I put a lot of pressure on myself. Right now I am working a TON. Last week I went 48 hours without sleep to work. This is the reason I don't post much anymore. Obviously my life is off balance. Work has taken over. I'm not sure what the solution is yet, but it is definitely taking a toll. I am less happy and satisfied with my life. But this means a whole lot more than that when put into context of my situation.
You see, I have plenty of people expecting me to fail. They expect me to have a breakdown and to be unhappy. They expect it because I have chosen to live a life true to the person that I am. They expect it because I am living as a gay guy and thy think that any bit of unhappiness I may find in my life will be directly due to that.
The result is, I can't allow myself to be unhappy. I feel like I need it all. I need to be successful, I need a steady relationship, I need to volunteer and work for the benefit of others, I need to have a plan for my life and I need to be on the road to achieving that plan. I have to know what I want and go out and get it. If I don't, somehow I loose credibility. So when I don't have all those things (like right now where I have let work take over my life) I get down on myself. And then I get even more down on myself for being down at all. I feel like having a bad day or being unhappy is proof for others and evidence to myself that I am doing something wrong. Others will assume it is my being gay, and it is hard for me to keep that out of my mind.
But the truth of the matter is that gay people have bad days too. They are unhappy sometimes too. We don't always have everything figured out. I need a vacation.
Here is the first of a series of short skits I am producing for Robert's Arts and Crafts. There should be about 2 episodes a month through the end of the year. They are trying their hand at viral marketing and social media: