PE: Back to God

I went to Vegas over the weekend to see my family and go to my cousin's farewell. I was only there for like 30 hours, but it was really good to see my mom and sister who drove up as well as other extended family members.

I was talking with my mom, sister, aunt and uncle about various church related things. I didn't bring it up... they started talking about experiences they've had in church and how it has been hard sometimes because they don't agree on certain things. My aunt is a pretty strong feminist, so she has issues with the fact that men can marry multiple women in the temple and women can only marry one and other similar doctrines. She has also been mistreated to the extreme by church members. Anyway, I asked why she still goes. Not out of accusation, out of honest curiosity. I wanted to find out why she continues to go even though she has some big questions and problems with certain doctrines/policies.

Anyway, that sparked an interesting conversation. My uncle said if he were in my shoes, staying would be insane. My aunt and mom talked about reasons why they go even though they disagree at times. Later, though, I was talking with just my mom and sister and my mom gave me really good advice.

After explaining my situation and how it is difficult to think about God without attaching the church (the organization in which I learned of God) and how the church uproots negativity, pain and mistrust, she said to let the church go for awhile. I am letting my experience with the church destroy my relationship with God. She said I should just focus on my relationship with God right now through prayer and meditation and leave the religion thing out of it until I am spiritually healthy again. I think she is right.

Here is what I feel like I have done: Growing up, I had a void. It was a void I refused to fill and no substitute worked. That hole was my orientation, and it was a large one. I tried to fill it with church, with staying busy, with prayer, with service, fasting, trying to date women... but that hole just got deeper until I could not feel emotion, I could not feel love, I could not believe I was loved, and my spirit broke. No substitute would do. Then, I had an experience that taught me that God did not want me to look for a substitute because there was none. I learned that living authentically and accepting love into my soul by coming to terms with and embracing my orientation was the only way to fill that deep void that threatened my life. Once I accepted the real thing, life became so sweet.

But I had work to do. How will I reconcile my faith and my sexuality? According to churches and religions, I could not keep both. In the beginning, I was hopeful that I could find a way... but after awhile, I had another void in me. God. I was trying to fill it with religion. I was so determined to force religion to embrace my orientation that I got sidetracked. But religion never did agree with my sexuality. It was God that taught me that to embrace it, NOT religion. Now I realize that a church does not own or dictate my relationship with God and that it is God who I need to look to for comfort and guidance, not religion.

So, I have decided to fill this new void with the real thing. God. I am going to focus on my relationship with deity. It is a new thing for me because in the past, I used church to cultivate that relationship. Church is what forced me to think about God, read about him, etc. But right now, my spirit is still wounded by my experience. The church is just salt on the wound at this point. I hope that once that void is full and my relationship with God is strong, the wounds will heal and I can perhaps approach the idea of religion again.

I have been using blame as a way to discharge pain and discomfort, and it hasn't worked. God claims to comfort and heal. I'm going back to God.

THT: Updates

I've been pretty silent over the past week. I apologize. I've become very busy with things... mostly work. Starting a career is no easy thing.

I've had some really important and meaningful conversations over the past few days with people from all walks of life. They all have different ideas about God and religion. All have been devout members of the church at one point or another. If you have seen 8: The Mormon Proposition, I met with the mother (Linda Stay) and father of the boy that gets married in the film. There were six of us there total and we sat talking in a little cafe in St. George for almost 4 hours. Linda and her husband are wonderful, loving people. Something I have come to love is the connection I feel with people now. It doesn't matter what their situation in life is or what their beliefs are, I can connect on a very real and personal level.

Something we all had in common is that we were all hurt pretty significantly by the church. We have all dealt with that in different ways and are all on different paths. But despite all that, it is amazing to feel the love, the sincerity, and the deep belief that radiates from these people. Their love is real. Their pain is real.

I talked to my mom about her thoughts on my facing the church. It is a hard thing for her to consider. If I were to be excommunicated, she isn't sure how she'd handle that. She isn't sure how she could trust the church or its leaders. At the same time she doesn't want me to resign. She also understands that I feel the need to face this. She thinks about me and my situation and what it means every day. She is having to come to grips with her beliefs just like I have been having to. The difference is that I have friends and people to talk to about it. She has no one. She's tried to talk to a friend who has a son that is gay, but has found that that topic is closed for discussion with her. I will probably tell her about Linda today and see if she wants to talk to her.

After this week and the many discussions I've had, I am unsure about how to proceed with the church. I understand completely why people would choose to resign. It is interesting how many experiences I've had this last week since coming to the conclusion that I wanted to face the church that have been very relevant. I think that perhaps this will take more time than I initially thought. As strong as I sometimes feel that I am and as prepared as I think I might be, the truth is, I am not bulletproof. Certain things cut me deep. Things can still be said that tear my world apart and make me doubt myself. I can still be thrown back into that world of darkness and confusion if I am not careful. Whenever that happens (which isn't often by any means), it doesn't last long. But it is enough to remind me of the horrible place (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually) that I found myself in after years of self-hate. I am still on the path to healing. Am I ready for another blow?

