As you might be able to tell, I've been quite silent for awhile. Partly because I've been busy with a full-time job and a full-time relationship. But also because I feel as though I have very little to offer to readers.
When I think about the progress of my blog, it seems I began this journey very optimistically (or maybe idealistically). I accepted that I was gay, but... as if to make up for that fact, I seemed determined to be Mormon. Almost as if the mentality was, "I'm gay, but it's okay- I'm a Mormon!"
As I have talked with and associated with other people along this journey, this seems to be a pretty common step or stage that a gay LDS person goes through. Reconciliation. A time that we attempt to redefine our lives to include everything we know, no matter how contradictory it may seem. I wanted to fit everything into the neat little box that I seemed always capable of doing.
If you have followed my posts... or even if you've only checked in ever now and then, it is clear that I have been somewhat unsuccessful if my end goal was as originally stated. I am however, happy. I have made a wonderful transition.
Sometimes I think that the readers of blogs like mine are searching for some other answer. That they are the ones who optimistically look for an example of a well-adjusted, mentally stable, emotionally healthy gay Mormon who is both a pillar of his Mormon community and has begun a life with a same-sex loved one whom he/she loves with all their souls. And although I don't feel like a failure- not in the least, I imagine my 24 year-old self flipping through my blog and thinking, "oh, another disillusioned Mormon who jumped head first into the "gay lifestyle," and then moving on to some other blog.
I'm not sure anything I have to say anymore is anything people looking at these sort of blogs can relate to. I have come to the realization over time that I am part of two worlds that cannot coexist. One must prevail over the other. This is not something I would have accepted as I began this journey of mine. I had to discover it on my own. But the truth is, I cannot have both. I can either build a life and family with a man I truly love, or I can be an active, participating member of the church. I have experienced some of both in my life.
I grew up in the church. I was someone members would speak of fondly and praise. I served a 2 year mission in Korea. I graduated from BYU. The Church has been the bulk of my life experiences. I have many fond memories. I have also fallen in love. Made unforgettable memories in big and small places. I've held hands with a boy walking down the streets of New York. I've stayed up all night playing chess and drinking wine on the floor with him. I've celebrated the new year with a kiss. I've rubbed his back when he was ill. He's brought me dinner after a long day of work. He loves me more than anything in the world and when he walks through the door, I can feel my face light up.
I would never give up the chance to love and be loved the way that I have experienced for anything. And I have only had a glimpse of what this life could be like. I would never forfeit love for a religion that would have me deny it. And so my choice is clear. I choose love over Mormonism. And if I am to be punished by some invisible being for loving someone, shame on that being for crushing something so beautiful. I do not wish to be part of an organization that actively fights to deny me my happiness. I will not support a church that attacks my family.