National Coming Out Day 2014

Today is National Coming Out day. Four years ago I had just recently finally accepted the fact that I was gay- it was a devastating realization. I had tried to avoid that realization since before puberty and did everything in my power to "fix it." I was at BYU and feared telling anyone because I knew if someone wanted to, they could turn me in and I could be kicked out during my last semester of college. The hardest part was coming out to myself... But I was lucky to have some great friends at BYU who I was able to talk to (Wendi, Vanessa, Joseph). Not long after, I came out to my immediate family. I waited until I had my diploma in hand to tell anyone else. Since then it has been a great journey.

It's hard to be rejected by a community that you invest so much of your life into. Mormonism was my home for the first 25years of my life. I trusted those leaders and I did all I could to be a good Mormon boy- but nothing I ever did changed me. I felt so isolated. The way my community talked about homosexuality made me feel evil and perverted. It made me feel unacceptable, dirty, unworthy, and disgusting. It made me hate myself and believe that God couldn't possibly love me. And I had no one I could tell because I never once heard anyone say anything to the contrary and I couldn't risk losing everyone in my world- i wasn't strong enough to deal with that.

Today, Mormonism acknowledges the existence of gay people and that it is not something that is chosen or changeable. Yet- at the same time, it denies us our humanity- the most basic human need for love, affection, intimacy, and companionship. It labels my love and relationship as "temptation" and "sin" and deems it unworthy of recognition or support while it celebrates, encourages, and supports the love and relationships of heterosexual people. What good does it do to acknowledge that gay people exist, that it isn't a choice, and that it cannot be changed when you require them to live a life of celibacy and loneliness? The answer is, it doesn't- it does great harm. And so, the choice must be made to either leave your community- the only world you've ever known- simply to embrace your own humanity, or to live a life void of love, intimacy, and companionship to remain acceptable to that community.

I experienced a lot of anger and bitterness due to this experience. I know I've offended plenty of my LDS family and friends with my rants. I was angry that my church would abandon me at my most vulnerable. I was angry that my church convinced me that I was somehow broken or unacceptable. I was angry at God for not giving me some answer or some miracle in my darkest moments when all I wanted was death. I felt so abandoned even though I had done everything "right."

And to be honest, I'm still angry sometimes. I'm angry that people allow this to continue. I'm angry that no one seems to pay any attention to the fact that 60% of homeless youth in Utah are LGBT when they only make up 3-5% of the population meaning that parents feel justified in kicking their lgbt kids out (and it's not the non-religious parents doing that). I'm angry that no one seems to care about the suicides. I'm angry that my old community hasn't done anything about the damage that has been and is being done. I'm angry that, while the church seems perfectly able to promote their new film at every pulpit and get the membership to talk on social media about it- they haven't done anything of that nature to educated people about the fact that lives are being destroyed and even lost due to the anti-gay rhetoric being taught at that same pulpit. I'm angry that the church is so interested in promoting a "wholesome" image to the world and so disinterested in the people silently suffering in their own congregations. I'm angry that I had to leave everything I knew simply so I could learn to accept myself. I had to leave so that I could live.

Coming out was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. As scary and daunting as it was- there is no substitute for living authentically. Living a lie and rejecting something so fundamental to your identity is devastating to your sense of self-worth. Happiness cannot be had in those circumstances. I'm grateful for the people who got me through the coming out process and who loved me anyway.

I am grateful I chose life over death. I owe a big part of that to Carol Lynn Pearson who wrote the book that likely saved my life, "no more goodbyes." At the time it was hard to imagine I'd ever be happy- but the last four years have been full of amazing, rich experiences and beautiful amazing people I might never have otherwise met. My life is full of color and possibility and each year on national coming out day, I like to reflect on where I came from, where I've been, and where I am. Happy Coming Out Day!!

