THT: God

I was at my aunt's house with relatives on conference Sunday for dinner and games. I didn't watch conference this year. It was kind of a Boyd-cott and kind of self-preservation. I will not take poison into my soul, and I think that that is exactly what watching conference last time was for me- poison. It sounds dramatic, I know. And I probably shouldn't have been so against the idea seeing as how other general authorities have been in such disagreement with Packer's last conference talk. But I'm still recovering from the pain, a yes, a little resentment, that it brought.

Anyway, recently I was sort of contemplating the idea of God. The thought entered my mind that perhaps he was made up. Maybe God is purely man-made. I do not pretend that I never question the existence of deity and I will never claim to know such things. If I say I believe in God, it is exactly that- a belief. Some days I believe in God more than others. I think most of us question throughout our lives.

Anyway, at the dinner with my relatives, an uncle said something that I thought was interesting and worth sharing. We got on the topic of the "big-bang" theory. He said that believing in the big bang theory was like walking through a barren dessert on a barren planet all alone and stumbling upon a Rolex watch in perfect working condition in the sand which you then come to conclude was somehow produced naturally (without the hand of any creature) by happenstance.

While I don't fully agree with this analogy, I feel like it demonstrates an interesting point. The reason I don't fully agree is that I do not pretend to know how God made the earth and the life found on it. Perhaps he constructed something like the "big-bang" to fulfill his purposes. Who am I to know? But I do find it a bit ridiculous to look at the universe and conclude that this earth and it's life was accidental. In this huge expanse of space filled with countless planets and stars, numberless as the grains of sand in a dessert, the only one we know of housing intelligent and thriving life is ours. And like the mechanics of a watch which have to be so carefully and precisely constructed, our world operates almost laughably perfect for our existence.

This last week I have really been missing scripture and religious music. I have been so busy I hardly even have time to see friends but once a week. But all these thoughts brought a scripture to mind. Scripture is so poetic and beautiful:

"...all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator."

-Alma 30:44

When I stop and take a moment to look around me and beyond myself, it really is harder to believe that their is no God. It would be easier to conclude that the dessert made a Rolex.

PE: Sex

Did that get your attention? It is interesting how much attention that short little three letter word gets. Why? Why are we so obsessed about it? Why are we so afraid of it? Why do so many choose it over friends, family, careers, etc. It is sort of fascinating. I'm not sure I know all the answers to these questions. I'm not sure the answers matter. But I feel I can come to one solid conclusion based on all the buzz that surrounds this three letter word. For some reason, it is important to human beings. It may be important to different people for different reasons. But in the end, it is something that matters. It is something human beings value.

I categorized this post under "personal experiences." As many of you may know, I'm a virgin. That isn't to say that I haven't had sexual experiences and it also isn't to say that your definition of virgin is my definition. I know very well that family and friends read this, but I really don't care to sensor my writing. I have been done with the facade idea for quite some time. I don't need a facade. I am real. Flesh and blood. Imperfect. Human. And I don't pretend to be anything other than what I am.

Sex isn't really something I go crazy over. When I first came to terms with being gay, so many people told me that I'd be going through a "slut phase." Apparently it is common for guys to just go wild after accepting they are gay. I understand why that could happen. They've spent so much of their life suppressing their feelings instead of dealing with them in healthy ways. The religious may believe that they are going to hell and they might as well enjoy the trip there. There is no direction for them. The easiest gay "scene" to find is the party scene. It is the loudest and the most stereotypical. Imagine not knowing a single gay person. Now that you have come to terms with being gay yourself and you are ready to meet other gay people, who are you most likely to recognize? The flamboyant, "I'm here and I'm queer," loud and in-your-face gay or the successful, educated, career-minded and family-oriented gay? Which one is most-likely going to be at parties and clubs? The first of course. And so, when you are dealing with that alone as a kid, yeah... it is easy to find that lifestyle all the while oblivious to any other gay way of life.

Anyway, I never went through that. Maybe because I was so old when I was coming to terms with my sexuality or maybe it was because I was on anti-depressants that killed my sex drive haha. Don't get me wrong, the body wants it. It feels great. But so do drugs (so I hear). I am not saying sex is bad or destructive like drugs, but it sure can be. It gets back to this whole "sex being important" business. For some reason it is tied to our brain in ways that are important. And when you start messing with the brain, you better know what you are doing.

I get pretty tired of going on dates with guys who obviously just want to get down to business. Sadly, that's all many of them know. I took a guy on a date sort of recently and he thanked me. He said he had never been taken on a date. It has always been a guy inviting him over, messing around, and calling it a night. That is so sad. I told him that he deserved to be treated with respect. To be taken out for dinner. To have someone interested in who he was and what he enjoyed and what he dreams of. We all deserve that.

I said that sex isn't something I go crazy over. That isn't entirely true. I just don't go crazy over meaningless sex. Sex is something that I gain an appetite for when the person lying next to me is going to be there when I wake up. He is going to eat breakfast with me and watch my favorite movies with me. He is going to take care of me when I am sick and get frustrated with little bad habits I have that a person could only know after knowing me long enough to notice them. He is going to try and cheer me up after a difficult day. He is going to worry when I am driving in bad weather late at night and miss me when I am gone for awhile. That's when it is worth it. That is when that "drug" that is sex is prescribed by a reputable doctor. That is when all the things that make sex important are satisfied.

I can't get married to another guy at the moment. Who knows if I ever will legally be able to marry. I feel like the reason marriage is so important to me and other gay people is that marriage means all those things I wrote about above. Both people are entering into an agreement that the state, the family, the friends, and the world recognizes as a relationship where both people will care for each other in sickness and in health. That they are willing to love each other their whole lives and make that commitment before the eyes of loved ones and God. But that is still what I look for. I am looking for the person that is equally committed to loving me as I am to him. And when I feel I have found that person, sex is the cherry on top ;-)