ARG: Don't Catch the Homo!!

I must first start by saying that this is a joke that my friend began in reference to the idea that homosexuality is in someway contagious. Whenever we offer her a taste of our food or drink, she exclaims, "No! I don't wanna catch the homo! I don't wanna catch the homo!" It is interesting how we embrace the words that are meant to harm us. Mormons did it. Blacks did it. And gays do it. It is so much easier to laugh about it and turn it into a word that doesn't hurt so much.

Anyway, I must say, I'm surprised many of you haven't turned gay by reading my "gay activist propaganda." Congratulations. That is a feat worth celebrating.

Ok, in all seriousness guys- you can't CATCH homosexuality. One of the arguments that people have against gay rights is that granting them those freedoms would mean the conversion of their children to homosexuality.

Let me tell you a little about my growing up. I grew up in a family, religion, and society that not only highly values heterosexuality, but condemns homosexuality. My parents were my examples of what marriage was supposed to look like. My whole (extended) family was clear on how they viewed gay people.  My religion taught me that my salvation depended on this "normal" union of man and woman. My society's view of "happily ever after" always revolved around boy meets girl in television, film, music, and every other form of mass media you can think of. I listened to the same songs about love you did. I was familiar with all the same romantic comedies you watched. I wasn't listening and watching happily-ever-afters that included two boys or two girls. The plan for happiness in this life and the life to come has always been taught to me in terms of a traditional family. Yet here I am. A full blown gay guy even though no word had been spoken of about my happily-ever-after.

Oh how I used to wish I could "catch" heterosexuality. If only it was as simple as sharing a drink or watching a movie. But it isn't. In studies conducted on families where the parents of the children are gay (two lesbians, for example), guess what they have found? Their kids turn out as straight as they come in the proportions that hold true for all populations. Not only that, but they perform higher in school and get into less trouble and unfavorable circumstances (like sexual abuse) than their straight counterparts. Yet here we are, using their hypothetical kids to argue against the union of these two women and their ability to raise a family. You don't "catch" orientation and more than you catch eye color.

But hey, I'd still recommend washing you hands after shaking the hand of a gay person. Almost 1 out of 5 people fail to wash their hands after using the restroom. That's just gross. But don't worry. You're not gonna catch the homo.

THT: X-Men & Me

I have to give credit first to my friend Richard who wrote this beautifully written note on facebook about the topic I want to address in this post. I thought it was a beautiful analogy and wanted to share my thoughts on it as well.

The X-Men. They are individuals who grew up in typical neighborhoods in typical families who went to school with you, played with you, sang at church next to you. Then, somewhere in the course of their adolescent years, they start to exhibit abnormal abilities due to genetic mutations. As if adolescents wasn't hard enough, now they had to deal with an unwanted mutation that scared them, and often filled them with self-loathing and embarrassment. Luckily, a good man began a safe school for these kids. So while many were rejected by their families out of fear and disgust, there was a place that was welcoming to them where they could meet others like them and learn how to deal with their special talent and to see it as a gift rather than a curse. They learned to love and appreciate their differences.

Sadly, society wasn't as appreciative. These x-men were oppressed and judged because of the prejudice and fear other "normal" people had against them. Laws were made against them. They were labeled "freaks" and viewed as "dangerous" and "problematic." In the face of this rejection and prejudice, some became hostile towards the society that raised them. And after the world threw them into the gutter, society didn't hesitate to show them off as poster-examples to testify how dirty they were dirty. They threw mud at them and then used their filthiness to encourage fear and disgust among the general population.

Those X-men who tried to do good with there powers, meanwhile, went unnoticed. No matter what they did to try and help society, the world only focused on those that were turned hostile by hate and rejection.

Most people love this story. X-Men are cool. You can collect action figures and watch movies. Read the comics, dress up like them for Halloween. They are even heroes to some kids. Then we think- wouldn't that be so cool if this was real! Well kids, this story is being told in real life right now. Maybe the gay and lesbian "mutants" don't have gifts that include controlling the weather or laser-beam eyes, but they do have amazing gifts of creativity, love, and understanding.

