THT: I Had The Atonement Wrong

For most of my life, I misunderstood the Atonement. I'm sure i still have a lot to learn, but now that I have felt the effects of it, I at least know I am on the right track. A friend of mine put this into words that spoke what I felt and so I reference his note on facebook.

I fully expected that the Atonement would change my sexuality. I mean, Christ can reverse death right? Surely he could reverse orientation. The miracle I prayed so often for was that I would be made straight. I believed that if I was just good enough, worked hard enough, God would see my righteous efforts and change me. Well folks, he didn't. And now I realize that it isn't a matter of can He do it... it is a question of will he do it.


The idea that the atonement will change your sexual orientation is a dangerous one. Why? Because thousands of members are counting on that to happen. When it doesn't, they become disillusioned with God and religion. They become angry with God. I did. For awhile I was so angry. Was I not good enough? Did I not do everything I was asked? Did I not serve? Why won't you answer my prayers God? Is my request not a righteous one? I had to conclude that a loving God could not exist if He would not answer the prayer of a dying soul. I could not imagine a loving person knowing how much pain I was in and remaining silent. And so, I was done with God. Perhaps I just wasn't cut out to be a son of God. There must have been some flaw that could not be overlooked. That thinking was destructive, and it led to the decision I made to take my life. I was unloveable and unable to love. I hated myself. Why go on living life that way?

But I did survive. And though I would have never believed I could ever count that experience as a blessing, today I do. Why? Because it was only through that torment that I could know happiness today. When I found happiness, I began to understand that the atonement was primarily to heal our spirits. Christ's greatest miracles weren't about the physical healing (though that is often what we think of), it was the spiritual healing. My miracle wasn't that my sexual orientation was changed. It was that I finally realized that it didn't need to be changed. That God loved me for who I am and that I could love myself. It was the first time I could really accept God's love into my life. I punished myself for so long by denying the idea that God could love me. I knew he loved everyone else... he just couldn't love me.

I credit the atonement for the change that occurred in me. I obtained a new view of God and self. I could finally see myself with God. And THAT is how I know that my decision to live as a gay person was the right one. Because all those years of trying to change, trying to suppress it, trying to pluck it out of me drove a wedge further and further between myself and God. He became so distant that I could no longer see how He could possibly exist. But the minute that I accepted my sexuality and decided that I would move forward doing the best I could as a gay man, living honestly with myself and others, God was in my life. He was all around me, and I was suddenly enabled to be a tool in His hands.

I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I don't fit in with the heterosexual majority. I am gay. But the atonement is there because Christ knows that we cannot return to God alone. Because we will always fall short. We are asked to do the best we can with what we are given. If we do that, we can have faith that the atonement will make up for anything we couldn't do ourselves.

I have been given the curse, and the blessing, of homosexuality. I don't know the purposes behind it. I don't know why God saw it fit that some people were gay. But I will no longer deny the gift I have been given. It may not be the ideal gift, but it is a gift. If it wasn't meant for me, GOd would have taken it away. But he didn't. So instead, I will move forward being the best gay Mormon I can be. I will strive to become more like Christ in this life and have faith that in the end, his grace will be sufficient for me to return to my God.

THT: Adam and Eve?

Okay, so I am adding another type of post to my blog- "thoughts." Not everything I have to say is a rant or argument or experience. This one is more of a thought, and an incomplete one at that. Perhaps you can help me refine it:

So we are all pretty familiar at some level with the story of Adam and Eve. I remember never really fully understanding (nor do I claim to now) why it was that God gave them conflicting commandments. He commanded them to multiply and replenish the earth, and he commanded them not to partake of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. The catch was, in order to multiply and replenish the earth, they had to partake of the fruit. They basically had to break one commandment to keep another. And until they broke the one commandment, they were stuck. They could not progress. They could not know good from bad or move God's plan forward.

In some ways I feel like I can relate to these conflicting commandments. In this life I am commanded to learn and grow and progress and make decisions and act rather than be acted upon. I am supposed to learn to love. The two great commandments are to love my neighbor as myself and to love God. We often talk about the loving your neighbor and loving God part, but hardly do we mention the "as thyself" part. Before we can love others, we must first learn to love ourselves. Well, I am also commanded by church leaders to live a celibate life- never fully accepting my sexuality or acting on my emotional, social, and sexual desires for a monogamous, intimate relationship with another man.

If I were to choose that path- choose to live a life without companionship- I would be much like Adam and Eve before they took of the fruit. Stuck. Sure, I would be innocent and right in the eyes of the church- but I wouldn't be able to grow and learn in ways that you can only do when you give someone your heart, your soul, someone you vow to share your life with, raise children with, etc.

Once I got to a certain point in life... probably age 21 (post-mission), I reached a plateau in many ways. For three years I found myself trying to move in some direction- any direction would be better than standing still. But I couldn't. It wasn't until I accepted my sexuality, and then soon after decided that I could love that part of me, that I began to move again. It was only after accepting that I was gay and realizing that that was okay, that I could love myself, which opened up the doors to loving others and to understanding Gods love for me and my love for him. It opened up possibilities in my future for endless growth and learning as I sought to find someone I loved to spend my life with and raise a family with. Possibilities that wouldn't exist had I decided to live a celibate life.

So perhaps you will judge me. Maybe you condemn me for breaking a commandment. But if breaking this one commandment means that I can keep many more while learning to love and be loved and enjoy life rather than waiting for death to rid me of this wretched curse (which I don't believe will happen, nor do I still consider my sexuality a curse), then so be it. And if this is what you mean by me "choosing" my sexuality, then yes- I guess by that definition, I have chosen it. I have allowed the atonement to work in my life in a way that has healed me of the self-hatred, the embarrassment, the shame, and the constant feelings that I had been cursed by man, by nature and by God. I have chosen to let Christ help me grow through accepting my sexuality and realize that it is a blessing, not a curse. I have allowed Christ to expand my ability to love and be loved by accepting me for who I am, for the person that I was created to be. I have chosen life. And you know what? I am not ashamed of having made that decision. I know that I am a better person because of it. So condemn me until they day I die. Try and block my path and place impossible obstacles in my way. Increase the odds against me. Because none of that matters when I know that my God approves of the way I have chosen to live due to my increased capacity to love, to serve, and to understand. And that knowledge is all I need to fuel my drive to knock down those barriers, overcome those obstacles, and beat the odds.