I put together some of the footage from the vigil that took place in Salt Lake City to show support and solidarity for Kate Kelly.
24 June 2014
18 June 2014
A House Defiled: Excommunication
All one needs to do to read up on the recent court summons of two of the most well-known progressive voices in the Mormon Church is to google search the names of Kate Kelly, founder of Ordain Women, and John Dehlin, founder of Mormon Stories. The story has received national coverage and has blown up online. What first began as a collective outcry at the possible threat of excommunication of voices that advocate for greater transparency, acceptance, equality, and big-tent Mormonism which would make all feel welcome, has become a war of words and rhetoric within the church. Every day there are more blog posts and editorials pushing back on more progressive members of the Church saying, in effect, "step in line or get out." This is my attempt at a rebuttal to all those who agree with threatening these individuals and those like them with disciplinary action and possible excommunication.
First, I think it is important to mention that, although both Kate and John have been grouped together in this story, they don't necessarily share the same positions on everything. But nonetheless, they are progressive voices in a rigidly conservative Church who are asking for greater openness, inclusion, and equality.
The argument I hear over and over against women and the priesthood is that women are not any more or less valued in the church. That they are given "different, but equal roles." It shocks me to read the words of women promoting this idea of "different but equal." One would have thought we already learned from history that "separate but equal" turns out not to be so equal after all.
One of the many problems with this idea that the roles are equal is this:
Women's roles are always connected to men. Men, or should I say boys, get the priesthood at age 12, regardless of their affiliation with women. Even I, a gay man who will never be married to a woman, received the priesthood at age 12 because, well, "that's just how it works."
Women are told in the church that their greatest role is that of a mother. The immediate problem with this is that not all women get to be mothers. When they are able to be mothers, it is required by the church that they marry a man. They must also be fertile and have no health issues related to child bearing or else have the resources and time to go through adoption agencies.
On the one hand you have boys who really just need to show up to church after the age of 12 to receive their role. In the other, women must find a man, marry him, grow a child for nine months, and then give birth to receive their's. But that won't change the fact that they will be defined by their husbands position in the church. Always the bishop's wife, never the bishop. As if they were somehow Ill-equipped to handle such a role.
In the recent KUER interview, PR representative of the church was asked, "Where in Mormon doctrine does it state that women cannot hold the priesthood?" After all, there are many accounts in the early church of women "exercising the priesthood" by laying on hands on the sick (and oxen), conducted washing and annointings in the upper room of Joseph's Nauvoo store, the Nauvoo temple, and all subsequent temples, and passed on the priesthood to their sons when their husbands had died.
After the PR representative tried to avoid answering the question for awhile and after the interviewer pressed her for an answer to the simple question, she finally obliged.
Her answer was, "it doesn't."
So, if it is not doctrine, and if there are women across the world in the church that truly feel that they have been moved upon by the spirit to talk about this issue, as many of them have stated- even going as far as citing their patriarchal blessing, why is Kate Kelly being punished for asking leaders to hear their plea? And if it is not doctrine, where has she "led people astray" in asking to be included in the priesthood?
There is a huge problem in the church right now. As Paul Toscano puts it in his book, The Sanctity of Dissent, "...the modern LDS church has become crushingly legalistic. It emphasizes strict adherence to rules. It sees righteousness and spirituality in terms of church membership. It teaches that one's standing before God depends on one's loyalty and obedience to the men in charge. In practice, it contradicts Jesus' teachings that we should have no masters."
"The ecclesiastical bureaucracy doubts the power of God to spiritually transform the rank and file members of the world-wide church. It sees itself as a spiritual elite whose primary duty is to reinforce true worship. So it makes additions to the gospel message. It makes up rules. It promises those who obey them that they will become citadels of rectitude safe from the vicissitudes of life. For this reason, in the modern church to avoid sin is a more certain course than to repent, to judge rightly more serviceable than to forgive, and to follow the Brethren more reliable than to follow the spirit."
In other words, the church today has become as guilty of the Pharisees of old, measuring the limits of their garment lines, the modesty of the outfits of their 6 year olds, pointing out at the sinners of the world from inside their bunker of belief, drawing black and white lines through the grey of real life, all the while shunning the lepers of our day and ensuring that anyone who dares to question their ridged set of policies and teachings and beliefs is labeled the enemy while they build multi-billion dollar malls and invest in for-profit endeavors across the world. You are looking at the modern day appearance of the Pharisees of old- the ones Christ called hypocrites and liars. They profess the name of Christ and teach of his power but don't actually believe God might work in ways other than through their ridged bureaucracy of public relations committees, legal entities, and multi-million dollar advertising agencies.
John and Kate and others like them are members of the church that are trying to get people to wake up and realize that the church has become co-opted by corporate white male America and has wandered quite a distance from the true message of Christ who called ALL unto him and who spent his time, not with the religious leaders and the self-proclaimed "righteous" of the day, but with the lepers and the adulterers and the outcasts and the poor. They are trying to get people to see how they have become a church that excludes anyone that would dare be different. That Christ might not be pleased with an isolationist "peculiar people" who are overwhelmingly republican, insist on American culture and ideals the world over, refuse to let their children play at non-mormon houses, file legal briefs against the validity of loving, committed relationships, discourage anyone from reading anything about the church that is not published by it, and label any piece of literature that shed less than positive light on the church as "anti-mormon." These are the people are trying to pop the bubble that is preventing the real message of Christ to permeate the world and cross the boundaries of differences and the concept of "the other," and the leadership is threatened by potential loss of control- so they label them apostates.