Eventually, a cure was created that would normalize the mutants. By that time, many had come to appreciate their differences and love themselves for it. Others were still so hurt by the rejection they faced from society that they lined up for the cure, excitedly anticipating their gate to normalcy and acceptance.

I don't know a single gay friend who hasn't been in a place where they would have done anything, given anything, to be cured of their attractions. If a cure was to be presented to me even 3 months ago, I would have done anything to take it. Now, however, I see my "mutation" as a gift. And no matter what the opposition is, I will not give away a gift so great as this so easily. It is this gift that has allowed me to place my worth, not in the hands of men, but in the hands of God. It is this gift that has allowed me to become as loving, understanding, and non-judgmental as I have become. It is this gift that forced me to really look at myself and become completely honest with who I am at a fairly young age. It is the gift that brought me confidence and determination. It allowed me to know what love is. So now, there is no sum of money in the world that someone could offer me to be "cured." My "mutation" is a blessing. And although it was hell coming to terms with that due to the social stigma homosexuality is given, it is now the source of most of the good I find in life. I'm not ashamed of being an x-man.

PE: My Story Part 5 - BYU

So now we find ourselves in January 2007 when I begin my schooling at BYU. I moved in with my MTC companion just a few blocks south of campus and was ready to face my next phase of life (or so I thought). Neither of us had cars, but we were pretty fresh off the mission and walking around Provo was like a nice stroll in the park compared to 10 hours on our feet in a single day walking around our areas in Asia.

Winter semester isn't typically when people begin their year at school. Usually they start in the fall. So both of us were moving into a ward that had been established over the past semester. Can you say "fresh meat?" No joke- that is exactly how we were treated. We were the new boys that all the girls had crushes on. Here I am, never having any real sense of self-esteem, and totally clueless about girls- just looking to have a good time at college.

I'd be invited to this or that and if it sounded fun, I'd go. It wasn't based on how cute the girls in that apartment were. But it got weird when after hanging out girls would thank me "so much" for coming and hanging out with them. As if I were gracing them with my presence. This blew me away. I guess it was kind of scary. Who were these people?

Well it wasn't long before girls started becoming a little more aggressive in making sure I understood that they were interested. But I sure wasn't. I blamed it on post-missionary syndrome. I was still adjusting to life in America. Eventually though, my roommate began dating. He would come home and talk to my other roommate about his date. They'd swap stories. I'd listen.

I just kept myself busy with a full schedule of school and work, and time passed by, but my "post-missionary syndrome" didn't. It wasn't long before I had to stop using that as an excuse and start at least attempting to date. I tended to like the sporty, independent, smart girls who didn't feel the need to always "look pretty." It also helped if I was never quite sure if they liked me. So yeah, I went on dates. And as long as the girl never showed obvious signs of liking me, I'd keep dating. Problem was, I would never show obvious signs of liking her. The first girl I dated probably got fed up after 3 months of us hanging out and me never making a move. I think I held her hand once after two months.

It is so embarrassing to think of it. I had to plan exactly how I'd be able to hold her hand. Movie. Check. Blanket (that I brought to HER house to watch the movie- as if that were subtle). Check. I even planned what part of the movie would be best to "make the move." Then I sat there stiff going over the action I would take over and over in my mind. My hands were sweaty. I felt sick. But when the moment came, with great effort and awkwardness, I grabbed her hand. Trying hard to make it seem natural- making sure not to look. And just when I thought the most uncomfortable part was over, I realized how uncomfortable it was to hold her hand. She started rubbing her thumb on my hand. In my head I was thinking "what is she doing? Why do people hold hands? This is so strange."

