PE: Holding Hands

I started dating someone recently. The first guy since Brig really. I mean, I've been on dates and I've had a couple almost-relationships, but never full-blown relationship. I don't think I was able to let go until recently.

Anyway, a couple weekends ago was PRIDE here in Salt Lake. I didn't really join in any of the festivities. Instead Sean and I went out for a quiet night. It was one of the first relatively warm nights and we were downtown getting a bite to eat. We had to park several blocks from the restaurant we ate at, so it was a nice walk. Typically I don't engage in any kind of PDA because I don't like to make people feel uncomfortable, but on our walk back to the car all the couples were out holding hands and it was such a nice night and I really wanted to hold hands. Every couple we saw were holding hands- no joke.

So initially I just gave his hand a squeeze and thanked him for a nice dinner, but it was apparent he wanted to hold my hand too, so we did. I wish straight people could understand what it is like. I imagine it is somewhat similar to what it felt like for Rosa Parks to sit in the front of the bus. You kind of hold your breath, knowing that you will be punished, but hoping you won't. Well we got punished.

Stares and double-takes don't get to me too much. I guess I kind of accept it as a fair trade. If I want to hold hands, I have to put up with the staring. But we had an SUV full of guys pointing, laughing and yelling at us. "EWW- THEY'RE GAY! DUDE, LOOK!" "GAY!" "BAHAHAHA!" It kind of ruins the nice relaxing summer night. And even though we continued holding hands, the truth is, I couldn't help but feel ashamed and hurt. I felt like I wanted to go and hide. You'd think those feelings would go away, that I would just be used to it, but they don't. I think we all get good at masking the hurt, but the pain is still real.

I yearn for the day when all people see is couples enjoying a warm summer's night instead of the two guys holding hands. I hope I live to see it.

PE: I Wanna Hold Your Hand

First off, if you haven't heard Glee's I Wanna Hold Your Hand, its a good one. I wanted to share an experience I had a few months ago. I was in California with my significant other and a couple friends. He goes to school there. Anyway, they have a local farmer's market every week where basically the whole town shows up that we all decided to go to. Both of us are very comfortable with ourselves and, well, we felt like holding hands as we walked around... so we did. We weren't doing it to make anyone uncomfortable... we weren't making a show out of it. Actually, we tried to be as discrete about it as possible. You wouldn't know it though.

When someone realized we were holding hands, they'd tell the people they were with and everyone would stare, laugh, or make remarks. "That's disgusting." "That's so wrong." I noticed it at first, but then I just shut it out and just focused on enjoying time with him. Our two friends (a guy and girl) were behind us a ways and apparently they heard and saw a lot worse. I guess most people at least wait until they are out of range to make their comments or gestures. My friends were actually having a conversation about what they would do if someone decided to get violent. They must have been seeing and and hearing a lot worse reactions than I picked up on.

If you are straight, please imagine what that would be like. We were just holding hands. Imagine that every time you went out in public with your significant other, you faced this kind of criticism and hate. So much so that people you cared about sometimes feared for your safety. What would you do? I think most of us would not go out in public. We would meet our significant other in private. Away from the piercing glares that scream of hate. What would happen if you were a young person who only spent time with your romantic interest in private, alone, away from the eyes of any witnesses? Chances are, you'd have a difficult time staying chaste. This is exactly what happens to gay couples. And then society spits on them and calls it the "gay lifestyle" as if these people wanted to live like that. As if they would rather feel like they need to hide and meet in private settings instead of going out on normal dates like everyone else.

I hope for the day when gay couples can go out in public and not feel like they are disgusting in the eyes of people around them. That they would be treated and viewed the same way straight couples are when they go on dates. That no one even bats an eye. The day when, if a guy is on a date with another guy (or girl with girl) and one of them feels the urge to hold the other's hand, and they can muster up the courage to take that step, that they don't have to worry about what everyone else is thinking as an extra roadblock to making that first move. And if I wanna hold his hand, I do it. Why? Not because I want to make anyone uncomfortable, only because I wanna! That should be good enough reason for anyone.