As long as this is the method of the church bureaucracy- a constant flow of carefully constructed PR statements and risk-management, the silencing and banishing of differing opinions, ideas and legitimate criticism, it will never "fill the earth." The earth is made up of very different individuals with very different experiences, talents, cultural backgrounds, and ideas. If one of us is god's child, we all are, and each of our voices are important. If anything, these progressive voices are the only hope in taking the message of the church to the world. The numbers are showing that the Church's current methods simply are not working and it is because they have insisted on creating small little boxes that everyone must fit into to be welcome.
The defenders of these excommunications often argue, "this isn't a democracy." But no one is asking this to be put to vote. You're right, it isn't a democracy, but the leaders do proclaim the power of the spirit to work in each of us. The leadership has effectively high-jacked the power of the spirit by saying, "you can be moved or taught by the spirit, but only if the spirit confirms what we say." It isn't a democracy, but it isn't a dictatorship either. It claims to be Christ's church, yet denies the power Christ has to work in the lives of every individual no matter what they look like, how differently from you they sin, who they love, where they live, or how educated they are.
The defenders of these excommunications often argue, "this isn't a democracy." But no one is asking this to be put to vote. You're right, it isn't a democracy, but the leaders do proclaim the power of the spirit to work in each of us. The leadership has effectively high-jacked the power of the spirit by saying, "you can be moved or taught by the spirit, but only if the spirit confirms what we say." It isn't a democracy, but it isn't a dictatorship either. It claims to be Christ's church, yet denies the power Christ has to work in the lives of every individual no matter what they look like, how differently from you they sin, who they love, where they live, or how educated they are.
The Word of Wisdom was born out of constant complaints from Emma about the mess she had to clean up after the men. The Relief Society was a born out of a group of women who organized independently and wrote up a constitution which they later brought before Joseph Smith who adopted it into the church. The program known as "mutual" was created by members in one stake which got the attention of church leaders who adopted it into the church. One cannot say there is no precedence for independently inspired members to organize and start something new.
The leadership of the church is necessarily limited by their own life experiences which filter their understanding of the world, just like we are all limited by our own unique experience. Isn't it interesting that arguably the most beloved current leader is the only one not from white Mormon America- he's from Germany. Why does he seem so refreshing? Most of them come from a homogeneous background where the church has always been at the center of life. Do people from other walks of life not have anything to offer? A different experience or life-lesson learned that would help them see things that others might not? Might the businessmen and lawyers and doctors who make up the leadership be influenced by their elite status in society? Might not people from other walks of life be able to see things in a way that would allude the leadership?
But no. The leadership denies that the spirit could possibly move upon the membership of the church if it would say anything different from them. Well, perhaps this growing movement is exactly that- the spirit working in the church to correct the course of a house defiled.
The leadership of the church is necessarily limited by their own life experiences which filter their understanding of the world, just like we are all limited by our own unique experience. Isn't it interesting that arguably the most beloved current leader is the only one not from white Mormon America- he's from Germany. Why does he seem so refreshing? Most of them come from a homogeneous background where the church has always been at the center of life. Do people from other walks of life not have anything to offer? A different experience or life-lesson learned that would help them see things that others might not? Might the businessmen and lawyers and doctors who make up the leadership be influenced by their elite status in society? Might not people from other walks of life be able to see things in a way that would allude the leadership?
But no. The leadership denies that the spirit could possibly move upon the membership of the church if it would say anything different from them. Well, perhaps this growing movement is exactly that- the spirit working in the church to correct the course of a house defiled.
George Albert Smith
"If a faith will not bear to be investigated; if its preachers and professors are afraid to have it examined, their foundation must be very weak."
-Journal of Discourses, Volume 14, Page 216
Joseph Smith
"I did not like the old man being called up for erring in doctrine. It looks too much like the Methodist, and not like the Latter-day Saints. Methodists have creeds which a man must believe or be asked out of their church. I want the liberty of thinking and believing as I please. It feels so good not to be trammeled. It does not prove that a man is not a good man because he errs in doctrine."
-History of the Church, 5:340
Brigham Young
“I am more afraid that this people have so much confidence in their leaders that they will not inquire for themselves of God whether they are led by him. I am fearful they settle down in a state of blind self security. Let every man and woman know, by the whispering of the Spirit of God to themselves, whether their leaders are walking in the path the Lord dictates, or not."
-Discourses of Brigham Young, sel. John A. Widtsoe [1954], 135
Further Reading:
I borrowed some vivid imagery painted by another blogger who wrote an awesome essay called, "The Uncomfortable God." Read it when you have the chance and be amazed.
Back From the Dead
Almost two years since my last blog entry. Its interesting how time seems to fade away at a faster and faster pace the older we get. It proves that time is so relative and sheds light on just how short our time on this planet is in the grand scheme of things. I mean, we live in a universe that is almost 14 billion years old on a planet that is 4.5 billion years old. What's 100 years?
After stepping away from Mormonism and feeling like I had handed in all interest in the subject with my resignation, I took some time to process my rage. Leaving the Church is what allowed me to start processing my grief. According to the Kubler-Ross Model of the stages of grief, there are 5 distinct parts. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I can see myself in these stages both in accepting myself as a gay man and in accepting the reality of my relationship with Mormonism and of my place in it. I'd like to think that I have overcome much of the anger and resentment I felt concerning the Church and what it did to me and my self-worth. I don't know if I will ever be fully mended. I feel hopeful that the wounds will heal, but I have found that some of those wounds cut pretty deep. Regardless, the scars will always appear on my soul.
One might ask, and in fact many have, "why do you even care anymore?" It is a valid question and I have an answer, but that will need to wait for another day. For now, let it suffice to say that, no, it isn't because deep down I really know it is true. I hold to my agnostic approach to all things mysterious and I feel quite comfortable with the phrase, "I don't know."
