05 May 2011

THT: I can't be unhappy

I put a lot of pressure on myself. Right now I am working a TON. Last week I went 48 hours without sleep to work. This is the reason I don't post much anymore. Obviously my life is off balance. Work has taken over. I'm not sure what the solution is yet, but it is definitely taking a toll. I am less happy and satisfied with my life. But this means a whole lot more than that when put into context of my situation.

You see, I have plenty of people expecting me to fail. They expect me to have a breakdown and to be unhappy. They expect it because I have chosen to live a life true to the person that I am. They expect it because I am living as a gay guy and thy think that any bit of unhappiness I may find in my life will be directly due to that.

The result is, I can't allow myself to be unhappy. I feel like I need it all. I need to be successful, I need a steady relationship, I need to volunteer and work for the benefit of others, I need to have a plan for my life and I need to be on the road to achieving that plan. I have to know what I want and go out and get it. If I don't, somehow I loose credibility. So when I don't have all those things (like right now where I have let work take over my life) I get down on myself. And then I get even more down on myself for being down at all. I feel like having a bad day or being unhappy is proof for others and evidence to myself that I am doing something wrong. Others will assume it is my being gay, and it is hard for me to keep that out of my mind.

But the truth of the matter is that gay people have bad days too. They are unhappy sometimes too. We don't always have everything figured out. I need a vacation.

Here is the first of a series of short skits I am producing for Robert's Arts and Crafts. There should be about 2 episodes a month through the end of the year. They are trying their hand at viral marketing and social media:

6 comments:

"Lucky Jake" said...

2 things:

1) AWESOME video!!!!

2) You can't put that much pressure on yourself! Granted, I'm not in your shoes... but forcing yourself to not be unhappy can't exactly be "healthy" ... can it?

It's a shame that people automatically sense the first sign of unhappiness as being the direct result of being gay.

Anyway, take care. :)

Kiley said...

There is definitely pressure to make sure that you happy! "It get's better" right?! Sometimes its like I am out to single-handedly prove to the world that gay people are "good" and productive citizen.

You are definitely not alone!

Alex said...

I was going to tell you, it's ok to be unhappy sometimes but I can see halfway through the post you figured that out already.
This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Being gay, and even questioning the church, you feel a lot of pressure to be happy, to have a good life. You are a light to your friends and families who don't know a lot of gay people, or a lot of people in your shoes. It's a tremendous responsibility you feel to not screw it up. I think though, that all of us get to make mistakes. I think we all get to have bad days. Maybe in some ways that's an important thing to show your loved ones too.

Anonymous said...

Once again you amaze me. As I read your post I had several thoughts forming in my mind. Then your Robert's Arts and Crafts skit derailed me! As a side note, that is a *really* well produced skit--far above typical YouTube standards. (To the Robert's Marketing Department: Hang on to Jonathan--he's the best person you're going to find.) The thought that is now front and center in my mind is the idea of creative transference. To what extent did the pressure and long hours you are facing influence the Craft Lady's monologue, style, and actions? I see parallels between the Craft Lady's scrapbook angst and the pressures that you feel right now. If my hunch is right, your recent experiences are the very things that make the Craft Lady so funny and spot-on. You both feel a heavy weight to be unfailingly at the top of your game. A friend of mine said to me years ago that it's always the ones who are doing the most who think they're not doing enough. Who is expecting you to fail? I'm cheering for you, so I felt a sense of protective indignance when I read that some people are expecting you to fail. Lead me to these people--I want to have a word with them :).

jen said...

I'm a little different, because I'm not gay, but I did leave the church. And I have felt the pressure to be happy and not to be angry, so that no one thinks of me as the "angry apostate".

I have come to a place where I recognize I'm me. Me is all I can be. Sometimes I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel happy. I can't control what other people think of me - and when I do try to do that, I go crazy.

YOU are a fantastic person, its okay to just be you.

bradcarmack said...

I agree with Jen.

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