VID: How I came out to my family

PE: Blood thicker than water

Last night I went to a family dinner with extended family living in the area. If you recall, I just came out to my extended family with a newsletter I sent. It is always scary to face people after they know. You wonder if they are going to look at you different or treat you different. You wonder if they will simply avoid the "elephant in the room" sorta speak and pretend nothing new is known, or if they will ask questions. You wonder if they feel like they are walking on eggshells, suddenly very aware of what they say as to not offend you. A little awkwardness is unavoidable.

I have an amazing family, through and through. All the responses and replies, phone calls, and facebook messages have been full of love and support and free of judgment. Something that has happened as a result of my coming out to family kind of threw me off guard. It happened when I told my immediate family, and it seems to be happening with my extended family as well. Coming out and sharing this part of me seems to result in more openness and togetherness. It has caused my family to grow closer. I'm not exactly sure why... perhaps it is only my family's relationship with me that grows closer.

After sending out my newsletter I had cousins adding me on facebook, family members just telling me they love me, uncles and aunts telling me how proud they are of me, everyone making sure I knew I could always talk to them if I ever needed an ear... the list goes on. I also am able to hear the testimonies of family members and know their unconditional love for family. It is almost as if letting them into this very personal aspect of my life is rewarded with a deeper personal relationship. I think perhaps it is because it is refreshing when a person shows you they are vulnerable.

We are so used to putting on our game face. So used to acting on our stage. But when someone takes off their mask and reveals that they are not exactly as they seem, all of a sudden others start to want to take their masks off. The act is hard to keep up. How are we to bare one another's burdens and mourn with those that mourn if we never let anyone see that we hurt? When we stop pretending "all is well" and realize that we are all a little broken and hurt, that is when we can rise together in love and support.

I am so grateful to have a family who really does love unconditionally. You really can't say that your love is unconditional until it is tested. Many of my friends have learned that their family's talk of unconditional love was only talk. As soon as family knew they were gay, they were treated different... as if they were dangerous. Dangerous to what? Their reputation? Their dream of what a perfect life looks like? It makes me so sad that the majority of Mormon families that I know of react this way.

I know that some of my family doesn't agree with my choice to live as a gay individual. I know that some of them view this as a trial that should be overcome. But guess what?? They respect me and my life and my choices. They love me because I am family. They welcome me into their homes and support me. They do not judge me or take it upon themselves to tell me I am wrong or weak or evil, even if that's what they believe about homosexuality. Instead they have reached out to me to make sure that, above all else, that I know they love me and want me to continue to be a part of their lives.

PE: Coming out to extended family

So tonight I am sending out a newsletter via email to aunts and uncles on both sides of my family... there are 12 total, but I don't have everyone's email. It doesn't matter how many times I've told someone about my being gay, it is always scary. There is no way of knowing how people will react or how it will affect your relationship with them. It may be the last I hear from some of them. I may never be invited over again. I don't know. It could spark debate within my extended family... arguments even.

Can you understand why so many choose to never tell their family? The church talks about homosexuality as if it is the cause of the destruction of the family, but that frankly isn't the case. The only reason why this issue divides families if because members feel like they have to choose between the church or their loved one. If you took the church's stance out of the equation, there would be a lot less families divided over the issue.

The only reason I have waited until now to tell them is the fear of how they might react. I had to wait until I graduated just in case they decided to take matters into their own hands. I know lots of gay members who, after telling family, were reported to their bishops and kicked out of BYU. Of course their family member thought they were doing what was best for them, but that just drives me crazy. Well, now that I am officially graduated, that isn't a concern. Plus, I plan on talking to a bishop in the next couple months anyway. I am not seeking to live a double life at all. I will be straight-forward and honest with everyone.

ARG: The Family- A Proclaimation to the World (Part 2)

Okay, this is the second installment of my thoughts on "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." I will discuss the first two paragraphs of this document:

We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

Remembering that this whole statement is considered a "guide" and not a "revelation" by modern-day prophets, I will still approach this document as if it held weight as for reasons people believe homosexuality is bad.

In the first paragraph, it says nothing about homosexuality. It does say that marriage between man and woman is ordained of God, but it doesn't say that marriage between man and man or woman and woman is evil. It also says that the family is ordained of God, but does not specify what that family looks like. So I would have to say I agree full heartedly with those two statements.

