National Coming Out Day 2014

Today is National Coming Out day. Four years ago I had just recently finally accepted the fact that I was gay- it was a devastating realization. I had tried to avoid that realization since before puberty and did everything in my power to "fix it." I was at BYU and feared telling anyone because I knew if someone wanted to, they could turn me in and I could be kicked out during my last semester of college. The hardest part was coming out to myself... But I was lucky to have some great friends at BYU who I was able to talk to (Wendi, Vanessa, Joseph). Not long after, I came out to my immediate family. I waited until I had my diploma in hand to tell anyone else. Since then it has been a great journey.

It's hard to be rejected by a community that you invest so much of your life into. Mormonism was my home for the first 25years of my life. I trusted those leaders and I did all I could to be a good Mormon boy- but nothing I ever did changed me. I felt so isolated. The way my community talked about homosexuality made me feel evil and perverted. It made me feel unacceptable, dirty, unworthy, and disgusting. It made me hate myself and believe that God couldn't possibly love me. And I had no one I could tell because I never once heard anyone say anything to the contrary and I couldn't risk losing everyone in my world- i wasn't strong enough to deal with that.

Today, Mormonism acknowledges the existence of gay people and that it is not something that is chosen or changeable. Yet- at the same time, it denies us our humanity- the most basic human need for love, affection, intimacy, and companionship. It labels my love and relationship as "temptation" and "sin" and deems it unworthy of recognition or support while it celebrates, encourages, and supports the love and relationships of heterosexual people. What good does it do to acknowledge that gay people exist, that it isn't a choice, and that it cannot be changed when you require them to live a life of celibacy and loneliness? The answer is, it doesn't- it does great harm. And so, the choice must be made to either leave your community- the only world you've ever known- simply to embrace your own humanity, or to live a life void of love, intimacy, and companionship to remain acceptable to that community.

I experienced a lot of anger and bitterness due to this experience. I know I've offended plenty of my LDS family and friends with my rants. I was angry that my church would abandon me at my most vulnerable. I was angry that my church convinced me that I was somehow broken or unacceptable. I was angry at God for not giving me some answer or some miracle in my darkest moments when all I wanted was death. I felt so abandoned even though I had done everything "right."

And to be honest, I'm still angry sometimes. I'm angry that people allow this to continue. I'm angry that no one seems to pay any attention to the fact that 60% of homeless youth in Utah are LGBT when they only make up 3-5% of the population meaning that parents feel justified in kicking their lgbt kids out (and it's not the non-religious parents doing that). I'm angry that no one seems to care about the suicides. I'm angry that my old community hasn't done anything about the damage that has been and is being done. I'm angry that, while the church seems perfectly able to promote their new film at every pulpit and get the membership to talk on social media about it- they haven't done anything of that nature to educated people about the fact that lives are being destroyed and even lost due to the anti-gay rhetoric being taught at that same pulpit. I'm angry that the church is so interested in promoting a "wholesome" image to the world and so disinterested in the people silently suffering in their own congregations. I'm angry that I had to leave everything I knew simply so I could learn to accept myself. I had to leave so that I could live.

Coming out was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. As scary and daunting as it was- there is no substitute for living authentically. Living a lie and rejecting something so fundamental to your identity is devastating to your sense of self-worth. Happiness cannot be had in those circumstances. I'm grateful for the people who got me through the coming out process and who loved me anyway.

I am grateful I chose life over death. I owe a big part of that to Carol Lynn Pearson who wrote the book that likely saved my life, "no more goodbyes." At the time it was hard to imagine I'd ever be happy- but the last four years have been full of amazing, rich experiences and beautiful amazing people I might never have otherwise met. My life is full of color and possibility and each year on national coming out day, I like to reflect on where I came from, where I've been, and where I am. Happy Coming Out Day!!

Oh, and this song is by David Archuletta made for "Meet the Mormons," but I love his voice and think the words to this song can be applied to all the LGBT LDS kids out there.. and anyone still struggling with being closeted:



There are times when you might feel aimless
You can't see the places where you belong
But you will find that there is a purpose
It's been there within you all along and when you're near it
You can almost hear it.

It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious

You will know how to let it ring out as you discover who you are
Others around you will start to wake up
To the sounds that are in their hearts
It's so amazin', what we're all creatin'

It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious

And as you feel the notes build
You will see

It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious

PE: Responses to my coming out

As many of you know, I sent an email out to my extended family weeks ago where I came out to them. Awhile later, I sent out this letter to friends where I came out to them. I wanted to share with you some excerpts from the responses and reactions I have received from both family and friends.