But that was only phase one. My roommates had been talking that night up. They wanted me to kiss her. So for the rest of the movie I was worrying about how my hand was sweaty and how and when I'd kiss her, and where. I picked a time in the movie that I thought would be perfect. Well, turns out she wasn't too into the movie because she fell asleep on my shoulder. But that wouldn't do! If she didn't see the part of the movie I had picked that would be perfect for the kiss, I would fail! So when that part was about to come- I kissed her on the... HEAD... the HAIR to be exact. I told her, "oh, I love this part!" She kind of roused, but I was so devastated by the awkward hair kiss that there was no way I could attempt another. Plus, I could at least say I kissed her so my roommates would be satisfied, and that was good enough for me. I just wanted to get out of there.

Yikes. That pretty much explains my dating experiences. It was SO unnatural for me. SO uncomfortable. I was forcing myself to go through the motions of what society had taught me were appropriate when you like a girl you are on a date with. But any time a girl obviously liked me, I ran. I disappeared. It would only last as long as my unsurity of her feelings for me. The moment I knew she was into me, that relationship ended. Now, I did eventually kiss a girl (on the lips even). It would have never happened if she wasn't so forward about kissing. It was just about as awkward as the story above. After kissing, I had this sense of satisfaction. As if I had proved to myself I was straight. That I was normal. That I was exactly how every other guy was. At the same time I thought- "why the hell do people kiss?" I just didn't get it. I mean, I knew that's what two people did when they liked each other, but is that the only reason? Simply because society had determined what kissing was a symbol of? People talked about kissing as if they enjoyed it. I mean, some of my roommates would do it for extended periods of time even! WHY?

That was my last dating experience with a girl. During those first 3 years or so, I would decide to try to date again every 6 months or so. When it didn't work out, I just quit for months at a time. In the meantime I was loosing my spirituality. My secret outlet was pornography. I knew I couldn't ever (nor did I want to) act on my feelings that I had learned to bury. But somehow I still needed some kind of thing to channel these buried emotions towards. And gay porn was easy to explain away. "It doesn't mean I am gay... it is just an addiction. I just respect girls too much to watch them in those types of situations. Looking a girls would be worse- disrespectful. It's just because I value women so much more than the normal guy." In reality though- images of women made me uncomfortable and a little grossed out. Don't get me wrong, the female body doesn't gross me out... but sexual things involving females grossed me out.

I'd talk to the bishop about my pornography problems, but I never mentioned that I was looking at gay porn. Bishops just assume what kind of porn you are looking at and never seem to ask. So although I was trying to overcome it, I still felt like I was hiding something. That I was being dishonest. And I could never say the words "gay porn" to a bishop. That would be incredibly embarrassing and uncomfortable. Plus he might think I'm gay! Which I certainly wasn't (haha). I just thought porn addiction was porn addiction no matter what type you looked at, so it didn't matter. But no matter what I tried, I would always come back to it. It was something I just couldn't seem to get rid of. I became hopeless.

Well, this battle went on and I became more and more detached from church and God. My misery was ever increasing. My friends were dating and getting married and I couldn't see how that was ever going to be a possibility for me. I didn't get to enjoy dating like most do. I didn't get to have those kinds of relationships. I was dying inside.

Eventually, to help with the sadness and guilt and everything I started to go dancing at clubs with some friends every now and then. One of my friends who was an experienced drinker in the past, introduced me to some drinks. So every now and then I'd go dancing and drink to forget my problems and just have a moment where I could enjoy my wretched life. I don't want you to think I became a drunk. I didn't. It was only on the few occasions that I went dancing. But those nights saved me. They were the only times that I felt something like happiness. Counterfeit or not, it was a much better feeling then the one I lived with.

Eventually though, I felt I needed to get myself on track and clear up my life. That brings us to the beginning of this year- 2010. Hold on boys and girls, you are in for a wild ride.

THT: Adam and Eve?