Having said that, consider this: Say a woman was deceiving her husband during their time dating. Lets say that she led him to believe that she was a committed member of the church and believer in Christ. In fact, however, she never intended to stay in the church or raise a family in it. He, on the other hand, believed that she was on the same page and, like himself, was fully committed to the gospel. They get married in the Temple. A few short weeks later, the wife informs her husband she is leaving the church and doesn't want her family to be raised in it. They divorce. Now this was a man and a woman, married in the temple. Was it ordained of God? This is a true story. It is the story of one of my mission companions.

Another short story: A child grows up in an abusive home. His parents are a danger to his life. In order to survive, he literally has to run away. But his mother and father were his biological parents.  Do you think that kid will smile at the news that he can be with his family forever?? No. Not a chance. That would be his hell.  Was this family ordained of God?

My point here is that just because it states that marriage between man and woman is ordained of God and family is ordained of God doesn't mean that EVERY marriage and EVERY family is ordained by him. With the same reasoning, I would argue that just because it says that these two institutions are ordained of God, it doesn't mean that others are not.

Okay, now the second paragraph. First of all, I think that the wording is interesting. All humans- BOTH MALE AND FEMALE- are created in the image of God. Does anyone else find that interesting? How can both be in the image of God? I mean, we obviously have different parts right? Hmm... just something to think about, but I have no argument with it. Nor do i have a problem with the idea that God loves all of us.

One argument that is used against homosexuals that bothers me A LOT is a phrase within this paragraph. That phrase is "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." Okay. That is fine. Being gay doesn't mean that I want to be a girl. I recognize and accept that I am a man and that it is part of my identity. I am in no way trying to reject that. So I have no argument with this either (when it comes to myself).

But now lets consider some people that don't fit inside this box we've so easily divided in half, females on one side, males on the other. What about those individuals with nondescript genitalia? What about those with both? How do you determine their gender? Does it need to be determined? Can you imagine being one of those individuals and reading this statement? Where do they fit in? What do you tell these people? In this document we are saying that gender is an essential characteristic, yet there are many who cannot be classified into male or female.

So my point is, first this idea of gender being an essential characteristic isn't any reason to justify the idea that homosexuality is inherently wrong. Second, obviously this document isn't all-inclusive and leaves out some individuals who God loves just as much as the next person.

PE: Gay Friendly FHE

For those of you who don't know what FHE is... it stands for "Family Home Evening." In the church, families are encouraged to meet together on Monday nights and have a lesson, activity, or other type of family togetherness. When you are away at college, wards form "families" of students where they can carry on this tradition.

Well, I have an awesome family of friends. We weren't assigned to be together and we live in different cities, but we all enjoy our family nights together where we teach and learn form the scriptures as well as enjoy the company. There are over 10 members. There are a few more guys than girls. At one time we had two "dads." The guys are mostly gay... a couple of them are bi. We've served missions, some of us attended BYU. Some of us have boyfriends. The girls are our friends. They are straight, but are just awesome.

So the reason I am talking about this is because it is so awesome to be involved in spiritual discussions in an environment where we can all be open and honest and comfortable. We can talk about how the gospel really relates to our lives. We choose to do this. But wouldn't it be great if places like this were encouraged and even set up by the church? Instead they would have us break all ties to one another.

I love hearing the testimonies and insights and experiences of my "family members." They are spiritually strengthening and serve as a reminder of why I believe. The gospel is still every bit as applicable to the gay individual, if only the church saw fit to administer it to us.

THT: How Would You Interpret These Facts?

I read a blog post by Lionheart that I thought was extremely effective in demonstrating the situation gay Mormons find themselves in. I want to address the same things that were addressed in that post and perhaps elaborate a bit on them. But please read the post I am referencing.

The Church has been wrong on the causes of homosexuality. Leaders have taught that bad thoughts, masturbation, and selfishness lead to homosexuality and that homosexuality leads to unimaginable crimes such as bestiality. Leaders, both past and present have suggested that it is a choice and not inborn. However, the Church has recently reversed many of these claims due to the solid evidence against such teachings and now suggests that causes are unknown. Leaders have also begun to acknowledge that homosexuality may not be reversible or curable.

The Church has been wrong about solutions to homosexuality. Praying, fasting, being more righteous, trying harder to suppress feelings have all been suggested as cures for homosexuality by the church. Shock therapy, ex-gay programs, and other forms of intense therapy were not only suggested but required in many cases by leaders. Up until recently, heterosexual marriage in the temple was suggested as the cure for homosexuality, and worse, to keep that information about their "struggles" hidden from their wives. President Kimball even said that cures were often just a few months away. Due to the complete failure of these supposed "cures," the Church has reversed its opinion and no longer offers any solution to homosexuality.