My continued courtship with Mormonism has been one of cautious skepticism. I try to rely on facts- things I know to be true- as I navigate the waters that were once my home. As I have done this, it has become somewhat of a hobby. It is fascinating to study the events that led to my experience in the church as a gay youth and young man. I have found that I still have much to say. Whether or not people find what I have to say interesting or useful (or whether or not they find these words at all) is not important. I thought for a long time that it would be deceiving to blog under a title that suggests I am LDS. But I have resolved to be perfectly clear and upfront about my relationship with the church while also conveying the message that you can take this boy out of Mormonism, but you can't take Mormonism out of this boy.
And so, I begin a new chapter of "In These Gay Mormon Shoes."
05 November 2012
ART: New Gay Mormon Film- The Falls
As far as I understand it, this is Jon Garcia's second film. Although he is not Mormon himself, a good friend from Idaho shared his story and Garcia related a lot to it. It was that story that inspired this film.
Synopsis:
Being raised in a typical Mormon home in Idaho, RJ leaves for his full-time mission in Oregon where he and his companion, Elder Harris seek out those that may hear the message of their faith. As they work through the good and bad experiences of an LDS mission, they find themselves falling into a forbidden love for one another.
My Thoughts:
I really enjoyed the film's raw feel. I felt it was really pretty accurate as far as mission life is concerned- not perfect, but more real than other depictions I have seen. I found myself having flashbacks to my own mission. The characters were at first, awkward. I found that I interpreted that quirkiness as amateur acting until I sort of found myself really liking the little oddities of each of the characters. My skepticism disappeared as I got to know the characters better.
The film spends a lot of time on life as missionary companions before it begins to explore the love story. I enjoy slower paced, thoughtful films and so I enjoyed the pace of this one. I was a pretty straight-arrow kid and it would have been much harder to imagine two elders getting romantically involved if it hadn't spent time on developing their relationship as companions.
The film definitely did not have an agenda. I was expecting some snarky commentary on the Mormon Church, but the film did a really amazing job at being really pretty fair. I don't feel the Church was demonized in any way. In fact, if anything it was more accurate at depicting the Church than it was at depicting a gay Mormon's experience within the Church.
I don't mean to say that it favored the Church or it's position on gay issues, but I feel that it didn't do complete justice to the magnitude of the contradiction that is a gay Mormon. The costs didn't seem as high in the film as they are in real life. The internal struggle wasn't as tangible.
In the last part of the film, RJ speaks with his Stake President. This was a really really great moment. It was very moving. In someways I put myself into RJ and allowed him to say what I wish I could have said. It also brought back memories of the feelings of betrayal and neglect that I felt as I came to accept myself for who I am. It was a bittersweet moment of the film that will stay vividly in my mind.
I'd love to discuss more because I think there is a very interesting exchange between the two companions that I feel is very real in the Gay-Mormon community having to do with self-righteous validation, but I don't want to give away too much of the film. So watch for it in the coming months- especially you indie-film lovers.
20 October 2012
THT: Mormons Building Bridges Revisited
My previous post about MBB received a lot of comments. I have read arguments on both sides of the spectrum. There are extreme opinions on either side, and there are also well thought out ones. I feel that I should put a final word in on the matter now that I have had the opportunity to talk to and read comments from people on both sides of the issue.
It was not my intention to make it sound like MBB does nothing good. It was my intention to bring to light some of the bad that has resulted from the actions of the group. I felt that the attention that was being given was unfairly biased and did not take into account the many negative experiences people in the community have had with it. I felt like someone should speak out and give a voice to those people. It is obvious that many people had a lot of things they wanted to add to the discussion and that this was a real issue for a lot of people.
Having said that, I want to talk about some of the comments I feel were fair and affirming as far as MBB is concerned in general terms. I'm going to break down the positive aspects of the group and discuss each briefly:
SAFETY
Quite a few people expressed fear when they first joined MBB. They were afraid that their membership would be at stake and they didn't know what repercussions would be due to their alignment with a group that promoted understanding when it came to LGBT issues.
INTRODUCTORY
There were also many people who described the group as the reason they began learning more about LGBT issues. It was described as being a "stepping stone" rather than a "final resting place." A group that would get people's feet wet with the issues rather than diving into the deep end of a pool so-to-speak. It was described as "the primary approach" or the "milk before meat."
INFORMATIVE
People also talked about it being a place where they were first exposed to the idea that LGBT youth were being harmed in LDS environments and that whatever was happening wasn't working. One woman said, "Recently, I've spent hours each week trying to understand. Most of that is in the form of listening and reading--connecting to others and trying to understand. In our family, those efforts are translating into training materials for our stake.
INSIDE-OUT APPROACH
As one woman said, "we are still in the church and trying to effect change from where we are. The equality groups are mostly outside the church and are trying to effect change from there." Another said, "I stay because I feel like I can help bring about change from the inside"
-----------------
I believe that all these things are good. I would not argue against them. Having said that, I don't appreciate those who commented with a condescending attitude that brought issues such as my age or maturity into play. Personal attacks might help you dismiss what a person says, but it doesn't make your argument any stronger.
Now, let me recap some of the arguments that show that MBB has hurt the LGBT community:
CENSORSHIP
Many people commented on their personal experiences with censorship. Comments about marriage equality or comments promoting changes in the Church's official positions on the issue were targets. A lot of these people also talked about feeling bullied and unwelcome when they made these kinds of comments both by the group moderators and members. Some were even banned from the group.
BROKEN AGREEMENTS
In the early formation of the group, many agreements were dismissed - "They asked Utah Mormons for Marriage Equality to "stand down" and just make one big march, with the promise they'd promote already planned, but later-occurring marches after we went to a great deal of effort to promote the SLC march, including inviting hundreds of people personally and After SLC's march was over, they used the attention for self-promotion, and mentioned nary a word about Mormons for Marriage Equality. Nobody could even be referred to Mormons for Marriage Equality via their forum. Nobody was allowed to say that we even existed and they refused to follow through on their promise to promote our marches in exchange for the work we'd done for them."