Okay, so I am adding another type of post to my blog- "thoughts." Not everything I have to say is a rant or argument or experience. This one is more of a thought, and an incomplete one at that. Perhaps you can help me refine it:

So we are all pretty familiar at some level with the story of Adam and Eve. I remember never really fully understanding (nor do I claim to now) why it was that God gave them conflicting commandments. He commanded them to multiply and replenish the earth, and he commanded them not to partake of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. The catch was, in order to multiply and replenish the earth, they had to partake of the fruit. They basically had to break one commandment to keep another. And until they broke the one commandment, they were stuck. They could not progress. They could not know good from bad or move God's plan forward.

In some ways I feel like I can relate to these conflicting commandments. In this life I am commanded to learn and grow and progress and make decisions and act rather than be acted upon. I am supposed to learn to love. The two great commandments are to love my neighbor as myself and to love God. We often talk about the loving your neighbor and loving God part, but hardly do we mention the "as thyself" part. Before we can love others, we must first learn to love ourselves. Well, I am also commanded by church leaders to live a celibate life- never fully accepting my sexuality or acting on my emotional, social, and sexual desires for a monogamous, intimate relationship with another man.

If I were to choose that path- choose to live a life without companionship- I would be much like Adam and Eve before they took of the fruit. Stuck. Sure, I would be innocent and right in the eyes of the church- but I wouldn't be able to grow and learn in ways that you can only do when you give someone your heart, your soul, someone you vow to share your life with, raise children with, etc.

Once I got to a certain point in life... probably age 21 (post-mission), I reached a plateau in many ways. For three years I found myself trying to move in some direction- any direction would be better than standing still. But I couldn't. It wasn't until I accepted my sexuality, and then soon after decided that I could love that part of me, that I began to move again. It was only after accepting that I was gay and realizing that that was okay, that I could love myself, which opened up the doors to loving others and to understanding Gods love for me and my love for him. It opened up possibilities in my future for endless growth and learning as I sought to find someone I loved to spend my life with and raise a family with. Possibilities that wouldn't exist had I decided to live a celibate life.

So perhaps you will judge me. Maybe you condemn me for breaking a commandment. But if breaking this one commandment means that I can keep many more while learning to love and be loved and enjoy life rather than waiting for death to rid me of this wretched curse (which I don't believe will happen, nor do I still consider my sexuality a curse), then so be it. And if this is what you mean by me "choosing" my sexuality, then yes- I guess by that definition, I have chosen it. I have allowed the atonement to work in my life in a way that has healed me of the self-hatred, the embarrassment, the shame, and the constant feelings that I had been cursed by man, by nature and by God. I have chosen to let Christ help me grow through accepting my sexuality and realize that it is a blessing, not a curse. I have allowed Christ to expand my ability to love and be loved by accepting me for who I am, for the person that I was created to be. I have chosen life. And you know what? I am not ashamed of having made that decision. I know that I am a better person because of it. So condemn me until they day I die. Try and block my path and place impossible obstacles in my way. Increase the odds against me. Because none of that matters when I know that my God approves of the way I have chosen to live due to my increased capacity to love, to serve, and to understand. And that knowledge is all I need to fuel my drive to knock down those barriers, overcome those obstacles, and beat the odds.

ARG: Homosexuality- The Defining Issue for the LDS Church?

I've been doing a bit of thinking lately (I know, sorry- I try not to. Really) about why it is so difficult for members to understand homosexuality and begin to build bridges over the gaps of their ignorance on the issue. Honestly, I am baffled sometimes when people don't realize what is happening. I feel certain if others knew what I knew, if they have seen the things I've seen surrounding this issue, they simply could not make changes in their thinking and still claim to be a compassionate, loving human being. Yet, no matter what kind of friendship we've had or what experiences or true stories I tell, the majority of people refuse to look anywhere but through the tunnel approved to them by the church. Then I realized that by asking them to understand, I ask so much more than that. It is really asking them to question everything they believe.