General Authorities were wrong about blacks and the Priesthood. Leaders of the church holding positions as high as president of the church made racist, bigoted remarks about black persons. They proclaimed the color of their skin to be a curse and taught that blacks would not receive the Priesthood in this life.

The Church has tolerated unequal treatment of women. Before 1978, women were not permitted to say a prayer in Sacrament Meeting. Women did not speak in General Conference from 1930-1984. There are still many issues regarding women in the church that have yet to be resolved. Women are still largely defined by their husbands despite their own personal education, callings, or careers.

Church leaders have spoken out against interracial marriage and evolution. Both these ideas have been condemned using quite strong language by prophets, yet we are free to believe in evolution and marry a member of another race.

The Church offers no real solutions for homosexuality. The Church currently gives two suggestions for help: counseling and spiritual encouragement. Counseling can help in two general ways: 1) It can help homosexuals understand themselves better including their feelings, and 2) It can reduce destructive behavior, such as risky sex and drugs. After accomplishing these two goals where applicable, counseling reaches its limitations.

Spiritual counseling is good for any type of struggle. However, spiritual counseling alone is inadequate for nearly all gays. Imagine a cocaine addict simply being told to “pray and have faith and everything will be fine.” Or imagine a bishop suggesting only faith and prayer to a person who is bipolar. Certainly, spiritual counsel is not sufficient for these trials. Why is it okay to suggest that spiritual counseling is sufficient for gays?

The “fruits” of the Church policies towards gays are very negative. Most gays go inactive. Suicide rates are higher for gays than straights. Divorce rates are high. Families are torn apart as they choose between gay love ones and the church. The Church's involvement in Prop 8 has brought a storm of bad press and negative publicity for which the church is trying hard to re-cooperate from by inviting hi-profile gays to the Mo-tab Christmas concert for example.

If the Church’s support towards gays was sufficient, then activity among gays and straights would be equal. We would expect to see a fair number of older adults who are active and still gay. Given that at least 3% of the population is gay, where are the elderly gay members who have lived a life of celibacy and remained active? The Church’s fruits relating to this issue are embarrassing.

To summarize, the Church has been wrong about the causes of homosexuality, the Church has been wrong about solutions, Church leaders have been wrong about other issues such as blacks and the Priesthood and women, the Church offers no unique solutions now, and the fruits of the Church’s policies leave much to be desired. How do you interpret these facts?

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Many non-members or people who have left the church may look at this list and say, "this is easy... just leave the church!" Gay people generally feel no pity for Gay Mormons because in their mind, we are insane masochists. But keep in mind some other facts that many Gay Mormons have to consider:

Testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Many still have strong faith in Christ and in his teachings and still seek to do his will and share his message with others. They seek to use their talents and means for good, righteous causes.

Testimony of the Restoration. Many cannot deny their feelings about Joseph Smith and the restoration of the primitive church. A large percentage of them have served missions for the church teaching people about this restoration and baptizing them. They believe strongly that God speaks today and can guide and teach us.

Testimony of the Priesthood. Many have seen the priesthood work in their own lives, in their own homes, even by their own hands. The believe in it's power and ability to heal, comfort, and perform any work commanded by God. They believe in the restoration and application of this power.

The culture in which they were raised. These people grew up in Mormon communities, in wards and stakes. Mormonism has informed much of their life, their values, their goals, their dreams. They cannot simply strip off everything that was affected by their upbringing because it has become so infused with who they are.

The history within their families. Many come from long lines of Mormons. Their grandparents, their aunts, their uncles, cousins, brothers and sisters all look to them to be an example. These loved ones who give Gay Mormons a sense of belonging and family all have expectations and hopes and dreams for them. Gay Mormons don't want to be the one disappointment, the one failure, the one that is cast out.


This isn't an easy fix. It is very confusing and frustrating and can even be earth shattering. Are you surprised that people in this situation have suicidal thoughts? What would your conclusion be?

RANT: Gay Marriage

I honestly don't understand why churches fight so hard against gay marriage. Especially my church- the LDS church. Why is it that they are fighting against the most chaste, worthy, admirable thing that this group of people want? I mean, these are two people that want to make a commitment to one another, to be true to each other, to support one another through good and bad times. It is the most worthy goal that these people wish to attain and yet it is struck down by people in the name of God.

These same churches insist that homosexuals are a bunch of sex maniacs who go around sleeping with anyone that happens to pass by. But if it was all about the sex, why would any gay person in their right mind want to marry? Sex comes easy if that's all you want and marriage is hard. But these churches (who say that they support the family unit and chastity), rather than help those gay individuals who do want committed relationships to be granted the ability to marry, fight against it, forcing this group of people to dwell in the gutters that they despise.