THE MODERATE PROBLEM
A quote by Martin Luther King Jr. was shared to demonstrate the feeling many got from MBB. He wrote it in response to the "White Moderate" and what their efforts were doing to the civil rights movement. "I must make two honest confessions to you, my Christian and Jewish brothers. First, I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Councilor or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says, "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another mans freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro the wait for a "more convenient season." Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating that absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection."
DISHONEST
At the original march, they prevented anyone who wanted to march in the parade with a sign supporting rights or equality from participating even though they had asked that other groups who supported equality to stand down and join their march. Those who marched were to wear "Sunday best" to look like Mormons, though many of them were inactive or no longer members. To the spectator, it would seem like a group of active LDS people who were affirming the LGBT community. Reports on the march resulted in many falsely believing that the LDS Church was a safe and affirming place for LGBT people including one lesbian couple with a daughter who thought they should check it out and start attending.
---------------
One thing to note is that the affirming comments were mostly from heterosexual individuals who are active members while negative comments tended to come from members of the LGBT community who have different levels of affiliation to the church.
----------------
CONCLUSION
I don't know that my conclusion has changed, but perhaps now I can articulate it better. MBB is great for active, heterosexual "beginners." It is bad when it tries to step into the public eye as a Mormon to LGBT outreach group. Since it is a place where people feel a little hesitant to even be a member in fear of repercussions, I would argue that it would be better if it wasn't so public (ie marching in Pride). These people obviously feel a certain level of discomfort when talking about LGBT issues. They want to learn more about the issues and hopefully gain the resources and courage necessary to begin having conversations with others in their social circles. They don't want to risk loosing friends or family over the issue, and definitely don't want to risk membership. That is fine. It is a good "AA" type group for Mormons with closeted interest in LBGT issues.
However, when it promotes the idea that it is connecting Mormons to the LGBT community by showing love, support, and understanding- THAT is where the problems begin. LGBT people get involved thinking it will be mutually beneficial and uplifting. But soon they realize that they don't have a say in how people show them love, support, and understanding. They feel like they have no voice. They feel like they are being demonized by members who consider it preposterous to suggest that they march for things like marriage equality. In the meantime, the press gets the wrong idea about the group. It is touted as being an outreach/support group for the LGBT community headed by Mormons, when in-fact, it is a support group for Mormons headed by LGBT (or at least LGBT-friendly) Mormons. This is great, but it shouldn't promote a false image. It is that farce that does harm. Just as any gay boy or girl knows, when we pretend to be someone we aren't, monumental damage can and will ensue.
Just as the woman quoted above said, "we are still in the church and trying to effect change from where we are. The equality groups are mostly outside the church and are trying to effect change from there." So, that being said- do not try and be both. In my opinion, MBB should either be the quite and constant support from within, or be the energized, fully-affirming voice that is needed outside. But by trying to be both, it is diluting the external pressure that institutions like the LDS church and Utah government NEED to feel. They NEED to know that we are not simply asking for kindness, we are demanding full equality. Government WILL respond. It is only a matter of time. And once we are equal under the law, the Church will likely follow (albeit reluctantly) in the years to follow. The MBB "voice from within" can help ease that last step, but if it tries to become the voice on the outside- as it has been- is will set both movements back.
It was not my intention to make it sound like MBB does nothing good. It was my intention to bring to light some of the bad that has resulted from the actions of the group. I felt that the attention that was being given was unfairly biased and did not take into account the many negative experiences people in the community have had with it. I felt like someone should speak out and give a voice to those people. It is obvious that many people had a lot of things they wanted to add to the discussion and that this was a real issue for a lot of people.
Having said that, I want to talk about some of the comments I feel were fair and affirming as far as MBB is concerned in general terms. I'm going to break down the positive aspects of the group and discuss each briefly:
SAFETY
Quite a few people expressed fear when they first joined MBB. They were afraid that their membership would be at stake and they didn't know what repercussions would be due to their alignment with a group that promoted understanding when it came to LGBT issues.
INTRODUCTORY
There were also many people who described the group as the reason they began learning more about LGBT issues. It was described as being a "stepping stone" rather than a "final resting place." A group that would get people's feet wet with the issues rather than diving into the deep end of a pool so-to-speak. It was described as "the primary approach" or the "milk before meat."
INFORMATIVE
People also talked about it being a place where they were first exposed to the idea that LGBT youth were being harmed in LDS environments and that whatever was happening wasn't working. One woman said, "Recently, I've spent hours each week trying to understand. Most of that is in the form of listening and reading--connecting to others and trying to understand. In our family, those efforts are translating into training materials for our stake.
INSIDE-OUT APPROACH
As one woman said, "we are still in the church and trying to effect change from where we are. The equality groups are mostly outside the church and are trying to effect change from there." Another said, "I stay because I feel like I can help bring about change from the inside"
-----------------
I believe that all these things are good. I would not argue against them. Having said that, I don't appreciate those who commented with a condescending attitude that brought issues such as my age or maturity into play. Personal attacks might help you dismiss what a person says, but it doesn't make your argument any stronger.
Now, let me recap some of the arguments that show that MBB has hurt the LGBT community:
CENSORSHIP
Many people commented on their personal experiences with censorship. Comments about marriage equality or comments promoting changes in the Church's official positions on the issue were targets. A lot of these people also talked about feeling bullied and unwelcome when they made these kinds of comments both by the group moderators and members. Some were even banned from the group.