Lets say that I am completely 100% right in my thoughts/feelings/understanding of homosexuality (I would never make such a claim by the way). If that were so, and a typical, faithful member of the church came to that same conclusion, their world is likely to fall apart. If leaders are wrong about this, how do we know they aren't wrong about A or B or C... etc. By asking them to understand, I am asking them to question everything they believe. It is much more simple to say- "I follow the prophets, everything they say is true, and you are an apostate," and cast all of the word vomit away as if it were a devil. To open it up for real discussion and debate in one's mind would be to risk falling into a black hole where certainty is non-existent.

For this reason, I really feel as though homosexuality will be the defining issue for the church. The fallout from the churches stance and political involvement has already been too great to know. It won't be long before gay marriage is legalized. Once that happens, it won't be long until public opinion changes as people begin to realize they work with, learn with, live with, play with, and depend on people in their lives who are gay. And then the church will have to really think about its stance. You may say, well- "this has already happened with polygamy and blacks and the priesthood, those things didn't really become 'defining moments.'" Let me tell you how this issue is different.

The internet. The accessibility of information. The world-wide church. We aren't talking about a small organization with little influence and publicity anymore. The world won't accept a 30-year lag after society has made up their minds about what is right and civil about marriage like they did after deciding what was right and civil about the color of skin. The church is still suffering repercussions on the issue of blacks on the priesthood, but it will be nothing like the issue of homosexuality/gay marriage.

In my eyes, the church has two options, both having complex consequences:

1. The church maintains its stance on homosexuality and its in-hospitality toward those who choose to embrace their orientation (as the "core characteristic" that Elder Oaks says it is) and move forward with their life. The consequences of this, as society continues to realize the prejudice and bias that is the root of the unjust treatment of homosexuals, will be more broken families, wards, and testimonies.  It will mean less converts, more members leaving, and poorer world image. Mormons will become even more isolated and "elite." The church will loose many ward organists, choir members, performers, and other talented members who serve the church in ways that touch people who otherwise would not be touched by the spirit of their message.

ARG: Elder Oaks & Elder Wickman on SGA - Part 4

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: So you are saying that homosexual feelings are controllable?

ELDER OAKS: Yes, homosexual feelings are controllable. Perhaps there is an inclination or susceptibility to such feelings that is a reality for some and not a reality for others. But out of such susceptibilities come feelings, and feelings are controllable. If we cater to the feelings, they increase the power of the temptation. If we yield to the temptation, we have committed sinful behavior. That pattern is the same for a person that covets someone else’s property and has a strong temptation to steal. It’s the same for a person that develops a taste for alcohol. It’s the same for a person that is born with a ‘short fuse,’ as we would say of a susceptibility to anger. If they let that susceptibility remain uncontrolled, it becomes a feeling of anger, and a feeling of anger can yield to behavior that is sinful and illegal.

We’re not talking about a unique challenge here. We’re talking about a common condition of mortality. We don’t understand exactly the ‘why,’ or the extent to which there are inclinations or susceptibilities and so on. But what we do know is that feelings can be controlled and behavior can be controlled. The line of sin is between the feelings and the behavior. The line of prudence is between the susceptibility and the feelings. We need to lay hold on the feelings and try to control them to keep us from getting into a circumstance that leads to sinful behavior.

ELDER WICKMAN: One of the great sophistries of our age, I think, is that merely because one has an inclination to do something, that therefore acting in accordance with that inclination is inevitable. That’s contrary to our very nature as the Lord has revealed to us. We do have the power to control our behavior.



---------------------------------

ME: I guess I fundamentally disagree here with Elder Oaks when he says that feelings are controllable. In fact, I feel like the church itself disagrees with this idea. When we are taught about how the spirit (the holy ghost) speaks to us, are we not told by modern-day prophets that he speaks through our thoughts and feelings? If thoughts and feelings are controllable, that that would mean that we are the operator behind thoughts and feelings, not the holy ghost. Therefore, we (not the Holy Ghost) make ourselves feel and think that certain things are right or wrong.