Sure, maybe homosexuals don't live the life that you think is ideal. Maybe living a gay life with a partner is just not what God would want according to your beliefs, but does that mean you have the right to take away the ability for these people to live the "right" life as best they can? Think about it. Lets take a conservative number and say that 5% of the population is gay. That means there are almost 700,000 gay members of the church. Why do we not support those members by encouraging them to stay chaste until marriage. To apply the law of chastity in their dating habits just as we do the habits of heterosexual members? Instead, we call this core characteristic wrong and evil and fight against the opportunity for them to enter into a committed relationship with the person they love. We give them no hope of an appropriate relationship that they can wait for to begin sexual expressions of love. We simply say that to live like a gay person is wrong and if that is what you are going to do, you might as well sleep around and be promiscuous because it isn't any more wrong than being gay in the first place.

And then these "Christians" point to how dirty the "homosexual lifestyle" is and use it to maintain their condemnation of them. It is a catch-22. Christians refuse to allow gay people legitimate relationships, but then attack the community for not having legitimate relationships. It makes me sick. I just don't understand the thinking behind it. I don't understand where Christ's teachings are being applied here. We are all sinners. And guess what.... even the LEAST sin will keep you from the kingdom of heaven, so why do Christians insist on rating sins? Maybe it makes some people feel better about their own sins if they can point and say that this or that sin is the worst one.

Maybe my family can't look exactly like yours... but why wouldn't you want me to have as close an equivalent as I can? Why would you wish anyone to be alone their whole life, unable to enter marriage and begin a family within a committed, loving relationship? Why is it so bad that I want a family within which my partner and I can grow and learn, raise and teach children, and build a Christ-centered home? How is making that unobtainable helping anyone?

ARG: The Family- A Proclaimation to the World (Part 1)

And so begins my commentary on The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Why do I want to discuss this? Because it is often used to denounce homosexuality. If people are going to use it against me, I want to know the validity of their argument. Before I begin, I want to say I love my family. I think families are so important. They really are the most important unit on the face of the earth in my opinion. I am very close to my family and even much of my extended family and never plan on distancing myself from them. There are a lot of truths in this document.

The first thing I want to talk about is the nature of this proclamation. Many members consider it scripture or revelation. This, however, is not the case. The most recent evidence of this can be found in the changes made to Elder Packer's recent controversial talk in General Conference. I am not going to go into that talk, enough has already been said about it, but there is one sentence that is very important in putting forth this point. Speaking of the proclamation mentioned above, Packer's original talk read:

"It qualifies according to the definition as a revelation and would do well that members of the church to read and follow it."

After the changes, that same sentence now reads:

"It is a guide that members of the Church would do well to read and to follow."

Not such a minor change is it? Downgraded from revelation to guide. Well, you don't need that talk to prove that it isn't scripture, it is built into the doctrine of the church. As outlined in the Doctrine and Covenants, a decision does not become established doctrine or scripture in the LDS Church until submitted to the "common consent" of church members. This hasn't happened.

So while the proclamation can be a helpful guide and good advice, it is not a blanket statement that can be draped around everyone. While no one should be judging another person anyway, they definitely shouldn't be judging someone using a statement as scripture when even the leaders who wrote it clearly teach that it is not scripture.

So. Before we go on this journey into the document, let's be clear that this is not a revelation, nor is it scripture. So we shouldn't be giving it that kind of weight.

PE: The Holidays

It's been longer than I typically like to go without writing, but I'm still here. This last week was pretty stressful. It was the last week of school. And if studying for finals isn't hard enough, a certain someone came to visit that same week. My boyfriend and I have been in a long-distance relationship. He goes to school out-of-state. He was finished with school and was excited to see our friends and have some holiday fun. When work, finals, Christmas parties, and boyfriends are all mixed up and shoved into one week, stress isn't far behind. I never understood why people thought the holidays were stressful until this year.

I am officially done with school however, which is a huge relief. Now I just need to wait for my graduation to post. Once that happens... all this anonymity will no longer be an issue. I plan on "coming out" to the blog world on 1-11-11. Until then, I will need to maintain my somewhat shallow attempts at keeping my identity secret.

I think the Holidays are difficult in general for many gay individuals. Those that are in the closet have to pretend that they are the spitting image of the son or daughter their parents had in mind. Those that are out to their families but have been rejected have no family to spend the holidays with. Those whose families know, but don't want to hear about it make it impossible for their gay son or daughter to feel like their loved ones want anything to do with their lives. Many parents feel like simply pretending it doesn't exist will make it go away. In reality though, it just makes their gay son or daughter feel less and less "at home."

I am so lucky to have a family that accepts me and who makes certain that I am a part of their lives. I am so blessed to have a family who doesn't discount things in my life that I feel are important, but who give weight to the things I care about. I really hope that more families will welcome their children home with open arms in the coming years.