Extended Family

"I hope you know that being "Gay" will NEVER EVER be a reason for me not to love you nor is it a reason to  discontinue having a relationship with you. My home will ALWAYS be a place where you and your significant other will be welcomed with open arms and NO JUDGMENT!!!!! I am Very happy to hear that your Mom, Dad & sisters all took your coming out as well as they did. It saved me a trip to California to set them straight!!! I LOVE YOU JONNY!! Gay or straight it makes no difference to me or my family....we accept you just as you are."

"Your uncle and I want you to know that we love you unconditionally!  You are still our nephew and we have always been proud of you and your accomplishments.  It breaks my heart to hear how you've been hurting and the pain you have gone through."

"Jonathan, I love you Kido. It is good to here from you, I'm glad your year has turned around! and your future is looking bright, congratulations on your graduation. just be yourself and know that you have a lot of loving understanding family that love you and want you to be happy . just so you know , I don't think any less of you due to your sexuality and hope for happiness in all you do and strive to accomplish in your life."

"FINALLY!  (I knew...)  :-) I am so glad you came out and more importantly that you did not take your life.  I am so sorry you were in such a dark place back in August.  I was not raised in the church and feel like I am a little more open minded that most members.  Sexuality is one area I have a lot of questions on regarding the scriptures and the church's stance. Anyway, I am proud of you!  Way to be true to yourself and for your bravery in "coming out."  You are a wonderful man and I just know you have a lot to live for!  If you ever need anything, know that your Uncle and I are here for you!"

"I appreciate your 4 life style views on your blog video.  It made my understanding of your decision so clear.  You are an amazing young man, I hope you find everything you are looking for, We all deserve that!  You and your significant other will always be welcome in our home and at our family gatherings. I always enjoy seeing you.  I don't think anyone can break the strong bond of love that we have for one another in this family of ours!"

"My family were with me when I read your letter & watched your video & it made my girls want to get to know you even more so you will be receiving friend requests on face book from them soon."

"I have loved you since the day you were born and will always love you. If I know my kids they will be the same. I felt nothing but love when i read your letter. It breaks my heart to hear you had such a hard time in August. Come see us soon, you are always welcome. The saddest thing is that you won't get to experience some things, but you'll have other experiences that bring you joy and we will share them with you. If anyone doesn't feel the way I do their name will be crossed off the dinner guest list before your name will." (from my Grandma... typed after a phone call)

Friends

"As an active married, LDS Christian, straight, business man you are welcome in my home, next to me in church and hopefully on work projects in the future."

"I know it took a lot to write this email, and I want you to know that it doesn't change my views on you as my friend. And as my friend, just know that I will continue to pray for you and love you."

"I'm sure you might get responses to this email that are both good and bad. Please don't let the bad affect you. Heavenly Father loves all his children equally, and that's all that matters. What better friend can you have than Him?"

"My beliefs about homosexuality are found in my testimony of the family proclamation, but I hope you know that is not a judgment to you or any other person. Heaven knows we don't have all the answers and I'm certainly in no position to pass any kind of judgment. I guess I'm trying to say that I hope you don't feel any sense of rejection or that my feelings of friendship have changed in any way and I would hope no one would!! Anyways you're amazing and I for sure
want to hang out/ kick it on the dance floor soon!!"

"First and foremost I don't care what you believe in or what your sexuality is you will always be a friend of mine."

"I think you know that we are bound to have some fundamental differences in beliefs on this issue, but know that that doesn't make me love you any less as a friend. I can promise you that. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when you were having such a hard time. I know that you're a good person. You have been for as long as I have known you. I sincerely hope that this gives you the peace you have been looking for."

"I have so many friends in the gay community and the importance of support and speaking openly about these issues to teach and learn is so very important, and so very life saving."

"So, I just read your email. I was honestly surprised. When are you free? I would love to see you, and not just because of this news, but because I haven't seen you in a long while. Let me know when we can get together."

"As I finished reading the email my heart went out to you and I will not judge you. I know tons of members and other people outside of the church will I guess you can say give you a hard time but who are they to judge. It's your life and you choose how to live it. I love you as a friend and always will."

"Jonathan, you are so totally going to hell. Just kidding man. That took a lot of guts, and I applaud your honesty with yourself and with us."

