beliefs develop and mature from what they were as a child. We must have faith in God and live it like a marriage!
I hope you can find a community to practice your faith that will support you in living a committed relationship with your soul-mate. I also hope that you will continue to speak about your spiritual journey to benefit others who are searching.
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