BROKEN AGREEMENTS
In the early formation of the group, many agreements were dismissed - "They asked Utah Mormons for Marriage Equality to "stand down" and just make one big march, with the promise they'd promote already planned, but later-occurring marches after we went to a great deal of effort to promote the SLC march, including inviting hundreds of people personally and After SLC's march was over, they used the attention for self-promotion, and mentioned nary a word about Mormons for Marriage Equality. Nobody could even be referred to Mormons for Marriage Equality via their forum. Nobody was allowed to say that we even existed and they refused to follow through on their promise to promote our marches in exchange for the work we'd done for them."
THE MODERATE PROBLEM
A quote by Martin Luther King Jr. was shared to demonstrate the feeling many got from MBB. He wrote it in response to the "White Moderate" and what their efforts were doing to the civil rights movement. "I must make two honest confessions to you, my Christian and Jewish brothers. First, I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Councilor or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says, "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another mans freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro the wait for a "more convenient season." Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating that absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection."
DISHONEST
At the original march, they prevented anyone who wanted to march in the parade with a sign supporting rights or equality from participating even though they had asked that other groups who supported equality to stand down and join their march. Those who marched were to wear "Sunday best" to look like Mormons, though many of them were inactive or no longer members. To the spectator, it would seem like a group of active LDS people who were affirming the LGBT community. Reports on the march resulted in many falsely believing that the LDS Church was a safe and affirming place for LGBT people including one lesbian couple with a daughter who thought they should check it out and start attending.
---------------
One thing to note is that the affirming comments were mostly from heterosexual individuals who are active members while negative comments tended to come from members of the LGBT community who have different levels of affiliation to the church.
----------------
CONCLUSION
I don't know that my conclusion has changed, but perhaps now I can articulate it better. MBB is great for active, heterosexual "beginners." It is bad when it tries to step into the public eye as a Mormon to LGBT outreach group. Since it is a place where people feel a little hesitant to even be a member in fear of repercussions, I would argue that it would be better if it wasn't so public (ie marching in Pride). These people obviously feel a certain level of discomfort when talking about LGBT issues. They want to learn more about the issues and hopefully gain the resources and courage necessary to begin having conversations with others in their social circles. They don't want to risk loosing friends or family over the issue, and definitely don't want to risk membership. That is fine. It is a good "AA" type group for Mormons with closeted interest in LBGT issues.
However, when it promotes the idea that it is connecting Mormons to the LGBT community by showing love, support, and understanding- THAT is where the problems begin. LGBT people get involved thinking it will be mutually beneficial and uplifting. But soon they realize that they don't have a say in how people show them love, support, and understanding. They feel like they have no voice. They feel like they are being demonized by members who consider it preposterous to suggest that they march for things like marriage equality. In the meantime, the press gets the wrong idea about the group. It is touted as being an outreach/support group for the LGBT community headed by Mormons, when in-fact, it is a support group for Mormons headed by LGBT (or at least LGBT-friendly) Mormons. This is great, but it shouldn't promote a false image. It is that farce that does harm. Just as any gay boy or girl knows, when we pretend to be someone we aren't, monumental damage can and will ensue.
Just as the woman quoted above said, "we are still in the church and trying to effect change from where we are. The equality groups are mostly outside the church and are trying to effect change from there." So, that being said- do not try and be both. In my opinion, MBB should either be the quite and constant support from within, or be the energized, fully-affirming voice that is needed outside. But by trying to be both, it is diluting the external pressure that institutions like the LDS church and Utah government NEED to feel. They NEED to know that we are not simply asking for kindness, we are demanding full equality. Government WILL respond. It is only a matter of time. And once we are equal under the law, the Church will likely follow (albeit reluctantly) in the years to follow. The MBB "voice from within" can help ease that last step, but if it tries to become the voice on the outside- as it has been- is will set both movements back.
15 October 2012
THT: Shame on Dallin Oaks
My last post received a lot of comments from both sides of the issue I talked about. I plan on responding to the comments and attention that the subject drew. I think there were good and bad arguments on both sides of the issue. But first- Oaks.
My first real impression of Oaks as a man was at BYU. I worked for the Office of Information Technology in the lighting branch of the Multimedia Events department. Our little team did the lighting for all sorts of events, from EFY dances to awards ceremonies to concerts to CES Firesides. (It is funny now to think that I ran the lighting for some of those firesides in the Marriot Center). Anyway, at one particularly high-end dinner/awards program, Oaks was one of several General Authorities in attendance. I remember watching him from the mezzanine. People were finding their seats as the program was about to start and his wife was still chatting it up with people by their table. Dallin Oaks (believing his wife to be behind him), pulled his wife's chair out and when he realized she was talking to people he just stood and waited patiently behind the chair. She was one of the last to wrap up conversation before sitting down and Oaks, of course, kindly scooted her chair in after she sat before taking his seat.
I share this story because I don't want people to think that I have completely vilified the leaders of the LDS Church in my mind. I know that many of them (maybe all?) are decent guys and if they were simply another person on the street, they would likely be likeable enough to just about anyone. However, they are not like a random person that you might happen to bump into. They proclaim themselves to be the voice of God. And people can say what they want about them being "imperfect men," but lets be honest with ourselves. We look into history at any mistake a past "prophet" made and we say, "he was only a man." Brigham Young for example. Mormons are quick to acknowledge that he was imperfect and made many mistakes and had questionable judgement. But if you even suggest that a current prophet is wrong, it is blasphemy. And not only are they treated like, as one facebook friend proclaimed during General Conference, "surrogates for the Lord," they are also treated like celebrities.