"I have been very confused by this whole "issue" for lack of a better word.  It has been bothering me for quite some time - because I believe that God loves all of his children with such a pure deep love that turning our backs on "the minority", as you put it, leaving them to fend for themselves, telling them that they just need to choose to be good felt inherently wrong.  Your letter was like a warm cushy hug from heaven.  I literally felt God's love and reassurance in it, because God does love all of his children.  He doesn't pick and choose - He loves all of us with that same warm love."

------------------------

So as you can see... the most negative reaction I've received is simply that another person disagrees with me. But everyone has made sure that I know they love me and that nothing changes that love and friendship. Also, it has generally brought me closer to others. People are interested in catching up or getting to know me better because of my honesty. I have really been very fortunate as I have come out and told people that I am gay.

VID: How I came out to my family

PE: Learning to Love

Today I realized just how much I've changed in just a short time.

"Love thy neighbor as thyself."

When thinking of that phrase, we often forget the "as thyself" part. Before coming to terms with being gay and learning to accept and love myself, I didn't express love very easily. In fact, I'm not sure how much I felt it. Saying "I love you" was pretty much reserved for my immediate family. But at the time, I hated myself. I didn't love myself, so how could I love others like myself?

That has changed now. And the way I feel about people... it really is love, and I know it. I feel it. It is different from the way I felt towards people before. It isn't conditional. I guess it is charity. I think I've just learned a little more about what it means to have charity.

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away."

I would have never thought that to have charity, you must first learn to love yourself. Love yourself with all of your flaws, your imperfections, and your mistakes. In the end charity is the only thing that can be counted on. Just like the scripture says... eventually your knowledge will fail you and God will surprise you. Sometimes prophets, although inspired, err in their prophecies. But real charity never fails. Not even when it turns out your son or your brother or your friend is gay.

Today I can say I love you comfortably to friends and even sometimes strangers, and I am being completely sincere. Just five months ago I would be uncomfortable saying those words except to a handful of people. I love you.

PE: Coming out to friends

As I've mentioned... I've kind of come out in waves since August 2010. First it was a few close friends who were immediately part of my life. They saw me through the hell I went through as I waged war against myself, praying to God it wasn't true. Then it was my immediate family. Then it was my extended family. Now it is friends who I feel have either been a significant part of my life at some point or who have left very significant impressions on me as genuine people. Everyone included... I'd say I have now informed around 200 people by letter. You know, it doesn't matter how many times I've done it, or how many people I tell... hitting that "send" button or having that conversation is always begun with eyes closed or a deep breath. There is always the sad fear that tomorrow I will have one less friend. But then I remember the reasons why I am telling people and I realize that those reasons are far better than any reasons I have to say nothing. Here is the text of the latest letter sent to friends:

To My Friends:

I don't typically write updates to everyone on my life… perhaps I will start, but 2010 was a big year for me and there is quite a lot to tell. If you are reading this, it means that I truly value your friendship and although we may be separated by land or sea or years of silence, I will always be grateful for the part you have played in my life. I hope we will always maintain our friendship and that eventually we may cross paths again one day. You may have been a friend from childhood, from school or from church. I may have met you in this country or another. But please know that you have touched my life in significant ways.

I graduated from Brigham Young University at the end of 2010 with a degree in film. It may seem late to some of you since many of you have already gone further in your education, but I did take a 2-year break from school to serve a mission for my church in Korea as many of you remember. I worked on several student projects while at school, the most well-known to date being the promotional ad that I worked on with 9 others for the BYU library called "New Spice."

For now I reside in Utah in Salt Lake Valley where I do freelance work. My biggest job right now is producing commercials for a Utah craft store chain, but I am also working with a new social media site to produce video content. Since I am just starting out earning my living as a filmmaker, I will be working another job to provide stable income while I start building a clientele. I am excited to start life after college and am looking forward to all of the challenges and curve balls it is sure to bring.

As good as the year sounds, 2010 was also the most emotionally, spiritually, and mentally draining to date. In fact, I almost didn't make it past August. The truth is, the first three quarters of the year was pretty much hell and in August I had made the decision and assembled a plan to take my life and you would have been receiving a very different letter. But don't fret. I am still here and I am happier than ever! Surely you expect me to explain myself and the reasons I became so hopeless.