When my sister got in a bad 4-wheeling accident, I couldn’t help the feelings of panic and fear that I had. I didn’t know if she’d live or if she’d be severely handicapped. If my mother died today, I couldn’t control my feelings of utter sadness and shock. I could not help feeling attraction to the guy that was sitting a table away in the restaurant I was eating at last night. Can a heterosexual help that he or she finds themselves physically attracted to an extraordinarily beautiful member of the opposite sex? No. Whether he or she acts on it or vocalizes that attraction is independent of the fact that the feelings of attraction are there.

Now, I do believe we can exercise restraint as we handle those feelings, but it doesn’t change the feeling. I could feel angry enough at someone that I want to punch them in the face. I can restrain myself from punching them, but that doesn’t mean I’ve changed the feelings of anger I have that make me want to hurt the person. (ps- I’m not a violent person. I’ve never punched a person in my life. I’m the kind of guy that sets an insect free outside after capturing it inside).

ARG: Elder Oaks & Elder Wickman on SGA - Part 3

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: If somebody has a very powerful heterosexual drive, there is the opportunity for marriage. If a young man thinks he’s gay, what we’re really saying to him is that there is simply no other way to go but to be celibate for the rest of his life if he doesn’t feel any attraction to women?

ELDER OAKS: That is exactly the same thing we say to the many members who don’t have the opportunity to marry. We expect celibacy of any person that is not married.

ELDER WICKMAN: We live in a society which is so saturated with sexuality that it perhaps is more troublesome now, because of that fact, for a person to look beyond their gender orientation to other aspects of who they are. I think I would say to your son or anyone that was so afflicted to strive to expand your horizons beyond simply gender orientation. Find fulfillment in the many other facets of your character and your personality and your nature that extend beyond that. There’s no denial that one’s gender orientation is certainly a core characteristic of any person, but it’s not the only one.

What’s more, merely having inclinations does not disqualify one for any aspect of Church participation or membership, except possibly marriage as has already been talked about. But even that, in the fullness of life as we understand it through the doctrines of the restored gospel, eventually can become possible.

In this life, such things as service in the Church, including missionary service, all of this is available to anyone who is true to covenants and commandments.

--------------------------

ME: The church is definitely not asking the same thing of gay members as they are single members. If you are a single, heterosexual member, the church bends over backwards to encourage and facilitate dating and marriage. They organize singles wards, singles activities, singles firesides. Dating is encouraged and even commanded (by some bishops). People are excited for you when you are dating and when you find someone you want to spend your life with. As a heterosexual, single adult, you always have the hope of finding “the one” and the support of the church.

Now, lets consider a single gay member. You are commanded to break all ties with gay friends and dissolve any relationships you may have with other gay people. You are not only not encouraged to date, but told that you can’t. Your situation is “put away” so that others don’t have to be made uncomfortable by your attractions. You are expected to accept and understand that you will live a celibate life- even if you did meet the person of your dreams. There is no hope given to you for marriage to a person you love. In fact, the church actively fights against your ability to marry the person you love. Basically, you are asked to wait until death to find real love. You live life waiting for it to end.

Elder Wickman is right. “Gender orientation is a core characteristic of any person.”  As such, you cannot simply ask someone to ignore it in favor of other “core characteristics” any more than you can ask a tree to ignore sun in favor of earth and water or ignore water in favor of earth and sun. Saying it is core means that it is fundamental to our existence. By extinguishing something that is core to us, we extinguish life. Our vital organs are core. We cannot shut down our heart or lungs or brain without shutting down our life.

Finally, if you are going to tach that attractions or “inclinations” as Elder Wickman calls them, do not disqualify you for any aspect of church service, please practice that. Why is it that many of my friends have had to go through extreme difficulties in trying to serve a mission? They have never acted on their inclinations. Yet they need special interviews, special approvals, etc. They must put their life on hold while the church comes to a decision on whether they can go. One friend is now on week 11 in waiting for an answer. Every week he is sure it will be the week he will receive his call. Every week he is disappointed. This is one of many examples where there is a discrepancy between what you teach and what you do.