PE: My Story Part 9- My Family's Reaction

The initial email responses I received from my immediate family were filled with love. My mother and sister assured me that this new information doesn't change a thing. I was still the same son/sibling they loved and they were not angry or disgusted or any negative adjective I might have guessed. If they were angry or disappointed at all, it was only in themselves. Looking back they could see how things that were said might have hurt me and that thought killed them. They were so apologetic. My mom just wanted to protect me from all the negativity and hate that the world dishes out to gay people, just like you would expect a mom to want to do for her children.

I think, in some ways, my mom felt like she failed. Not in the sense that her failure caused my homosexuality, like many parents do. But that somehow, it was her fault that a part of me believed that she would reject me. The part of me that felt the necessity to keep this from her. I think she felt that she failed at showing me how much she loved me and how unconditional that was. She didn't fail. It was my own failure in understanding and accepting that love. When you hate yourself, it is hard to imagine another person loving you.

The thought that I was so close to ending my life was horrifying to everyone. I think part of the pain for them was knowing that I was feeling so horrible that I would plan to take such an action. I don't know if the reaction would have been different if my news wasn't based on the fact that I had been so close to suicide. I would like to think that they would have still been just as accepting. I think it is so sad that parents or families refuse to listen until their son or daughter succeeds in, or attempts ending their life. If you haven't already, watch the Lifetime movie Prayers for Bobby. It's $3.99 I think on iTunes. It is based on a true story of a gay kid growing up in a very conservative Christian home. His mother never had any measure of sympathy or understanding until he took his life.

My Dad also responded with love and made sure that I understood that I was expected to continue to be involved in his and the rest of my family's lives. He said some things that I disagree with, but assured me that he wouldn't judge me from that day forward. My dad tries to identify a reason for everything. In his mind, there had to be a reason I "turned" gay. He thought about the idea that maybe he wasn't involved in my life as much as he could have been. About the idea that perhaps this had something to do with his failure as a father. I assured him that this had nothing to do with his parenting. It is hard to believe that for so many years, even professionals blamed the parents for the homosexuality of a child. I think a lot of the effects of that thinking are still very prevalent today. Anyway, my Dad has his own theories why I might be gay, none of which I agree with. In his mind, this was something that was done to me in some way that altered my "natural" state. But it doesn't change his love for me and I have never felt judgment from him. That is all I could hope for.

My family started reading No More Goodbyes the same night I told them. My mom finished it in a week and sent me a text message one evening after she finished it. This is what it said:

"I finished the book. It was good. It addressed the fear, anger, each of our internal wars, and was hopeful. I loved it and will probably start reading it again. It has a profound message for everyone and insight into our eternal purpose in our life here on earth… this will be a growing time for us and I am not adverse to that. It will make us stronger, but oh how I wish I could protect you from the storm of hurt and betrayal you must feel from religion and people around you. I mean this. If you meet some person gay or not that does not have a family to support them, bring them here. I would like to be their family. No one should have to endure rejection on that level. I'm serious."

After receiving that text message, I was ready to go home. I drove to my apartment, packed my bags, threw them in the car, and drove through the night to go home. I took a nap in my car at some rest stop along the way (and I lived to tell the tale). I didn't want to think about facing them. I was still so worried about what that would be like. So I just drove. When I got there, I sat in my car for a few minutes before slowly making my way to the door. I still felt ashamed to face them in person.

Once I got in the door, however, that was quickly washed away. My dad was the first person I saw and he greeted me with a hug. No awkwardness at all. We had a normal day just hanging out. That night, we had the first discussion about all this in person. For the most part (besides some friendly disagreement with some opinions my father expressed) it was the same amazing love and support I felt from my family's letters.

My Mom had already spoken to my youngest sister who was so sweet. She responded to my mom saying,

"I think Heavenly Father Prepared me for this."

In her mind, it was no big deal. She is a huge fan of Adam Lambert (gay American Idol contestant) and always stuck up for him despite the remarks against his gayness. She saw through that to his talent and didn't let prejudice blind her to the whole person.

Since coming out to my family, we actually did grow together in a lot of ways. We became more open with one another. We started talking about the important problems we face instead of always keeping conversations light and surface-level. We started discussing religion, God, why we believed, what we believed... it was actually a true blue blessing to the family. Weird. It caused them to reevaluate why they believed and maybe even articulate what they believed, but it really made us stronger I think.