Some of you already know… others may have wondered, but the truth is, I am gay. I always have been and always will be. I almost extinguished my life rather than to accept that. For some of you, this revelation may not be a big deal. But for the majority, it is huge. I grew up Mormon. My whole family/extended family is Mormon. I served a mission. Went to a Mormon-owned University. Mormons don't look to happily upon gay people. This was why it took me 25 years before I could accept it. I didn't want it. I didn't believe it. I thought I could ignore it, hide it, and even hate it out of me. The result was very dangerous. All I succeeded in doing was hating myself.

I thought that if I were good enough. If I could prove to God that I was good that he would "cure" me. So I tried. I did all the right things. I did what I was supposed to. I tried dating girls. But the cure never came. Years passed. Instead what happened is I became disillusioned with God and religion. I was angry at him. What more did I have to do? What more could I do? Did I not deserve a blessing? An answer? Was I THAT repugnant? When I realized that there was no miracle for me… no God who would answer my prayers, I saw very few choices:

I could continue living as I had been. Denying part of myself… hating myself… slowly killing my emotions, my spirit, everything that brings any sense of life to the body. But that is exactly what brought me to this point in my life.

I could abandon my beliefs and my religion. My family and my friends. Live my life as a gay man but live believing I would go to hell for it. Sure, maybe it wouldn't be so, but it could be. I had already spent enough of my time that year in hell to know that I didn't want to risk that.

I could kill myself. The last choice I'd ever have to make. Maybe it was a bad decision… but it was only one decision. One sin instead of the multitude I might rack up living as a gay man… and surely better than the living hell I was experiencing.

But guess what? I did get my miracle. My answer came. in those last black moments of my life, I found the peace I had been begging God for my entire life. It just came with an answer I was never willing to hear before. I am not broken. I am not ill. There is nothing wrong with me! The love I feel and yearn for is real and meaningful and GOOD and God loves me for exactly who I am and how I love! Oh how I wish I had been able to hear this sooner.

For some of you, this will be enough. For others, you may need more explanation. See… I am in a peculiar position. Mormons want me to abandon being gay and gays (and gay supporters) want me to abandon Mormonism. Here's the thing. I can no more root out the Mormon from me than I can the gay. I am both. It took me awhile before I realized that the war I was waging on myself… the war between faith and sexuality… is completely man-made. Mormons believe in Christ and his teachings. Christ is the center of all that we believe. Yet Christ did not once speak on the matter of homosexuality. In fact… the gospels, and the three volumes of scripture unique to Mormonism (Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, Doctrine & Covenants) are all SILENT on the matter.

I have come to this conclusion: Homosexuality is natural. It is found throughout nature among all different species. I don't need science to tell me that it is not a choice because I did not choose this. I gave everything I could, even to the point of being willing to offer my life, so that I could be straight. It was not a choice for me. Despite the natural occurrence, homosexuals are still a significant minority. An estimated 5% or so among humans. What does history tell us about how we tend to treat minorities?

Of course you can't understand how the feelings you have for the opposite sex are the same feelings I have for the same-sex. Of course you cannot fully understand how when I am trying to be romantic with a girl it is as unnatural feeling as a straight boy trying to be romantic with another boy. It is outside of your experience. And since I am a minority, I must be weird. Perverted. Twisted.

The fact is, every man and woman, no matter how inspired, is heavily influenced by the time, environment, and the circumstances surrounding him/her. The cultural biases and prejudices of today make even the word "gay" wrong in today's church. However, ALL people necessarily have limited understanding and experience (including prophets) and therefore their concepts of what is good and true are fallible. Each person can only envision a part of our shared reality. Such partiality, when presented as the totality, can severely limit the lives who embrace it as truth.

I do not accept the idea that homosexuality is inherently evil. In fact, I know for myself that it is not because of my own experiences and the amazing good that has come into my life since embracing my sexuality. When I was doing all I could to try and deny myself and do what I was taught to be right, THAT is when I was driven furthest away from God and closest to spiritual and physical death. Accepting my sexuality and allowing myself to love and be loved has reversed that. I have grown nearer to God, more aware of his love and more full of life. Comparing my life before and after coming to terms with my being gay is like comparing night to day. I know which one a loving God would want for his son.

This intent of this letter is not to persuade you. I would never be able to manage that. I barely managed to come to grips with it myself, and I am the one that experienced it. If you are interested in anything I have to say about anything concerning sexuality or religion, please feel comfortable emailing me. I also have a blog that I have written many of my thoughts on. Feel free to visit it here.