And as much a people would like to say that this is just a cultural issue, and not one that is perpetuated by the leaders themselves, it simply isn't true. You are not encouraged to question the teachings of President Monson. You are not told to read the ensign with a critical eye. What we are encouraged to do is "follow the prophet." So when someone in that position teaches false principles and ideas- it is dangerous. And as sweet as it was that Dallin Oaks pulled his wife's chair out for her, there is no excuse for an educated man who's words hundreds of thousands will interpret as scripture to say things of the nature that he did in General Conference. I don't know how his talk could be any more hypocritical.
He talks about the evils of victimizing children and selfish adult-interests while at the same time demonstrating that equation. How is re-enforcing the idea that single parents are less fit to raise children good for the children in single parent homes? How is making the already guilt-ridden woman haunted by her teenaged decision to abort her child feel evil make her feel valued and loved? And how the hell does telling people to "ASSUME" that same-sex couples with children are incapable, selfish, child-abusing parents do anything to help that child make friends in school and in their communities?
I'm sorry, are you telling us Mr. Oaks, that a child is better off in a foster home than being raised by two loving parents who spent the time in countless meetings and screenings and approvals to get the chance to provide a stable home to him or her? And sure, you were nice enough to pull that chair out for your wife, but isn't it a bit ungrateful to your mother who raised you alone in a world that can't have been very kind to her and her plight? Don't you think that if the toxic idea that she was ill-fit to raise a child wasn't so ingrained into our society that she might have had a better chance? Condemning single parents then didn't improve your situation, sir, so why do you feel it is your job to continue that poisonous teaching?
I have written much about Oaks and his discussion about what parents of gay children should do. I don't think I need to spend any more time showing how damaging his teachings about LGBT people are. But wake up people. THIS is the voice of God? How can people sit through that talk and come away feeling that it was uplifting and inspiring? I wish members were empowered to be able to stand up and say, "I'm sorry sir, but you are wrong- and there is no bell of truth that sounds when you speak."
My first real impression of Oaks as a man was at BYU. I worked for the Office of Information Technology in the lighting branch of the Multimedia Events department. Our little team did the lighting for all sorts of events, from EFY dances to awards ceremonies to concerts to CES Firesides. (It is funny now to think that I ran the lighting for some of those firesides in the Marriot Center). Anyway, at one particularly high-end dinner/awards program, Oaks was one of several General Authorities in attendance. I remember watching him from the mezzanine. People were finding their seats as the program was about to start and his wife was still chatting it up with people by their table. Dallin Oaks (believing his wife to be behind him), pulled his wife's chair out and when he realized she was talking to people he just stood and waited patiently behind the chair. She was one of the last to wrap up conversation before sitting down and Oaks, of course, kindly scooted her chair in after she sat before taking his seat.
I share this story because I don't want people to think that I have completely vilified the leaders of the LDS Church in my mind. I know that many of them (maybe all?) are decent guys and if they were simply another person on the street, they would likely be likeable enough to just about anyone. However, they are not like a random person that you might happen to bump into. They proclaim themselves to be the voice of God. And people can say what they want about them being "imperfect men," but lets be honest with ourselves. We look into history at any mistake a past "prophet" made and we say, "he was only a man." Brigham Young for example. Mormons are quick to acknowledge that he was imperfect and made many mistakes and had questionable judgement. But if you even suggest that a current prophet is wrong, it is blasphemy. And not only are they treated like, as one facebook friend proclaimed during General Conference, "surrogates for the Lord," they are also treated like celebrities.
And as much a people would like to say that this is just a cultural issue, and not one that is perpetuated by the leaders themselves, it simply isn't true. You are not encouraged to question the teachings of President Monson. You are not told to read the ensign with a critical eye. What we are encouraged to do is "follow the prophet." So when someone in that position teaches false principles and ideas- it is dangerous. And as sweet as it was that Dallin Oaks pulled his wife's chair out for her, there is no excuse for an educated man who's words hundreds of thousands will interpret as scripture to say things of the nature that he did in General Conference. I don't know how his talk could be any more hypocritical.
He talks about the evils of victimizing children and selfish adult-interests while at the same time demonstrating that equation. How is re-enforcing the idea that single parents are less fit to raise children good for the children in single parent homes? How is making the already guilt-ridden woman haunted by her teenaged decision to abort her child feel evil make her feel valued and loved? And how the hell does telling people to "ASSUME" that same-sex couples with children are incapable, selfish, child-abusing parents do anything to help that child make friends in school and in their communities?
I'm sorry, are you telling us Mr. Oaks, that a child is better off in a foster home than being raised by two loving parents who spent the time in countless meetings and screenings and approvals to get the chance to provide a stable home to him or her? And sure, you were nice enough to pull that chair out for your wife, but isn't it a bit ungrateful to your mother who raised you alone in a world that can't have been very kind to her and her plight? Don't you think that if the toxic idea that she was ill-fit to raise a child wasn't so ingrained into our society that she might have had a better chance? Condemning single parents then didn't improve your situation, sir, so why do you feel it is your job to continue that poisonous teaching?
I have written much about Oaks and his discussion about what parents of gay children should do. I don't think I need to spend any more time showing how damaging his teachings about LGBT people are. But wake up people. THIS is the voice of God? How can people sit through that talk and come away feeling that it was uplifting and inspiring? I wish members were empowered to be able to stand up and say, "I'm sorry sir, but you are wrong- and there is no bell of truth that sounds when you speak."
10 October 2012
THT: "Mormons Building Bridges" is bad for the LGBT community
In my last post, I alluded to the fact that certain groups and people who from a distance seem progressive and helpful are actually becoming stumbling block for the LGBT community. I feel that experiences I've had over the past week have justified my speaking more plainly on the matter. Mormons Building Bridges is one of a few that I believe fit this category. I will explain why.