Me being gay isn't even an "issue" anymore. I am treated just like my straight siblings. My boyfriend is welcome just like my sister's boyfriend is welcome. They really make it so easy and enjoyable to be fully involved in the family. It is so wonderful! And I think it is the most ideal situation. It is not common by any stretch of the imagination. The church teaches that you shouldn't allow your gay children bring home their significant other... or if you do, to put severe limitations on them and treat them completely different from your straight children. But I have found that it is so much more healthy to be able to stay involved in my family's life. I love that I can come home for Christmas and Thanksgiving and have my significant other come home too. I love that he is treated just like a member of the family and that we can feel completely comfortable. It builds a much healthier relationship than one where families on both sides don't want to have anything to do with the couple. Family is important. And I love mine dearly.

PE: My Story Part 8- Telling My Family

Okay... where were we. Ah yes, I bought a book about gay LDS people, their friends, families, church leaders, etc. called No More Goodbyes that was on its way to my parents. Yikes. No backing out now. I told my mom that a package was going to be coming in the mail and that no one was to open it until I said so. I'm sure she thought is was some awesome surprise or achievement or recognition of some kind. Her tone was an excited one. If she only knew...

I had a few days to come up with the plan to tell my family while the book was in the mail. I wanted that book to be available right away after I told them. I think a lot of people fear (okay, EVERY LDS gay person I know) telling their families. Sadly, their fears are not unfounded. There is a reason why 40% of homeless kids in Utah are gay. There are too many stories of rejection, families who turn their backs on their loved ones. Parents who "choose the church over their child," which I don't think is necessary. I don't think that accepting and loving your child means you have to reject the gospel at all. I know very few gay lds people who have told their parents. They are too afraid of rejection.

For me, I had decided that if I was going to choose life, I HAD to tell my family. I couldn't go back there and experience what I did the last time. I couldn't go and feel "at home" when comments were going around unknown to my family that they were talking about me. I was prepared for rejection, even for the possibility of not being involved in my family's life for awhile, but I couldn't go on pretending. So this is how I went about executing my plan:

I set a time when my parents and oldest sister could sit down together. (I didn't want my youngest there because I wanted my parents to be the ones to decide if and what they would tell her. She is still growing up and my parents have the right to teach her what they deem appropriate). Then, I would email everyone a question. The reason for this is that I had decided I better let them decide if they'd rather I disappear from their lives as opposed to hear bad news. This is the question I emailed:

Imagine that someone you loved had something to say that would hurt. It would cause you to question your beliefs, rethink your values, and kind of just pull the carpet out from under you. You would probably spend nights awake and hours wiping away tears. You might become angry with yourself, with God, with society. It might cause disagreement and tension in the family. Basically, it would be a very challenging thing to hear.

My question to you is this. Say that this person that you love had two choices. The first is to tell you. The second is to disappear from your life forever. Which one would you choose? Which one would hurt the most? I want all three of you to text me "tell" or "disappear." Do not discuss it with each other. After I have received your answers, I will begin a video chat with all of you.”

When I read this now, it is so obvious that all members of my family would text "tell," and they did. So then we got on Skype. My family on one end, me on the other. I had my friend with me for support- I was so scared. I told them about how I had been going through a really difficult time. They knew I had started taking anti-depressants and that something was up, but they didn't know the real reasons. I told them that it had gotten so bad, I had fully intended to kill myself when I left home last time. This was quite a shock to them and kind of rendered them speechless. I then gave them instructions. I told them I would send an email out to each of them explaining everything. I said that once they finished the email, I didn't want them to call me. I said they could email me any responses or questions they had, but I didn't want them to call until they had read the book that would be coming to the door later that day.

It might sound harsh, but I didn't want a knee-jerk reaction. I wanted to give them all time to think about things and work things out in their minds before we started discussing it. So that's how it went down. From the moment the first response was received to this very minute, I have been amazed by the outpouring of love from everyone in my family.

ARG: Family- I Can Have One Too

I want to write something concerning a lie that I believed for a long time before and during the process of coming to terms with my sexuality when I was determining what that was going to mean for me and my life. It is the notion that being gay means you will never have a family of your own. I hear this being the reason why so many gay LDS young men want to marry a woman despite the fact that they are gay. When a friend of mine told her mom that I was gay, she said, "the saddest thing is he will never get to have a family." I believed this once. I couldn't imagine being completely fulfilled living as a gay guy because having kids is something I really want. So I figured I should meet some woman who is just unbelievably awesome and would marry me even though I couldn't love her like she deserved to be loved by a man. And then I thought- how selfish of me. For me to have a happy, fulfilled life, kids are in the picture, but the woman isn't. It would basically be like using her for her ability to bare children. If the girl happened to be sterile, I'm not sure I would ever consider marrying her because the marriage part isn't the thing I see as giving me real happiness and fulfillment. That is selfish. I can't believe I thought like that.