I have met so many good gay Mormons. Many have been abandoned by their families. Many are too scared to tell anyone. Others never will and choose instead to take their lives as I almost did. This is not a rare story. These are good people with honest hearts who are suffering needlessly. I am doing all that I can to help them. Ask me if you want to know how I am doing that. All I ask is that you keep an open heart. The more I learn, the more I realize how little we understand of God. The more I experience the more ignorant I realize I am. We don't have all the answers.

I sincerely hope I haven't offended or embarrassed anyone reading this letter. I will always respect your opinions and beliefs and would hope you will show that same respect toward me. I will always consider you a friend and would love for you to continue to be a part of my life. However, I will understand and respect any decisions you make to end ties to me. That, however, will be your decision, not mine.

Many may wonder why I feel the need to tell people about this. There are several reasons. I am an honest person. I don't like to feel as if I need to pretend of lie to someone or put on an act just to stay in their favor. In the end, that drives a wedge between relationships because I am not allowing you to be involved in my real life at all. Now I can talk with you and answer questions truthfully and plainly. You also have heard this news from me… not from some mutual friend who thought he/she heard that Jonathan's sister said that blah blah blah. It is out in the open. I am not ashamed. You can talk to me about it if you want. It doesn't have to be talked about in hushed voices. There is a lot of ignorance surrounding homosexuality. If I stayed silent and never told people, I would only be supporting that ignorance. You know me well enough to know that many things that have been said about gay people are false.

I hope that is sufficient to help you begin to understand why it was important to me that I write the letter. I wish you all the best this 2011. Lets live life to its fullest and always strive for goodness!

love,

Jonathan

PE: Blood thicker than water

Last night I went to a family dinner with extended family living in the area. If you recall, I just came out to my extended family with a newsletter I sent. It is always scary to face people after they know. You wonder if they are going to look at you different or treat you different. You wonder if they will simply avoid the "elephant in the room" sorta speak and pretend nothing new is known, or if they will ask questions. You wonder if they feel like they are walking on eggshells, suddenly very aware of what they say as to not offend you. A little awkwardness is unavoidable.

I have an amazing family, through and through. All the responses and replies, phone calls, and facebook messages have been full of love and support and free of judgment. Something that has happened as a result of my coming out to family kind of threw me off guard. It happened when I told my immediate family, and it seems to be happening with my extended family as well. Coming out and sharing this part of me seems to result in more openness and togetherness. It has caused my family to grow closer. I'm not exactly sure why... perhaps it is only my family's relationship with me that grows closer.

After sending out my newsletter I had cousins adding me on facebook, family members just telling me they love me, uncles and aunts telling me how proud they are of me, everyone making sure I knew I could always talk to them if I ever needed an ear... the list goes on. I also am able to hear the testimonies of family members and know their unconditional love for family. It is almost as if letting them into this very personal aspect of my life is rewarded with a deeper personal relationship. I think perhaps it is because it is refreshing when a person shows you they are vulnerable.

We are so used to putting on our game face. So used to acting on our stage. But when someone takes off their mask and reveals that they are not exactly as they seem, all of a sudden others start to want to take their masks off. The act is hard to keep up. How are we to bare one another's burdens and mourn with those that mourn if we never let anyone see that we hurt? When we stop pretending "all is well" and realize that we are all a little broken and hurt, that is when we can rise together in love and support.

I am so grateful to have a family who really does love unconditionally. You really can't say that your love is unconditional until it is tested. Many of my friends have learned that their family's talk of unconditional love was only talk. As soon as family knew they were gay, they were treated different... as if they were dangerous. Dangerous to what? Their reputation? Their dream of what a perfect life looks like? It makes me so sad that the majority of Mormon families that I know of react this way.

I know that some of my family doesn't agree with my choice to live as a gay individual. I know that some of them view this as a trial that should be overcome. But guess what?? They respect me and my life and my choices. They love me because I am family. They welcome me into their homes and support me. They do not judge me or take it upon themselves to tell me I am wrong or weak or evil, even if that's what they believe about homosexuality. Instead they have reached out to me to make sure that, above all else, that I know they love me and want me to continue to be a part of their lives.

PE: OMG- I just came out to my future boss

Some of you know that I am interviewing for a job I can work as I start getting my film stuff going. Well, I had an interview for a management position at a certain place with the district manager. We talked for probably and hour and a half at least. It was insane. It went really well, and I am pretty sure I have the job (once I clear my background check).