First, lets take a look what MBB says it is:
Membership
----
When I began to realize the sentiment within the group, I voiced my concern. I made a post that asked how the group intends to achieve it's goals without talking politics and policies. My reasoning was this: How is an LGBT youth to feel loved, supported, and accepted in a community that also seeks to delegitimize the love that child feels toward another of the same sex by seeking to prohibit same-sex marriage. How is that child to understand empty words of love and understanding when actions show that the love and understanding is limited and conditional. "We love you, support you and we understand how you feel, but don't you dare expect that we will support changing discriminatory policies that our leaders support."
The response to my question was outrage. More than a few people threatened to leave the group if it was going to allow people to suggest that we ask more of our community by way of ACTION rather than simply WORDS. One woman was shocked that I dare hint at the idea of rejecting the clear message by prophets of the Lord that marriage is only intended for a man and woman. I was shocked. I was soonafter reminded by an administrator that this was not a place to discuss politics.
This was the group that was going to "convey love and acceptance to LGBT individuals?"
-----
This week I went to my first PFLAG meeting. I went with my boyfriend's mother who had been once before. I was shocked to find out that even though the Salt Lake Chapter has been established for 25 years it only had about 15 people there that night and only around 35 paying members. Membership is $35 a year. $15 of that goes to national, the rest is used by the chapter for things like reading materials that are supplied at booths that they run at several events. One of the more prominent women there expressed her shock that at a recent event, MBB was charging people $5 for a pamphlet. She said, "our whole purpose is to educate and get the information out there. We want to get that to anyone with even the slightest interest. And yes the pamphlet costs us $5, but putting that into the hands of an uninformed, but curious individual is priceless! We do not charge for information."
Okay, maybe she didn't say those exact words, but that was the gist of it. My point is, MBB boasts some 2,300 members. PFLAG in Salt Lake has 35. You'd think that with all those people wanting to convey love and support to the LGBT community would manage to hand out a few pamphlets free of charge. But the words of love and understanding and support just don't translate. Sure, it may have the affect of making people feel as if they are more understanding and loving than the average Mormon, but clearly there is a disconnect between words and action. Actions speak louder than words.
-----
Recently there has been a move to create a MBB choir. When a facebook friend messaged me about it, I responded that I didn't think my philosophy meshed with MBB. In fact, I knew it because of the quick backlash I received for sharing my opinions. Well, now- weeks later, the director of that choir has released a little information about why all their practices have been postponed and rescheduled and canceled over the past few weeks:
Because there will always be room for intolerance, prejudice, hatred, and bigotry as long as LGBT people are treated differently by the law. Change starts there. Imagine if African Americans decided that instead of demanding equality- instead of taking that seat on the bus or walking into that school or ordering from that bar they would just share stories to spread understanding and love. Imagine that they agreed not to talk about voting rights or desegregation as to not offend or push politics or ideology. Imagine that the mere suggestion that they march to Washington caused their alleged allies to turn their backs in rage. Where would that have got them?
And for those who think that it makes sense that the LGBT youth will feel love and support and understanding by joining a group that says you are reaching out to build a bridge when at the same time you refuse to consider or talk about politics and policy changes, I would ask that you consider this analogy.
Let us say that somehow all the godless non-mormons of Salt Lake got a law passed to make temple marriages illegal in Utah. If you were found to have participated in such a marriage, the consequences were these:
Do you feel the love? How about understanding? Respect?
I would hope that you would expect someone who claimed to understand, love, and support you to fight for your equality. To take your hand and sit with you in that seat on the bus. To help you carry those books into that segregated school. To order that drink for you from the man who hates you. I would hope that you would expect for that person to speak up in defense of your rights- especially to those in power. I would hope that you would expect that person to walk with you down the aisle on the day of your wedding and celebrate with you as you commit to cherish forever the one you love most in this world. You want to build a bridge? This is your chance.
First, lets take a look what MBB says it is:
"[MBB] is dedicated to conveying love and acceptance to LGBT individuals. Acknowledging the sad history of strife and heartbreak within the LDS Church regarding issues of sexuality and gender identity, we seek to overcome past grievances and build new bridges of understanding and respect. Therefore, we facilitate communication and organizational efforts that help our gay brothers and sisters to feel supported in their life’s path and welcome in our homes and congregations. We are particularly focused on the plight of LGBT Mormon youth and hope to help curb the tide of LGBT Mormon youth homelessness and suicides. MBB is not sponsored by nor do we represent the LDS Church or any political party or caucus."Sounds great right? I have to admit, I thought it would be a great group based on what the goals were. I had no preconceived notion that it was anything but good for the LGBT community as a whole, and specifically for those who have ever identified as Mormon. But lets read the fine print. I will bullet-point the conditions under each headline. The full text can be read on the MBB page here.
Membership
- For anyone interested in building or finding support as pertaining to the issues of homosexuality, gender identity, and the LDS community
- Only invite people who will respect the group's goals
- After requesting to join, the potential member will receive a message from administrators who will ask them to abide by group guidelines
- Pseudonyms not allowed (with few exceptions)
- If a member blocks a group admin on facebook they will be removed
- A place for fellowship and support and not political or doctrinal debates
- Be civil and respectful of others
- We want everyone to feel welcome
- We do not promote specific philosophy/theology/ideology
- Foul language, threats, harassment, and discrimination not allowed
- Members are asked not to explicitly campaign for marriage equality on the Facebook group
- If a group admin determines a member is non-compliant to guidelines, they will be asked to modify, remove, or otherwise correct their post or comment
- If member in question has not responded within one hour, the post/comment will be removed
- Members will be removed and/or banned if admins determine that the member is not willing to comply with group rules
"This [LDS] Church has felt the bitter sting of persecution and marginalization early in our history ... Our parents, young adults, teens and children should therefore, of all people, be especially sensitive to the vulnerable people in society and be willing to speak out against bullying or intimidation whenever it occurs, including unkindness toward those who are attracted to others of the same sex. This is particularly so in our own Latter-day Saint congregations. Each Latter-day Saint family and individual should carefully consider whether their attitudes and actions toward others properly reflect Jesus Christ’s second great commandment -- to love one another."One thing you might be able to pick up on is the level of control the administrators assume over the members of this group. You must agree to a set of rules. You may very well be censored. You cannot debate politics or doctrine. You cannot explicitly advocate for marriage equality. And you can be kicked out and banned if the leaders see fit. Sound familiar? The group may not be endorsed by the LDS Church, but there sure is some resemblance.