Ok, so lets start with the definition of family (in the dictionary). I'm not going to bore you with what we already know about families. But here are some things to keep in mind:

In most societies it is the principal institution for the socialization of children. One of the primary functions of the family is to produce and reproduce persons, biologically and socially. Think about families of today. Is it really based on physical reproduction? Would you not call a husband and wife who both got remarried to each other after their spouses died, and brought in children from their previous relationships a family? What if they never actually reproduced together? Would they still be a family? Yes. How many moms would the kids have? Two. Dads? Two.

What about parents who are sterile? What if they adopt. They definitely didn't physically reproduce. But they are involved in social reproduction. Are they not a family? What about kids who for one reason or another live with relatives. Their grandparents raise them. Are they not a family? Family takes so many different forms. Why is it that we exclude the type of family I can have?

In all honesty, I don't think God is impressed with the ability of a man and woman to physically reproduce. Any guy and girl could hook up in a drunken daze and do it. The physical part doesn't prove anything about your character or learning and progress about life. I think God is impressed with the way some people choose to go about raising those kids, teaching them, being examples to them, socializing them. This concept of social reproduction is interesting: Social reproduction is a sociological term referring to processes which sustain or perpetuate characteristics of a given social structure or tradition over a period of time.

This brings me to the charge to "multiply and replenish the earth." Could it be that we have misinterpreted what this means? I wonder if God is up there shaking his head- "these kids... all they think about is sex." What if what is meant by multiplying and replenishing the earth is that we are to teach our children and help them to become productive, contributing members of society and of Christ's church? Are we not replenishing the earth with individuals who can act on their own and not be commanded in all things to go forth and be a source of goodness and light to the world? Furthermore, what would you say of the abusive drug attics who had sex during one of their crazy highs and had a kid who they ignored and abused as he/she grew instead of teach and guide? These two people certainly physically reproduced and replenished the earth... so does that mean they fulfilled God's commandment? I don't think so. What have they replenished the earth with? What have they reproduced? Another troubled kid who feels unloved and uncared for? Someone who doesn't have the tools to go forth and make positive contributions?

Obviously physical reproduction is necessary and important. But it isn't everything. There are plenty of cases where that is not possible due to infertility, disabilities, health, etc, etc. So can we say that those couples are not fulfilling the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth? I may not be able to physically reproduce with a male partner, but we can adopt or opt for a surrogate mother. We can also be just as effective as (and most likely more effective than) many heterosexual parents in socially reproducing our children.  Which brings me to an argument against the church's charge against gay marriage, etc.

The church would have me live a celibate life without a partner. It would have me refrain from even dating. They would have me live alone. For the rest of my life. Now, if this life is all about learning and progression, to what extent would I be able to learn and progress living a life like that? On the other hand, say I got married to a man. We adopted children. We raised them and taught them the best we could. We experienced trials together as a family, etc, etc. Now wouldn't that experience be far more beneficial to learning and progression? To learn compromise and loyalty withing a valid, loving relationship? To experience the challenge and joys of raising children? I believe I would be much more likely to learn more of what it must be like to be God in that kind of life than it would a celibate, lonely one.

Many would argue with me citing "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." I ask you to withhold those arguments. I want to address that document in the same kind of fashion I have been addressing the interview with Elder Oaks and Elder Wickman.

Could it be that one of the reasons God saw it fit to allow the existence of gay individuals was to give loving homes to the thousands of kids without homes? To give those kids a chance at life? I don't know. Maybe.

PE: My Sister is so Funny

Ok, this post is going to be light and fluffy. So my sister is somewhat of a tomboy. No, she's not a lesbian. Geez people, stop type-casting. Both my sisters are straight despite the fact that they are both more manly than me sometimes. The sister I speak of is 20 and likes to skate and wear boys shirts (sorry boys, she's taken) and says things like "that's gay." So you can imagine the fun we've had with that since I came out to my family.

I guess you get a glimpse into the future installments of "My Story" with this post. I suppose it is kind of like reading the last few pages of the book when you are halfway through. Oh well.

Anyway, one night my mom and I were teasing my sister and she said, "you guys are a bunch of fags!" To which I exclaimed, "Rude!" This was probably the day after I came out to them and she was SO apologetic, but we were all laughing our asses off. (Sorry if my few instances of "foul" language offend you... sometimes it is just the best way to put things). She said, "crap, there is no way I can change my vocabulary at this point... it just comes out! I'm sorry!"

Then, a couple weeks ago, she was signing a birthday card for my boyfriend (oops, there goes another bit of info that we haven't yet gotten to) and she is a bit of an artist, so she took it upon herself to draw "Happy Birthday" in the card. Once she completed the beautiful and unique phrase (cough, cough), she said, "gah! This looks gay." A second later she exclaimed, "PERFECT!" after which she closed the card and handed it to me with a big smile on her face.

Gotta love her =)