Well, over the course of the interview, there is a part where she asks some questions. One of the questions was something along the lines of "what was a time when you've had to make a difficult decision?" Well, I knew there were lots of examples of that in my life, but I couldn't look past the big one staring me in the face. Coming to terms with my sexuality was FULL of big, difficult decisions. After trying hard for a few moments to think of something else to talk about, I just gave into my thoughts and said, "okay, this is really personal, but I will share it with you..."

So then I tell her I am gay and how I just came to terms with that recently and what kind of difficult decisions were involved. I was so relieved when she said she had a best friend who was gay and then she started asking me about the church and their stance on the issue. She grew up Mormon, but went inactive. She tried to come back to church with her boyfriend of 10 years and with her kids, but people in the ward kept pressuring them to get married. She felt like the people were ashamed to have an unmarried couple with children coming to church. But she and her boyfriend were determined to return to church. Eventually it was too much for them though. They didn't like the pressure they were getting and the vibe that people were uncomfortable with them.

So yeah- in my interview, we talked about things you should NEVER talk about in an interview, sexuality and religion. haha. But, I just kind of followed my gut and felt like it would be okay to talk about that with her. That is the vibe I got, so I went with it. I find out if I passed my background check Wednesday... I'll let you all know ;)

PE: Afraid of touch

I have read a few blogs where gay Mormons have talked of this fear of being touched. I used to be the same way. It makes me wonder what is going on in our minds as we try to suppress our sexuality. What is it that causes us to fear touch or closeness? Friends could tell you that I used to flinch when I was touched. It was that bad. I hated hugging or being close to people.

Since coming out and finally coming to terms with my sexuality, however, it is amazing how much I crave it. I am no longer afraid of touch. I love hugging. I love just holding onto a friend's arm or even holding hands (in a purely platonic way). It feels so good to finally be able to let people in. To touch and be touched. Little things like this that I used to overlook make me realize the extent of the damage caused my suppression and self-denial. I finally feel free to express love... whether it is romantic or not. It is a wonderful thing.

VID: Introduction & Why Come Out?

First of all, can I just say that I HATE watching myself or listening to myself?? This is going to take some getting used to. Anyway, please leave questions on my channel or blog that you'd like me to consider addressing in these videos. Also, I am a much better writer than speaker, so forgive me.

PE: Coming out to extended family

So tonight I am sending out a newsletter via email to aunts and uncles on both sides of my family... there are 12 total, but I don't have everyone's email. It doesn't matter how many times I've told someone about my being gay, it is always scary. There is no way of knowing how people will react or how it will affect your relationship with them. It may be the last I hear from some of them. I may never be invited over again. I don't know. It could spark debate within my extended family... arguments even.

Can you understand why so many choose to never tell their family? The church talks about homosexuality as if it is the cause of the destruction of the family, but that frankly isn't the case. The only reason why this issue divides families if because members feel like they have to choose between the church or their loved one. If you took the church's stance out of the equation, there would be a lot less families divided over the issue.

The only reason I have waited until now to tell them is the fear of how they might react. I had to wait until I graduated just in case they decided to take matters into their own hands. I know lots of gay members who, after telling family, were reported to their bishops and kicked out of BYU. Of course their family member thought they were doing what was best for them, but that just drives me crazy. Well, now that I am officially graduated, that isn't a concern. Plus, I plan on talking to a bishop in the next couple months anyway. I am not seeking to live a double life at all. I will be straight-forward and honest with everyone.

PE: My Story Part 8- Telling My Family

Okay... where were we. Ah yes, I bought a book about gay LDS people, their friends, families, church leaders, etc. called No More Goodbyes that was on its way to my parents. Yikes. No backing out now. I told my mom that a package was going to be coming in the mail and that no one was to open it until I said so. I'm sure she thought is was some awesome surprise or achievement or recognition of some kind. Her tone was an excited one. If she only knew...

I had a few days to come up with the plan to tell my family while the book was in the mail. I wanted that book to be available right away after I told them. I think a lot of people fear (okay, EVERY LDS gay person I know) telling their families. Sadly, their fears are not unfounded. There is a reason why 40% of homeless kids in Utah are gay. There are too many stories of rejection, families who turn their backs on their loved ones. Parents who "choose the church over their child," which I don't think is necessary. I don't think that accepting and loving your child means you have to reject the gospel at all. I know very few gay lds people who have told their parents. They are too afraid of rejection.