----
When I began to realize the sentiment within the group, I voiced my concern. I made a post that asked how the group intends to achieve it's goals without talking politics and policies. My reasoning was this: How is an LGBT youth to feel loved, supported, and accepted in a community that also seeks to delegitimize the love that child feels toward another of the same sex by seeking to prohibit same-sex marriage. How is that child to understand empty words of love and understanding when actions show that the love and understanding is limited and conditional. "We love you, support you and we understand how you feel, but don't you dare expect that we will support changing discriminatory policies that our leaders support."
The response to my question was outrage. More than a few people threatened to leave the group if it was going to allow people to suggest that we ask more of our community by way of ACTION rather than simply WORDS. One woman was shocked that I dare hint at the idea of rejecting the clear message by prophets of the Lord that marriage is only intended for a man and woman. I was shocked. I was soonafter reminded by an administrator that this was not a place to discuss politics.
This was the group that was going to "convey love and acceptance to LGBT individuals?"
-----
This week I went to my first PFLAG meeting. I went with my boyfriend's mother who had been once before. I was shocked to find out that even though the Salt Lake Chapter has been established for 25 years it only had about 15 people there that night and only around 35 paying members. Membership is $35 a year. $15 of that goes to national, the rest is used by the chapter for things like reading materials that are supplied at booths that they run at several events. One of the more prominent women there expressed her shock that at a recent event, MBB was charging people $5 for a pamphlet. She said, "our whole purpose is to educate and get the information out there. We want to get that to anyone with even the slightest interest. And yes the pamphlet costs us $5, but putting that into the hands of an uninformed, but curious individual is priceless! We do not charge for information."
Okay, maybe she didn't say those exact words, but that was the gist of it. My point is, MBB boasts some 2,300 members. PFLAG in Salt Lake has 35. You'd think that with all those people wanting to convey love and support to the LGBT community would manage to hand out a few pamphlets free of charge. But the words of love and understanding and support just don't translate. Sure, it may have the affect of making people feel as if they are more understanding and loving than the average Mormon, but clearly there is a disconnect between words and action. Actions speak louder than words.
-----
Recently there has been a move to create a MBB choir. When a facebook friend messaged me about it, I responded that I didn't think my philosophy meshed with MBB. In fact, I knew it because of the quick backlash I received for sharing my opinions. Well, now- weeks later, the director of that choir has released a little information about why all their practices have been postponed and rescheduled and canceled over the past few weeks:
I wish this were surprising to me, but again... when it comes to action, groups like this seem to become a blackhole for the progressive action that needs to take place in order for our communities to be places of respect, tolerance, and love for LGBT persons. But why?
I had a meeting with MBB Leadership today and there have been some concerns addressed, ones which I will not go into right now. The president of MBB would like a week to pray, think, and talk to others about what to do.
The reason we no longer have a rehearsal space is that we failed to make sure the exact details of LDS Church policy. Yes, we did have someone recording audio for the NPR interview. We did not know how serious of an infraction this was, and we are to blame for that. They also stated that we were videotaping the rehearsal, a accusation that is 100% false. I am trying to speak to the LDS Leadership of that building, and of other churches and rehearsal spaces.
Due to the present situation, I am hereby cancelling the Circling the Wagons performance.
I must also inform you that, while MBB has not said yes or no to continuing to sponsor the choir, both myself and MBB leadership has discussed us breaking away from the MBB organization and continuing the choir without their name."
Because there will always be room for intolerance, prejudice, hatred, and bigotry as long as LGBT people are treated differently by the law. Change starts there. Imagine if African Americans decided that instead of demanding equality- instead of taking that seat on the bus or walking into that school or ordering from that bar they would just share stories to spread understanding and love. Imagine that they agreed not to talk about voting rights or desegregation as to not offend or push politics or ideology. Imagine that the mere suggestion that they march to Washington caused their alleged allies to turn their backs in rage. Where would that have got them?
And for those who think that it makes sense that the LGBT youth will feel love and support and understanding by joining a group that says you are reaching out to build a bridge when at the same time you refuse to consider or talk about politics and policy changes, I would ask that you consider this analogy.
Let us say that somehow all the godless non-mormons of Salt Lake got a law passed to make temple marriages illegal in Utah. If you were found to have participated in such a marriage, the consequences were these:
- You're marriage would be considered null and void by the state
- Insurance providers could refuse to cover anyone other than the employed individual (no family benifits)
- Renters could evict you from your home
- Employers could legally fire you for being married in the temple
- Hospitals did not have to recognize family members, and therefore they had no visitation rights
Do you feel the love? How about understanding? Respect?
I would hope that you would expect someone who claimed to understand, love, and support you to fight for your equality. To take your hand and sit with you in that seat on the bus. To help you carry those books into that segregated school. To order that drink for you from the man who hates you. I would hope that you would expect for that person to speak up in defense of your rights- especially to those in power. I would hope that you would expect that person to walk with you down the aisle on the day of your wedding and celebrate with you as you commit to cherish forever the one you love most in this world. You want to build a bridge? This is your chance.
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