Oh, and this song is by David Archuletta made for "Meet the Mormons," but I love his voice and think the words to this song can be applied to all the LGBT LDS kids out there.. and anyone still struggling with being closeted:



There are times when you might feel aimless
You can't see the places where you belong
But you will find that there is a purpose
It's been there within you all along and when you're near it
You can almost hear it.

It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious

You will know how to let it ring out as you discover who you are
Others around you will start to wake up
To the sounds that are in their hearts
It's so amazin', what we're all creatin'

It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious

And as you feel the notes build
You will see

It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious

Meet the Mormons at Affirmation

I had the great opportunity to put together a short video that highlights the work that Affirmation does within the LDS LGBT community. The were awarded the Allies Award at this year’s Allies Dinner which is an annual fundraiser put on by Equality Utah.

I went to an Affirmation meeting sometime last year upon receiving an invitation by some good friends that were participating in the conference. I would be dishonest if I said I was very comfortable at that meeting. It felt like a church meeting and used church language and structures throughout the meeting and for me, having left the church, it felt like stepping back into a space that reminded me all too much of the oppressive environment that destroyed my sense of self-worth… something I still struggle to heal. That was my first and only experience with Affirmation until now.

I am very cautious about lending a voice of support to LDS LGBT groups because I have never felt comfortable with the idea that we can still adopt and accept the status quo and promote “living in accordance with church teachings” and truly be of any real help to LGBT members- especially youth. I don’t agree that simply tacking on, “we love our LGBT brothers and sisters” to a history and tradition of treating LGBT people and their love and relationships as enemies does any good. I also don’t agree that anyone should encourage or promote the idea that LGBT people should stay in the church before the church has made the institutional changes necessary to make it a safe space for those people. As important as LDS allies are, they cannot protect LGBT people from institutional homophobia. 

Having said that, I had a really wonderful experience in interviewing members of Affirmation and I feel that the organization does much needed good- more so than other Mormon LGBT groups who may even receive more media attention. The reason is that these people are not necessarily active members of the church or care to be active ever again. While some do actively participate, it seems to me that they have made their own choice to do so and have not been encouraged to stay by the organization. Affirmation’s goal is to help people get to a healthy, productive place in their life- whatever that may mean for them. So whether you wish to get married one day to a same-sex partner or whether you have adopted another religious tradition, you are welcome and supported. The group acknowledges LDS background and heritage because, whether we like it or not, it is a part of our personal stories. It has shaped our lives in profound ways. That will never change.

Those people that are active mormons seem to be speaking up and out against the policies and teachings that the institutional LDS Church adopts. They stand for what they know and feel to be right- full acceptance, inclusion, support and affirmation of LGBT people. That is radical! And it is wonderful. Rather than accept the narrative the Mormon church uses which now acknowledges (at least somewhat) that gay people exist, that it isn’t a choice, and that it cannot be “fixed” but that continues to deny LGBT people their full humanity or acknowledge their love and relationships as good and authentic, members of affirmation stand for what they know is right- LGBT people are equal in every way.

I intentionally branded this video with the “Meet the Mormons” title because the church has done all the work and spent all the money to ensure LDS people will look it up and share it online. I did it with the hope that it will help us get to a tipping point where enough active LDS people feel that they don’t have to accept a narrative they don’t feel is right that it will spark a wider change in the institution. I did it with the hope that these short stories will serve as examples for others to follow- not to paint the Mormon church as accepting and supporting of LGBT people. I did it with the hope that the members of the church will reclaim their religion. Christ said that we are the body of Christ. WE are his church. And he also said that every part of that body- right down to the gays and the trans* people and the lesbians and the bisexuals, are essential. I hope that members of the church will reclaim that title- they ARE His church and they do not have to accept a narrative that makes them feel uncomfortable. If we can’t stand up for what we believe to be right and true in our own church- why are we there? That is one place we should ALWAYS feel safe to stand by our convictions.

Thank you Affirmation, for stepping up to the plate, leading the way, and being the example. Well done.