For me, I had decided that if I was going to choose life, I HAD to tell my family. I couldn't go back there and experience what I did the last time. I couldn't go and feel "at home" when comments were going around unknown to my family that they were talking about me. I was prepared for rejection, even for the possibility of not being involved in my family's life for awhile, but I couldn't go on pretending. So this is how I went about executing my plan:

I set a time when my parents and oldest sister could sit down together. (I didn't want my youngest there because I wanted my parents to be the ones to decide if and what they would tell her. She is still growing up and my parents have the right to teach her what they deem appropriate). Then, I would email everyone a question. The reason for this is that I had decided I better let them decide if they'd rather I disappear from their lives as opposed to hear bad news. This is the question I emailed:

Imagine that someone you loved had something to say that would hurt. It would cause you to question your beliefs, rethink your values, and kind of just pull the carpet out from under you. You would probably spend nights awake and hours wiping away tears. You might become angry with yourself, with God, with society. It might cause disagreement and tension in the family. Basically, it would be a very challenging thing to hear.

My question to you is this. Say that this person that you love had two choices. The first is to tell you. The second is to disappear from your life forever. Which one would you choose? Which one would hurt the most? I want all three of you to text me "tell" or "disappear." Do not discuss it with each other. After I have received your answers, I will begin a video chat with all of you.”

When I read this now, it is so obvious that all members of my family would text "tell," and they did. So then we got on Skype. My family on one end, me on the other. I had my friend with me for support- I was so scared. I told them about how I had been going through a really difficult time. They knew I had started taking anti-depressants and that something was up, but they didn't know the real reasons. I told them that it had gotten so bad, I had fully intended to kill myself when I left home last time. This was quite a shock to them and kind of rendered them speechless. I then gave them instructions. I told them I would send an email out to each of them explaining everything. I said that once they finished the email, I didn't want them to call me. I said they could email me any responses or questions they had, but I didn't want them to call until they had read the book that would be coming to the door later that day.

It might sound harsh, but I didn't want a knee-jerk reaction. I wanted to give them all time to think about things and work things out in their minds before we started discussing it. So that's how it went down. From the moment the first response was received to this very minute, I have been amazed by the outpouring of love from everyone in my family.

PE: My Story Part 7- Life or Death

I had come to the conclusion that I had three options:

1. Reject my orientation and live according to what I was told was right by the church and continue an existence that held no place for love. Continue feeling like I was living a lie, that I was a walking hypocrite. I would simply be waiting to die to enjoy my existence. 
2. Reject the teachings of the church and embrace my homosexuality, living as a gay guy, seeking companionship and enjoying life to some extent, but also always believe I was going to hell.
3. Commit suicide.

I had already been trying to live by that first choice for my whole life. Living that way brought me to a place where I felt emotionally and spiritually dead. I really felt like the walking dead. No hope. No confidence. I could not choose to go on living that way.

The second choice scared me. I didn't want to go to hell. I wasn't a bad person. I really believed that choice #2 would mean an eternity in hell.

So that left third choice. I decided that dying would be better than living a miserable life waiting for death to relieve me. It would be better to make one offensive choice than to go on racking up a list of sins as I lived as a gay man. It was the best way I could think of where I didn't have to make the choice between hell and a miserable life. Just end it. The last choice I'd ever have to make.

Thinking about death was the only source of relief. I would dread the night. I knew what the night would be like. I wouldn't be able to sleep. I'd be in physical agony wanting so badly to die. I didn't know what to do or who to trust. My mind wouldn't stop. I would think about all the different ways I could kill myself. Then I would get online, and research. I would gather information about all the different methods I could think of. Success rate, level of pain, materials and preparation needed, etc. This went on for weeks.

I'd be going to or from school and unintentionally notice a tree or stair case that was high enough. I would make mental notes, "that would work. I could hang myself there in the early morning when people were asleep. People on the street wouldn't be able to see." I'd catch myself thinking those things all the time. And while I realized that was dangerous thinking, I didn't care much. The only thing that kept me from doing it was because I knew how bad it would hurt the people I loved. I couldn't do that to them. I couldn't hurt them so badly. It wasn't long though before I realized that I would hurt them no matter what I did.

I drove home for a short visit in August. I wasn't planning on telling my family, but I didn't rule it out. While I was there, my mom talked to me about things that were going on in my siblings lives. I listened to her as she blamed herself and her relationship with my father for the faults or struggles of my siblings. I knew right then and there that I couldn't tell her. She would take this "sin" upon herself, blame herself for the way I am. She already had so much going on, already on the brink of a mental breakdown.

Then, the news came on and announced that Prop 8 was being turned over to the courts to determine if it was constitutional. You have to understand, my parents were both active on the campaign. They were on the phones and going to people's doors just like the church asked them and organized them to do. So this news definitely brought out reactions. Comments were made by everyone. For example, we had been shopping at the mall together, and I tried on a shirt. My sister said, "eww- that's a fag shirt." I asked her if that was the only problem she had with it. The most stinging remark in response to the news about prop 8, was made by my dad who said, "they used to just kill the gays, that's what they should do." My mom was more subtle in her negative responses, but they were there nevertheless.

In the past, all this negativity was easily dismissed by my extreme denial of my own sexuality. In fact, in some ways I embraced it. I figured if I could hate gay people, I could hate the gay right out of me while fooling everyone else too. But now that I had come to terms with it, and knew that this unwanted orientation wasn't going anywhere, these comments were personal. They were about me. I didn't sleep much that night. Nor did I sleep at all the next night which was the last night before I was driving back to Utah. Instead I was online, finalizing my plans for suicide. It was done. The decision was made. I realized that I couldn't subject myself to that kind of talk from my family any longer. It was too painful. And while they might not say those things if they knew, I couldn't tell them because it would hurt them too much. They would hate me and blame themselves for me being so disgusting. So there it was, I was going to hurt them no matter what course of action I took.

I hated the thought of being around to remind them of how much I hurt them and embarrass them. I hated the thought that I would live knowing my family was ashamed of me. I figured, everyone dies... it was a part of life. It is natural. Not everyone is gay. That wasn't natural. So they would be able to get over my death much quicker than they would be able to get over me being gay.

The next morning, I had breakfast with everyone. I said goodbye for what I knew to be the last time. Despite only sleeping a few hours over the last two days, I left for Utah. I didn't care, I had to get away. I went over my plan. That week I was going to buy the materials I needed, write goodbye letters, and get things in order. I hadn't cried since I was 12. But, let me tell you, I was bawling. For over an hour. It wasn't because I was afraid to die. I was so upset that I was going to be such a source of pain for my family. I was distraught over how much I'd hurt them. But I knew the pain was inescapable.

The drive was emotionally draining. But that week was actually the best week since this whole situation blew up in my face. I was in control. I knew the end was coming and that it was in my hands. That was such a source of comfort. I found peace in the death that I would be inflicting upon myself. I wrote my letters. I went shopping for materials. I even started a playlist of music I was planning on listening to as I died peacefully.

I really didn't feel irrational in my approach. I really did feel that death was a logical and legitimate method to deal with my situation. I was open to any possible thought or idea that I hadn't considered that may provide a good reason for living. But I had honestly thought through everything I could think of.

After finishing a goodbye letter, I got a message from a guy in Salt Lake who I had expressed my situation to. He sent me his perspective on his experience. It was beautifully written. More than that, it had a scent to it that smelled a lot like hope. Hope was something my life was drained of long ago. But it sparked something in me. He demanded I read a book called "No More Goodbyes" by Carol Lynn Person. I knew that if that book was anything like his words, I needed to read it. It was a matter of life and death.

I went straightaway to Barnes and Nobel to buy it. This friend in Salt Lake (who I hadn't actually met in real life) kept checking up on me to see if I was reading. That wasn't a problem because I devoured that book. The words breathed life into me. It spoke of hope. I wasn't alone. There were so many people just like me. There were good LDS people out there who cared about their gay brothers and sisters. I didn't have to die. I could go forward in confidence and determination to live a good life, regardless of others opinions on what a good life was.

It gave me the courage to live in the last days of breath that I had left. It also gave me the courage to tell my family. Before I was even done reading, I purchased another copy to have mailed to my parents house.

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I have to make a note here. If you feel like I describe in this post, please, PLEASE find "No More Goodbyes" by Carol Lynn Person. It saved my life. Also, send me an email. I will talk to you. If possible, I would even be willing to visit you and talk to you face to face. Life is worth living. And you are not limited to the three choices I thought I had. Happiness is waiting out there for you. More happiness then you can imagine right on the other side of thick hedges that surround you. You CAN break through those hedges into the light and there are people that will fight along with you to cut your path through. I will always be willing to help anyone in their fight because I know how painful it is to do it alone.